Thoughtful Reflections and Autumn Leaves: An Upstate New York Story


The leaves, I noticed when I drove out of the driveway a wispy wind and a few leaves blew past my windshield. I don’t think they want to die or hibernate; I don’t want to hibernate; that’s what you do if you are in upstate New York. Even this summer, the porches are empty, and the owners only come out to garden or empty trash. I’m the only one who sits on the wrap-around porch, head perched up to the sky to see what drama she’ll bring.

Where did we go this summer? Where did you go or do? One friend went to Croatia, another to Finland, and another to Sonoma. I prefer to travel in September, with my crowd cowardice and fear of flying; I’m waiting. Of course, I cannot leave because I am showing the house to prospective buyers. They are all very similar, rave and applause for the house, and their offer is two lines above insulting. Or maybe I am still in my delusional dream that Follies House is worth what I priced her. It is a voyage into the Twilight Zone; I see one house, and they see another.

Back to the leaves, the fall’s language, movements, and tasks will turn inside out. Soon, the blowers and street cleaners move all those beautifully colored leaves. I leave mine out until my gardener orders me, sweetly, LouLou, it’s time for fall clean up, or you won’t have grass next summer.” I won’t be here next summer, but I don’t say that because we’ve become pals, and he likes to manicure my lawns; I always greet him and George, his helper, and listen to their grievances.

Beyond the seasonal altercation, like a dress that needs hemming, emotions stop boiling over and seem to simmer. I am still determining where that originates, but I experience it every year as September approaches. Autumn is about awe. I read that somewhere. We slip into the interior chambers of thoughtful reflection, crunching the leaves of our souls for answers to questions.

I called my pal Jerry because it had been a few weeks since I had spoken to him. We have been friends for many years, but we have absolutely nothing in common. He’s famous for his photographs and films, that’s all I can say. I didn’t ask for his approval as I write this.

” Hello,” He sounded drowsy.

” Jerry! Did I wake you?”

” Yes.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll call tomorrow.”

What for I’m awake now. I take naps because I can’t sleep through the night; I close my eyes, think for maybe an hour, fall asleep, and wake again five times in the night. What’s happening with you?”

” You are cerebral, so turning off your head would take a bulldozer or something.

“That’s a little drastic.”What’s happening with the house?”

” Showings, repairs, and a few offers that were insulting. I have a question.”

“Oh no.”

“What do you do when you don’t know what to do>”

“I call my attorney.”

” For life questions?”

” I don’t have any more questions at ninety-six.”

” That sounds peaceful.”

, We sidetracked an upcoming appointment with his doctor about sleep medication.” It’s tomorrow, I don’t feel like going,

” So don’t go. I had an appointment this week for a mammogram. That morning, I woke up trembling, panicked, wobbly, and so I called and canceled. When I told the representative I was having a severe panic attack, she laughed and said, I hear that all the time.

“What’s the mammogram, is that for breast cancer?

” Yes.”

” What do they do?

Oh, it’s weird. The nurse takes hold of your breasts, places them between two clamps, and then tells you not to breathe or move while they take an X-ray.

“What if your breasts are too small?”

“Ah hah, mine used to be, so they’d tug at them, and it was more painful than the clamps. When I turned seventy-one this year, suddenly they inflated, and I can fill my B cup to the rim.” He was laughing, imagining he had some visual, and that was good. We have better dreams when we sleep with pillow joy.

“I’m going to go to sleep now>”

” I hope you do. I’ll think of more breast stories tomorrow.

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FRIENDS of FOLLIES


Saturday, a heavy clog of humidity tries to zap my energy. I slept six hours, so I fight, do laundry, do a bit of weight lifting, go up and down the twenty stairs twelve times, and wander in my mind. I answer the first phone call of the day.

” Hi, how are you? ?” I pause to answer with some amusing honesty.

” I’m cleaning my brain?

” How do you do that? You’re funny.”

” “I sweep away all the repetitive scary thoughts.”

What about you? My friend sighed and then zigzagged into her struggles, taking care of her ninety-six-year-old mother, who does not speak English; my friend is Armenian. She works full-time as a court translator, has two children, a husband, and about fifty friends she continually connects to.

You are four people in one. I don’t know how you do it?” Is your Mom still living with you?”

Yes, she can’t walk. She sleeps in the living room because the bedrooms are upstairs. It’s difficult. I have to feed her as she’s now refusing to eat.”

” Please try and get a nurse’s aide to come in and help you.”

“She won’t let anyone touch her but me.”

“I find that selfish, not to be critical, but you will wear yourself down.”

” She’s always been like that; in my culture, you never abandon a parent, no matter what. Her mind is sharp, so that is good.

” Heaven isn’t good enough for you,” she chuckled. I often improvise to be amusing because her laughter is boisterous, and we all need more injections of humor.

” Have you decided where to move when it sells?” She asked again.

” Yes, I was looking at my book on Italy, all the different regions, and I think Anacapri is a good choice.”

” Oh, Greta… that is so expensive; what are you thinking?”

“I’m not thinking I’m daydreaming.”

” I have an idea for you. There is a new trend, something like Boomermates, a group of people who share a house, and you don’t have to sign a lease. Go look in San Diego and find something.

“Roommates, strangers, you mean?”

“Yes, why not?”

” Would you do that?”

” Probably not. A studio anywhere in San Diego is two thousand at least, and don’t use the proceeds from the house.

“Now you’re daydreaming. I’ll have to use some without the rental income until I find employment. Are you home now?”

“No, I’m driving to San Diego for a court appointment

“It’s what, six in the morning?

“Yes, I wake up at five.”

” Every time I come here, I think of you. You were a great leasing agent. You leased about fifty of my units. You can get a job leasing in a nice project. Oh, you should have bought that unit. I remember G4 when we converted to condominiums.

“Yes, you’ve told me that a hundred times.”

” I made the same mistake. What can you do?”

” Complain and then accept what you can’t accept. Like selling my home.” I went through my steamer trunk and found my marketing portfolio when I opened Follies as an artist retreat. It was nonstop theatrics. One time, I hosted a theater group of six young actors; they were so much fun. Ah, memories.

” You will make it; look what you accomplished, winning a foreclosure, Greta; that is something big.”

” So is my glass of wine.”

“I’d be doing the same in your situation.”

” Another showing, a really nice family. They’ll make an offer. They commented that the exterior paint is their issue, so did I tell you already? I found a marvelous painter from Albania, and he’s given me a very reasonable price to paint the entrance, balisters, and overhang. You know that curb appeal is critical.”

” You shouldn’t spend your money, Greta, how much?”

” Three thousand, and it’s a lot of scraping and ladder work. It’s the right decision if I may disagree with my real estate guru.”

” That is reasonable. Keep me posted. I’m in San Diego now, so I will speak to you soon.”

” Heaven isn’t good enough for you.” And I’m leaving Follies in the best I can because she was so good to me.


ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  WW11 SURVIVOR’S VOW TO GOD ย 

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Part Two.   Solana Beach Morrocan Bungalow 2003. Maurice was 84

            Maurice married the love of his life on December 25, 1941. They married in December because Maurice had saved one thousand dollars and made one hundred dollars a month. Agnes, his girlfriend in Grant, Iowa, is the woman who led Maurice out to Rancho Santa Fe, California, from his home in Grant. She and her father worked for Ronald McDonald, a prestigious resident in the ranch. She was responsible for housekeeping and cooking, and her father was the chauffeur.  

            Agnes and Maurice went to the US Grant Hotel for dinner and stayed at the Paris Inn on Kettner Avenue in San Diego.  The following day Agnes went off to work. Maurice stayed in the little guest house she occupied on the McDonald property. Two days later Maurice received his draft notice.  On December 31, he left his new bride and reported for duty in Escondido.   He had one short visit before he left for overseas.  Then, the next time he would see her, he would be changed. 

            Buna

            One summer evening, I was sitting on Mauriceโ€™s front porch.  Sometimes, we would sit out till after eight oโ€™clock at night talking about different parts of Mauriceโ€™s life. Maurice is really busy in the summer; he tends to his garden of fruits and vegetables, he delivers furniture for all the Cedros merchants, and he helps his friends.  He never seems tired, he likes to sit on the porch, have a beer, and tell stories. I used to like it when my father told me stories, but they were unlike Maurice’s. There didn’t seem to be anything he

couldnโ€™t talk about. Once he said,  ” You can ask me anything you want.โ€

            โ€œMaurice, how old were you when you were drafted?โ€

            โ€œWell, I was thirty-one years old in 1941 when the war broke out. I had to leave my wife, which bothered me, but I wanted to go overseas and fight for my country. There were so many nice soldiers, the best people in the world.  I recall two boys from Chicago that were only eighteen years old, they lied to get in the service, and they were the best soldiers you ever saw- they werenโ€™t afraid of anything.โ€

            โ€œWhere did they send you after you left San Diego?โ€

            โ€œWell, first, I went to Camp Roberts for thirteen weeks of training, but I got out in nine weeks. Then they sent me to Fort Ord to get my gear, rifles, and clothes.  We left San Francisco on April 21, 1942.  We got into Adelaide, Australia, after twenty-one days at sea.”  Maurice paused like he had to catch his breath. I watched his face, thinking he may want to stop.

            โ€œYou remember so much… Do you mind talking about it?โ€ I asked.

            โ€œNo, I don’t mind; it changed my life, everything about it.โ€

             โ€œWhere did they send you after that?โ€

            โ€œWe trained for a while in Adelaide; the people in Australia were so happy to see us.  I remember they met us at the beach with tea and cookies. The enemy soldiers were getting close.  We went up the coast to New Guinea and into Port Moresby; we got there on Thanksgiving Day 1942. As soon as we got off the ship, the bombs hit us; it was the hundredth raid that night. The next morning we were supposed to get to the Stanley

Mountain range, we were in such a hurry. The Japanese soldiers built cement pillboxes and the army wanted us there. So we got in this plane, and they flew us there. Twenty-one at a time.      When I got to the island of Buna, there were dead soldiers scattered all over the beach.  We lost men so fast.  Then, on Christmas Day of 1942, General McArthur ordered us to advance, regardless of the cost of lives.  My division was one of the first to stop the Japanese army, the 32nd Division. After we were immobilized and a lot of our men killed, they sent in the 41st Division to take over.โ€

             Maurice’s memory was like listening to a documentary, and this was the first time a Veteran confided in me.  They didn’t get supplies at first; they had to wait till everything was shipped to Europe. They got what was left over, which wasn’t much. He ate cocoanut bark for two weeks and had no water.

            โ€œI can remember so well the first Japanese soldier  I saw. He was sneaking through the jungle, only thirty feet off.  I donโ€™t know if I shot him, but he dropped.  I donโ€™t like to think I killed anyone, and it bothers me to this day that I had to kill. The Japanese were good soldiers; they had better ammunition than us.  We fought all day, and we always ran out of ammunition before they did. Iโ€™ll never forget Christmas Day of 1942.  We went into a trench to get ahead; the fellow ahead of me was cut wide open, and the guy behind was shot.  I just lay there on the ground. If you moved you’d be shot. It was so bad; I lay there all day and night. โ€

            โ€œDid you think you were going to die?โ€

            โ€œI didnโ€™t let myself think that.  I promised God that if I ever got out alive I’d never complain about anything in my life again. Nothingโ€ฆ nothing could be worse than that day.” 

            โ€œYou kept the promise, didnโ€™t you?โ€ I asked.

            โ€œYes, I have.โ€

            โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why the war changed your life?โ€ I said.

            โ€œThatโ€™s right. Every day is a beautiful day after you’ve lived through war, at least for me,” he said.        

Excerpt from manuscript.  All rights reserved. No part of this work covered by the copyright herein may be reproduced without the author’s prior written permission.

STEPS AWAY FROM ADVENTURES IN LIVINGNESS


ADVENTURES IN LIVINGNESS    

Achievement knocked down the barrier of fear. It feels like lifting off from ground level; I am floating like I used to be in the swimming pool, and I am only at my desk reading the news from my attorney. From one beginning to an ending, five years later, after tedious research, unscrambling legal language, and searching for the meaning behind the case references, this journey is over. I won the lawsuit against the bank that attempted to foreclose on my home and Dodger, my ex-partner of thirty-five years, who, for still unknown reasons, pursued the foreclosure.

Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels.com

 Agape, eyes widened, nerves settled like snowflakes; the joy of achievement cannot be understated. During this phantasmagoria, life beyond research, consulting with foreclosure agencies, banking laws, and regulations, I detached from my passion for adventure, creativity, parades, parties, and socializing; I sat alone, and resilience shadowed, then enflamed like a log of fire, encapsulated into a daily doctrine. Music by Ennio Morricone, blue note Jazz, the everchanging scenery of seasons, phone conversations with friends who released ambers of comfort, confidence, and advice, and TCM films nuzzled my fatigue.

 Some days, I remained in bed, staring at my Icart Ladies of Leisure prints, or sat by my favorite window seat and studied clouds, birds, and leaves. The blossom of tenacity grew into a tree trunk and taught me the art of persistence and emotional strength, which were missing links in my character.

Achievement in fine-tuning relationships, setting down the needle gently instead of plummeting riffs and arguments. In the present, as you all know, if you read the news, our culture has replaced argument and debate with assault and violence.  I digress; renewed confidence in my aptitude to fight battles, disputes, and disappointments without Dodger is as solid as concrete.

The next episodic internal journey is regaining my passion for opening the door to interaction with strangers and discovering newness in that engine of life. I hope this admission reaches others who are experiencing depriving themselves of love within and without.

STRANGERS THEN LOVE


From Anais Nin Diaries 1939-1944. 

“I respond to intensity, but I also like reflection to follow action, for then understanding is born, and understanding prepares me for the next act.” 

JANUARY

SNOW, ARTIC BLAST, ICE, FREEZING. Maelstrom of inconveniences toppling down in every nook and cranny of body, home, and outdoors. I wore a long-sleeved liner, wool sweater dress, rabbit poncho, and over that, a wool wrap, laptop mittens, sherpa leggings, wool socks, and boots. Mornings, eight degrees, afternoons eighteen, and the absence of sunlight grids my spirit. Repetitive lessons in endurance, tolerance, and acceptance. The outer world stenches corruption, propaganda, cruelty, violence, and haranguing reporters. The election year dominates the bunkum reporting.  

It’s been almost a month since I texted or called Dodger. Somedays, I enter the memories, a reel of episodes on our cross-country road trips, hiking barren, narrow, unclaimed paths in Baja, mountains and canyons in New Mexico, and lakes and forests in upstate New York. They appear to be aberrations of myself; I am unrecognizable as he is, too.ย 

FEBRUARY

MATURITY has caught up with me, and I am viscerally aware of this pendulum as replacing the nonacceptance of my lifestyle and future to hardened acceptance, which is a relief. I used to be full of follies, gaiety, and impulse; inner choreography is now critical thinking, studied decisions, and a spoonful of distrust. Instead of unleashing all that I think and feel with strangers, the narrative is split between inching closer to listening rather than personal tete e tet. Once a week, I go outing to the social club, where I find conversant strangers, couples, singles, divorces, and a variety of ages, and yet they all have a commonality that I don’t, they seem genuinely satisfied with their lives, one comment this, after asking the bartender how are you, he smiled, slapped the polished wooden bar with both hands and replied, I couldn’t be happier. Then he opened his phone and showed me a photo of a baby boy. His expression soared through my senses, and I adulated with compliments. Another evening, I opened a conversation with a couple next to me, and for the next hour, I learned of their life; children, travel, cruises, especially, ” Oh, you’ve never been on one? You must go, you’re so perfect for a cruise.

” I’m uncomfortable with more than twenty people.”

I don’t believe that for a minute.” Wendy was really fit to her name; she wiggled in her seat, her hands never at rest, and her thoughts poured like raindrops. Her husband, Christian, nodded a lot, and when he tried to speak, she ran right over him. A few times, he rolled his eyes at me. They’d been married thirty-five years, looked to be in their early fifties, and semi-retired.  I left feeling love, had tipped our kinship, a surprising need to leap from trivialities to more substance.

MENTAL WOWS AND BOWS


May 10th 2017FROM MY JOURNAL

        Greta got into bed early and started watching Feud, a new series about Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, played by Jessica Lang and Susan Sarandon. The film etches overcoming a middle-aged woman’s obstacles in life:  men, finances, rejection, and loneliness.

       A knocking at the door, ‘Oh no, I don’t want to see anyone.’

  โ€œPolice, open up.โ€  You couldn’t cut her tension with a semi-truck head-on. She opened the door to five male Policeman and a Medic. 

       โ€œ Greta we are here because someone is very concerned about your welfare. I understand you made a reference to taking your own life.โ€

       โ€œ Who called you? It was Aaron right?โ€

   โ€œYes. He said you made a remark that disturbed him and he wanted us to check on you. Did you say you wanted to take your own life?โ€

  “Not in the way he interpreted. I’m not going to commit suicide I just need a break  from tortuous gaslighting.”

” Who is gaslighting you?”

” My ex-partner of thirty-five years and his demonic girlfriend. 

“How can you resolve this?” 

โ€œI donโ€™t know, Iโ€™m trapped.โ€ Then I noticed they were not convinced.

โ€œI think you should come with us for an evaluation.โ€

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s not necessary, Really, look at me. Iโ€™m enjoying a movie. ” Greta got back on the bed in a gesture of defiance. 

โ€œWe think it is.โ€  We have an ambulance out front.

โ€œWhat? Oh God. No, Iโ€™m not going.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t have a choice. It wonโ€™t take long, if the Physiatrist thinks you are not in danger theyโ€™ll release you.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not going in the ambulance.โ€

โ€œOkay, you can ride with me in the patrol car.โ€

“Well, let me put on some lipstick. A girl can’t go to the Psychiatric Ward without lipstick.”’  They smiled, and in her pajamas and robe, she slid down into the back seat of the Patrol car avoiding neighbors’ observance.  

The ward was a take-off of One Flew Over the Cuckooโ€™s Nest.  One woman was shaking and mumbling herself out of a drug withdrawal,  the nurses were telling jokes, one man was in a hospital gown striding up and down the corridor, talking to himself and Greta seated on a chair watched.  In the distance, she recognized Lally, a potential renter of her home.

 ” Lally, can you come over a minute?” 

โ€œ How are you? Whatโ€™s going on?โ€

โ€œ Oh God, I said the wrong thing to a friend, and he called 911.”

โ€œ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Are you here for evaluation?โ€

โ€œYeah, can you do it?โ€

โ€œ No, I’m assisting in another department. Don’t worry… I’ll talk to the Physiatrist so you get through quickly. Itโ€™ll be fine. Just wait here.โ€

I thanked him and ten minutes later I was led into a private room with bars on the bed. A nurse took my vitals, then a Doctor asked a few questions like,’ What day is it?’ and then she left without adding anything very comforting. Another knock on the open door and a petite female tiptoed in.  She infused sincerity and concern into that bleak sanitary room, and I opened up the story from start to finish. She used expression, voice, and patience to keep me talking. She didn’t inflame the rage against Dodger, she suggested I find counseling and asserted that I was indeed in a very traumatic situation.  ‘ I will call the the department supervisor and suggest you  be released.’ 

 The six hours Greta was in the hospital centered on the absence of a phone call or email from Dodger. Aaron must have told him to get the address.  Itโ€™s about two am and Greta is thinking about her birthday; another sort of mรฉnage of meaning, she feels like ten years have passed rather than one. Another doctor came in and released Greta, with a promise to call for counseling. She slipped into a cab in her pajamas and went home. Never had been so terrified of losing control. 

The next afternoon brightened when Audrey showed up with roses, champagne, a gift basket, and a happy birthday balloon.  She sang the entire birthday song and danced around Greta as she opened the gifts. 

 โ€œIt is a big deal!  I always was taught to celebrate friends’ birthdays with everything,โ€ her smile remained and Greta’s surfaced. She told her the story of the previous night and Audrey just sat there, eyes widened like two camera lenses, and told her. “I know you would never commit suicide.‘โ€‚She cradled Greta as they walked downtown for dinner. One of her gifts was five hundred dollars. Greta was so stunned she tried to return it, but Audrey blatantly resisted.  At our dining table, she waved at guests and waiters with her long arms, โ€œItโ€™s her birthday.โ€ She reminded Greta of her childhood when her father hired magicians and clowns to entertain at her parties. Greta felt sensationally spoiled, and thatโ€™s not always an indulgence, sometimes it is the only path to joy. The end of the evening placed her in front of Facebook where friends posted birthday wishes.  It was a blessed day and a reminder that she is loved.  Aaron was trying to help, and Greta felt his concern with appreciation. There is no replacement to cure your mental doubts than a visit to the Physiatriscat Ward.

Six years later, upright, achieved, and grateful for that day.

LONERS, SOLO, RECLUSIVE, still human.


Thanksgiving seeps into a day of light and dark, like a trajectory of blissful silence transitioning to watching the Macyโ€™s Parade, then dancing around my bedroom to old-school hip-hop. ย Internally feeling more adept than last year, the solitude and absence of friends didnโ€™t snake rattle me, ย it was more like a day of moving effortlessly between desires without contemplation or sorrow. As the year ends, the comparison of achievements and digressions seemed to evoke a visceral epiphany. Iโ€™ve always preferred less chaos and crowds to intimate gatherings, and being alone. Looking in the internal mirror, the reflection released a liberation of abasement, it is who I am, and if refusal of this characteristic triumphs, I will never feel self-affirmation.

Without that, life is an interior war.

I snapped this off a film, I cannot recall which one.

WHY JEWS?


My first experience with Anti-Semitism was at twenty years old. I was working for a Bank in Beverly Hills in the loan department. One day my supervisor gathered us around and told a joke. I cannot remember it exactly, I do remember that he compared Pizza in the oven to Jews in the Holocaust gas chambers. I told my father. He ordered me to call the President of Gibraltar S & L and repeat the comment. The president was Jewish. I did so. I was assigned a new supervisor.

ROSH HASHANAH 2023.


VULNERABLE…. weakness and emotionally exposed, failure. Otherwise the moment of courage to rise and understand our fragility without self-degrading,. Excerpt from Rabbi at Temple Ebet Emeth.

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THE ART OF LOVE


Nicholas Ray
Nicholas Ray (Photo credit: www_ukberri_net)

Portrait of Martha Graham and Bertram Ross (19...
Portrait of Martha Graham and Bertram Ross (1961 June 27) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

THIS WEEK LANDS ON poets, writers, musicians, photographers, directors, visual artists, composers, choreographers, actors and the untitled and unrecognized that squeeze in between. Kipling, Salinger ( my all-time favorite) The Rolling Stones,ย  Mozart, Chopin, Opera, Salsa, Beatles, Stieglitz,ย  Nicholas Ray,ย  Kandinsky, Johnny Mercer, Martha Graham Balanchine, and James Dean. I left out about seventy-five of my favorites.

Composition VI (1913) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)They were all lovers before they were artists.

OUR ARTISTS IN HEART travel mentally and physically through life with all the windows open; awaiting a sight, sound, or feeling that draws them to their art. The feelings are what count on our life ledger.ย  I have to thank Billy, my first love at fifteen. He was an artist of music, Gothic charcoal sketches, comic humor, and life. He opened my window to the arts.

That life ledger is always in the red because an appetite of feelings, and emotions eventually depreciates the spirit. Some of us rise above, and the flow of printed green paper comforts that spirit, but emotions continue to dominate all the success.

I have to write this in short sequence, as I am moving between a rigid reckoning of a forever ending TO ONE MY LOVES.

To be continued later.

WHO IS DADDY? From an unpublished manuscript in 2009


โ€œWhatโ€™s it like knowing your father is a gangster? Did you know when you were a teenager? Did you meet Bugsy Siegel? Did your father kill anyone? You know the Mafia kill people.โ€ย 

               Childhood  1955-1961 

      I called him Daddy. His friends called him Al, or Smiley, the Department of Justice tagged him โ€œarmed and dangerousโ€ and his mother named him Aaron. He was born January 10, 1907, in Kiev Russia, one of three sons born to Ann and Hymen Smehoff

ย ย ย ย  ย He had salty sea blue eyes blurred by all the storms heโ€™d seen.ย  When I say something funny, his eyes crystallize and flatten like glass. Smoothing out the bad memories.ย  Heโ€™s always a different color. Dressed in coordinates matched perfectly as nature.ย  My small child’s eyes rest cheerfully on his silk ties, a collage of jewel tones. The silver and blue tie matches the shirt underneath.ย  The feel of his fabric is soft like blankets.ย  He is very interesting to look at when I am a child and open to all this detail.ย 

     I cling to his neck in the back seat of his long Cadillac. My mother doesnโ€™t ride with us during the day.  She comes along if we are dressed up and going out to dinner.  I enjoy the car rides most.  He sings songs and his hand flutters about, catching me by surprise behind the ears, and  I shriek.  Daddyโ€™s laughter echoes inside my ears.

ย ย ย ย  We visit friends in Hollywood who own delicatessens, restaurants, and clothing stores. We go to Paramount Studios and I ride around on a pony or get kissed by cowboys in a Western scene.ย  We go to Beverly Park almost every day to ride the ponies.ย  I am only two years old when Daddy slings me over this big stinky pony, and insists that I go around the ring one more time so he can watch.ย  I meet Hoppalong Cassidy and we visit his booth at Pacific Ocean Park.ย  When my father was a film producer he worked with Hoppalong on a western film.

     Our home in Bel Air was where I lived before I knew how fortunate we were.  My room was at the end of a long hallway, and I was afraid to leave the room when it was dark because it seemed such a long distance to my parents. The wallpaper danced around my eyes, a collage of flowers illuminated the black background, and I was wrapped in a blue satin comforter.  My room was cluttered with dolls.  As a young child, I preferred staying in my room and imagining characters for my dolls. 

ย ย ย ย  ย My father showed us, and really paraded us around as if we were exceptionally talented.ย ย  I never understood why these people fussed over me. I sort of distrusted them, before I understood what that meant. There were exceptions, the ones I knew to be real family people earned my affection.ย  I dreaded the routine of being placed in front of a group of men and women who stared at me as I curtsied or mumbled โ€œHello.โ€ย ย  George Raft came to all my birthday parties, Nick the Greek showed me card tricks and Swifty Morgan told stories all night.ย  Damon Runyon characterized him in his stories as the โ€œLemon Drop Kid.โ€ย  I was surrounded by men with FBI files and notorious reputations for being dangerous gangsters. Some of them had been arrested for murder. Others were old-time bootleggers from Cleveland and Detroit.ย  I knew them as Uncle Lou,ย  Doc, or Uncle Johnny.ย  Years later I would discover they were Lou Rhody of the Cleveland Jewish Syndicate in Cleveland, Doc Stacher, the tough New Jersey underboss to Longy Zwillman, (the guy who discovered Jean Harlow in a speakeasy in New Jersey), and Johnny Rosselli, the king of Las Vegas in its heyday.ย  I was enchanted by these men, they were family friends, and they never followed the rules.

      This home was my fatherโ€™s showplace.  He bought the house in 1955, and that was a bad year for him. I was two years old.. That was the year that a number of his friends and associates died or were murdered.  Like Little Willie Moretti from New Jersey, who was killed by rival gangs, and Tony Canero, who died at the blackjack table of the Stardust Hotel. 

     Willie had a problem keeping his mouth shut.  Frank Costello, the leader of the syndicate group most closely associated with my father, sent Willie out to California where heโ€™d be safe from harm. Willie was unstable, taking bets on losing horses and talking to people he shouldnโ€™t. Frank asked my father to keep an eye on Willie, to become a confidant.  He was told to dress up as a Doctor and pay visits to Willie.  My father obliged and Willie took a liking to my father.  Willie suggested to Frank that the boys should build this doctor a hospital.  Frank told the story to some of the other fellows and they must have had a good laugh.  Frank had another idea,  giving Allen the job of promoting Willieโ€™s good friend, Frank Sinatra.  My father declined the offer.  Eventually, Willie returned to New York and was found dead stuffed in the trunk of his car. The second tragedy was the suicide of Louis  Rothkopf, โ€œLou Rhodyโ€ they called him, or โ€œUncle Louie.โ€  He was one of four bosses of the Jewish Cleveland syndicate, (the Mayfield Road Gang), and one of my fatherโ€™s closest friends. I heard that Louie would cross to the other side of the street if he saw a guy that owed him money. He had a big heart. With his wife Blanche, the Rothkopfโ€™s were respectable business owners in the Chagrin Falls area of Cleveland.  When Senator Estes Kefauver launched a federal investigation on organized crime, he exposed and ruthlessly slandered Lou and his partners.  Not just as bootleggers, and distillery owners, but murderous syndicate men with ties to the Italian Mafia. By this time, Lou and his partners were operating legitimate business enterprises all over Cleveland. Blanche commit suicide two years before Lou also took his own life.  I have been told that my father brought Lou in to save the Desert Inn Hotel in Las Vegas, when the first owner,Wilbur Clark, went busted.    

                     * * * * *

      The house in Bel Air brings back the best memories of my childhood, but few visions remain. The front yard was a blanket of pink and white geraniums.  They were tended to by our gardener, and though I wished to sit in their path, and smell their fragrance, I was told not to play in the geraniums. The flowers were my first contact with nature. It wasnโ€™t enough to just look at them, I wanted to lay with them and watch their breathing.

      Our house was perched at the top center of Thurston Circle, a sort of distant cousin to the discreet upper Bel Air locked behind black iron gates. There was no gate at our entrance, and the neighborhood homes were a mixture of two-story colonial and ranch style. The view of Los Angeles from the living room and my parentโ€™s room was an electric and absorbing scene for a small child who hadnโ€™t known anything beyond her house. At night lights glittered against a black sky, and I could sit by the window and dream of what the lights were all about.  Entangled bougainvillea grew wildly behind our house. We picked figs and avocados from trees in the yard. There I learned my first lesson about family values. One day my father showed me a nest of small birds perched on a branch of a spruce tree.  He pointed out the mother bird hovering over her babies in the nest, and then he drew my attention to the father bird perched on our television antenna. โ€œYou see, thatโ€™s what the father bird must do, is guard his little family, just like I do.โ€  I asked a few questions, and he just kept telling me that it was so remarkable how animals take care of their families and I should watch them and learn something.

   My parents gave me extravagant toys. I was about four when my father installed a roller coaster in our backyard. He sat me in the cart and I rode up and down the bumpy track, screeching with laughter.  My mother was always there, watching from a distance. Daddy was the one that loads me up with surprises and Mommy was the one to feed me, clean me up, and tuck me in at night. I could tell her everything, she listened to me and watched over me. She doesnโ€™t interfere with me when I am playing with my dolls.

TO BE CONTINUED

Drizzle Thoughts


The embryo of thought. Sometimes it is negligible, as is life.  I am the puzzle maker and every time I try to carve the right size square, I fall off the board and have more material to write about. The puzzle is so vast that it covers our lifetime and the pieces are the choices, and non-choices that fit into themes.  My life, is like a melody, a Gershwin tune. As a dancer and prancer at heart, my feet are my hands, and my hands are my heart. Drizzling rain is relative to thoughts on a Saturday; a few thoughts for my book, assembling the bedroom fan, calling friends, a walk with my umbrella to live in rain, answering emails, and those hypnotic Film Noir Classics on Utube. When world news disables self-absorbency, it’s a relief, I hold hands with whatever keeps me alive.