STRANGERS THEN LOVE


From Anais Nin Diaries 1939-1944. 

“I respond to intensity, but I also like reflection to follow action, for then understanding is born, and understanding prepares me for the next act.” 

JANUARY

SNOW, ARTIC BLAST, ICE, FREEZING. Maelstrom of inconveniences toppling down in every nook and cranny of body, home, and outdoors. I wore a long-sleeved liner, wool sweater dress, rabbit poncho, and over that, a wool wrap, laptop mittens, sherpa leggings, wool socks, and boots. Mornings, eight degrees, afternoons eighteen, and the absence of sunlight grids my spirit. Repetitive lessons in endurance, tolerance, and acceptance. The outer world stenches corruption, propaganda, cruelty, violence, and haranguing reporters. The election year dominates the bunkum reporting.  

It’s been almost a month since I texted or called Dodger. Somedays, I enter the memories, a reel of episodes on our cross-country road trips, hiking barren, narrow, unclaimed paths in Baja, mountains and canyons in New Mexico, and lakes and forests in upstate New York. They appear to be aberrations of myself; I am unrecognizable as he is, too.ย 

FEBRUARY

MATURITY has caught up with me, and I am viscerally aware of this pendulum as replacing the nonacceptance of my lifestyle and future to hardened acceptance, which is a relief. I used to be full of follies, gaiety, and impulse; inner choreography is now critical thinking, studied decisions, and a spoonful of distrust. Instead of unleashing all that I think and feel with strangers, the narrative is split between inching closer to listening rather than personal tete e tet. Once a week, I go outing to the social club, where I find conversant strangers, couples, singles, divorces, and a variety of ages, and yet they all have a commonality that I don’t, they seem genuinely satisfied with their lives, one comment this, after asking the bartender how are you, he smiled, slapped the polished wooden bar with both hands and replied, I couldn’t be happier. Then he opened his phone and showed me a photo of a baby boy. His expression soared through my senses, and I adulated with compliments. Another evening, I opened a conversation with a couple next to me, and for the next hour, I learned of their life; children, travel, cruises, especially, ” Oh, you’ve never been on one? You must go, you’re so perfect for a cruise.

” I’m uncomfortable with more than twenty people.”

I don’t believe that for a minute.” Wendy was really fit to her name; she wiggled in her seat, her hands never at rest, and her thoughts poured like raindrops. Her husband, Christian, nodded a lot, and when he tried to speak, she ran right over him. A few times, he rolled his eyes at me. They’d been married thirty-five years, looked to be in their early fifties, and semi-retired.  I left feeling love, had tipped our kinship, a surprising need to leap from trivialities to more substance.

MENTAL WOWS AND BOWS


May 10th 2017FROM MY JOURNAL

        Greta got into bed early and started watching Feud, a new series about Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, played by Jessica Lang and Susan Sarandon. The film etches overcoming a middle-aged woman’s obstacles in life:  men, finances, rejection, and loneliness.

       A knocking at the door, ‘Oh no, I don’t want to see anyone.’

  โ€œPolice, open up.โ€  You couldn’t cut her tension with a semi-truck head-on. She opened the door to five male Policeman and a Medic. 

       โ€œ Greta we are here because someone is very concerned about your welfare. I understand you made a reference to taking your own life.โ€

       โ€œ Who called you? It was Aaron right?โ€

   โ€œYes. He said you made a remark that disturbed him and he wanted us to check on you. Did you say you wanted to take your own life?โ€

  “Not in the way he interpreted. I’m not going to commit suicide I just need a break  from tortuous gaslighting.”

” Who is gaslighting you?”

” My ex-partner of thirty-five years and his demonic girlfriend. 

“How can you resolve this?” 

โ€œI donโ€™t know, Iโ€™m trapped.โ€ Then I noticed they were not convinced.

โ€œI think you should come with us for an evaluation.โ€

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s not necessary, Really, look at me. Iโ€™m enjoying a movie. ” Greta got back on the bed in a gesture of defiance. 

โ€œWe think it is.โ€  We have an ambulance out front.

โ€œWhat? Oh God. No, Iโ€™m not going.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t have a choice. It wonโ€™t take long, if the Physiatrist thinks you are not in danger theyโ€™ll release you.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not going in the ambulance.โ€

โ€œOkay, you can ride with me in the patrol car.โ€

“Well, let me put on some lipstick. A girl can’t go to the Psychiatric Ward without lipstick.”’  They smiled, and in her pajamas and robe, she slid down into the back seat of the Patrol car avoiding neighbors’ observance.  

The ward was a take-off of One Flew Over the Cuckooโ€™s Nest.  One woman was shaking and mumbling herself out of a drug withdrawal,  the nurses were telling jokes, one man was in a hospital gown striding up and down the corridor, talking to himself and Greta seated on a chair watched.  In the distance, she recognized Lally, a potential renter of her home.

 ” Lally, can you come over a minute?” 

โ€œ How are you? Whatโ€™s going on?โ€

โ€œ Oh God, I said the wrong thing to a friend, and he called 911.”

โ€œ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Are you here for evaluation?โ€

โ€œYeah, can you do it?โ€

โ€œ No, I’m assisting in another department. Don’t worry… I’ll talk to the Physiatrist so you get through quickly. Itโ€™ll be fine. Just wait here.โ€

I thanked him and ten minutes later I was led into a private room with bars on the bed. A nurse took my vitals, then a Doctor asked a few questions like,’ What day is it?’ and then she left without adding anything very comforting. Another knock on the open door and a petite female tiptoed in.  She infused sincerity and concern into that bleak sanitary room, and I opened up the story from start to finish. She used expression, voice, and patience to keep me talking. She didn’t inflame the rage against Dodger, she suggested I find counseling and asserted that I was indeed in a very traumatic situation.  ‘ I will call the the department supervisor and suggest you  be released.’ 

 The six hours Greta was in the hospital centered on the absence of a phone call or email from Dodger. Aaron must have told him to get the address.  Itโ€™s about two am and Greta is thinking about her birthday; another sort of mรฉnage of meaning, she feels like ten years have passed rather than one. Another doctor came in and released Greta, with a promise to call for counseling. She slipped into a cab in her pajamas and went home. Never had been so terrified of losing control. 

The next afternoon brightened when Audrey showed up with roses, champagne, a gift basket, and a happy birthday balloon.  She sang the entire birthday song and danced around Greta as she opened the gifts. 

 โ€œIt is a big deal!  I always was taught to celebrate friends’ birthdays with everything,โ€ her smile remained and Greta’s surfaced. She told her the story of the previous night and Audrey just sat there, eyes widened like two camera lenses, and told her. “I know you would never commit suicide.‘โ€‚She cradled Greta as they walked downtown for dinner. One of her gifts was five hundred dollars. Greta was so stunned she tried to return it, but Audrey blatantly resisted.  At our dining table, she waved at guests and waiters with her long arms, โ€œItโ€™s her birthday.โ€ She reminded Greta of her childhood when her father hired magicians and clowns to entertain at her parties. Greta felt sensationally spoiled, and thatโ€™s not always an indulgence, sometimes it is the only path to joy. The end of the evening placed her in front of Facebook where friends posted birthday wishes.  It was a blessed day and a reminder that she is loved.  Aaron was trying to help, and Greta felt his concern with appreciation. There is no replacement to cure your mental doubts than a visit to the Physiatriscat Ward.

Six years later, upright, achieved, and grateful for that day.

LONERS, SOLO, RECLUSIVE, still human.


Thanksgiving seeps into a day of light and dark, like a trajectory of blissful silence transitioning to watching the Macyโ€™s Parade, then dancing around my bedroom to old-school hip-hop. ย Internally feeling more adept than last year, the solitude and absence of friends didnโ€™t snake rattle me, ย it was more like a day of moving effortlessly between desires without contemplation or sorrow. As the year ends, the comparison of achievements and digressions seemed to evoke a visceral epiphany. Iโ€™ve always preferred less chaos and crowds to intimate gatherings, and being alone. Looking in the internal mirror, the reflection released a liberation of abasement, it is who I am, and if refusal of this characteristic triumphs, I will never feel self-affirmation.

Without that, life is an interior war.

I snapped this off a film, I cannot recall which one.

WHY JEWS?


My first experience with Anti-Semitism was at twenty years old. I was working for a Bank in Beverly Hills in the loan department. One day my supervisor gathered us around and told a joke. I cannot remember it exactly, I do remember that he compared Pizza in the oven to Jews in the Holocaust gas chambers. I told my father. He ordered me to call the President of Gibraltar S & L and repeat the comment. The president was Jewish. I did so. I was assigned a new supervisor.

ROSH HASHANAH 2023.


VULNERABLE…. weakness and emotionally exposed, failure. Otherwise the moment of courage to rise and understand our fragility without self-degrading,. Excerpt from Rabbi at Temple Ebet Emeth.

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THE ART OF LOVE


Nicholas Ray
Nicholas Ray (Photo credit: www_ukberri_net)

Portrait of Martha Graham and Bertram Ross (19...
Portrait of Martha Graham and Bertram Ross (1961 June 27) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

THIS WEEK LANDS ON poets, writers, musicians, photographers, directors, visual artists, composers, choreographers, actors and the untitled and unrecognized that squeeze in between. Kipling, Salinger ( my all-time favorite) The Rolling Stones,ย  Mozart, Chopin, Opera, Salsa, Beatles, Stieglitz,ย  Nicholas Ray,ย  Kandinsky, Johnny Mercer, Martha Graham Balanchine, and James Dean. I left out about seventy-five of my favorites.

Composition VI (1913) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)They were all lovers before they were artists.

OUR ARTISTS IN HEART travel mentally and physically through life with all the windows open; awaiting a sight, sound, or feeling that draws them to their art. The feelings are what count on our life ledger.ย  I have to thank Billy, my first love at fifteen. He was an artist of music, Gothic charcoal sketches, comic humor, and life. He opened my window to the arts.

That life ledger is always in the red because an appetite of feelings, and emotions eventually depreciates the spirit. Some of us rise above, and the flow of printed green paper comforts that spirit, but emotions continue to dominate all the success.

I have to write this in short sequence, as I am moving between a rigid reckoning of a forever ending TO ONE MY LOVES.

To be continued later.

WHO IS DADDY? From an unpublished manuscript in 2009


โ€œWhatโ€™s it like knowing your father is a gangster? Did you know when you were a teenager? Did you meet Bugsy Siegel? Did your father kill anyone? You know the Mafia kill people.โ€ย 

               Childhood  1955-1961 

      I called him Daddy. His friends called him Al, or Smiley, the Department of Justice tagged him โ€œarmed and dangerousโ€ and his mother named him Aaron. He was born January 10, 1907, in Kiev Russia, one of three sons born to Ann and Hymen Smehoff

ย ย ย ย  ย He had salty sea blue eyes blurred by all the storms heโ€™d seen.ย  When I say something funny, his eyes crystallize and flatten like glass. Smoothing out the bad memories.ย  Heโ€™s always a different color. Dressed in coordinates matched perfectly as nature.ย  My small child’s eyes rest cheerfully on his silk ties, a collage of jewel tones. The silver and blue tie matches the shirt underneath.ย  The feel of his fabric is soft like blankets.ย  He is very interesting to look at when I am a child and open to all this detail.ย 

     I cling to his neck in the back seat of his long Cadillac. My mother doesnโ€™t ride with us during the day.  She comes along if we are dressed up and going out to dinner.  I enjoy the car rides most.  He sings songs and his hand flutters about, catching me by surprise behind the ears, and  I shriek.  Daddyโ€™s laughter echoes inside my ears.

ย ย ย ย  We visit friends in Hollywood who own delicatessens, restaurants, and clothing stores. We go to Paramount Studios and I ride around on a pony or get kissed by cowboys in a Western scene.ย  We go to Beverly Park almost every day to ride the ponies.ย  I am only two years old when Daddy slings me over this big stinky pony, and insists that I go around the ring one more time so he can watch.ย  I meet Hoppalong Cassidy and we visit his booth at Pacific Ocean Park.ย  When my father was a film producer he worked with Hoppalong on a western film.

     Our home in Bel Air was where I lived before I knew how fortunate we were.  My room was at the end of a long hallway, and I was afraid to leave the room when it was dark because it seemed such a long distance to my parents. The wallpaper danced around my eyes, a collage of flowers illuminated the black background, and I was wrapped in a blue satin comforter.  My room was cluttered with dolls.  As a young child, I preferred staying in my room and imagining characters for my dolls. 

ย ย ย ย  ย My father showed us, and really paraded us around as if we were exceptionally talented.ย ย  I never understood why these people fussed over me. I sort of distrusted them, before I understood what that meant. There were exceptions, the ones I knew to be real family people earned my affection.ย  I dreaded the routine of being placed in front of a group of men and women who stared at me as I curtsied or mumbled โ€œHello.โ€ย ย  George Raft came to all my birthday parties, Nick the Greek showed me card tricks and Swifty Morgan told stories all night.ย  Damon Runyon characterized him in his stories as the โ€œLemon Drop Kid.โ€ย  I was surrounded by men with FBI files and notorious reputations for being dangerous gangsters. Some of them had been arrested for murder. Others were old-time bootleggers from Cleveland and Detroit.ย  I knew them as Uncle Lou,ย  Doc, or Uncle Johnny.ย  Years later I would discover they were Lou Rhody of the Cleveland Jewish Syndicate in Cleveland, Doc Stacher, the tough New Jersey underboss to Longy Zwillman, (the guy who discovered Jean Harlow in a speakeasy in New Jersey), and Johnny Rosselli, the king of Las Vegas in its heyday.ย  I was enchanted by these men, they were family friends, and they never followed the rules.

      This home was my fatherโ€™s showplace.  He bought the house in 1955, and that was a bad year for him. I was two years old.. That was the year that a number of his friends and associates died or were murdered.  Like Little Willie Moretti from New Jersey, who was killed by rival gangs, and Tony Canero, who died at the blackjack table of the Stardust Hotel. 

     Willie had a problem keeping his mouth shut.  Frank Costello, the leader of the syndicate group most closely associated with my father, sent Willie out to California where heโ€™d be safe from harm. Willie was unstable, taking bets on losing horses and talking to people he shouldnโ€™t. Frank asked my father to keep an eye on Willie, to become a confidant.  He was told to dress up as a Doctor and pay visits to Willie.  My father obliged and Willie took a liking to my father.  Willie suggested to Frank that the boys should build this doctor a hospital.  Frank told the story to some of the other fellows and they must have had a good laugh.  Frank had another idea,  giving Allen the job of promoting Willieโ€™s good friend, Frank Sinatra.  My father declined the offer.  Eventually, Willie returned to New York and was found dead stuffed in the trunk of his car. The second tragedy was the suicide of Louis  Rothkopf, โ€œLou Rhodyโ€ they called him, or โ€œUncle Louie.โ€  He was one of four bosses of the Jewish Cleveland syndicate, (the Mayfield Road Gang), and one of my fatherโ€™s closest friends. I heard that Louie would cross to the other side of the street if he saw a guy that owed him money. He had a big heart. With his wife Blanche, the Rothkopfโ€™s were respectable business owners in the Chagrin Falls area of Cleveland.  When Senator Estes Kefauver launched a federal investigation on organized crime, he exposed and ruthlessly slandered Lou and his partners.  Not just as bootleggers, and distillery owners, but murderous syndicate men with ties to the Italian Mafia. By this time, Lou and his partners were operating legitimate business enterprises all over Cleveland. Blanche commit suicide two years before Lou also took his own life.  I have been told that my father brought Lou in to save the Desert Inn Hotel in Las Vegas, when the first owner,Wilbur Clark, went busted.    

                     * * * * *

      The house in Bel Air brings back the best memories of my childhood, but few visions remain. The front yard was a blanket of pink and white geraniums.  They were tended to by our gardener, and though I wished to sit in their path, and smell their fragrance, I was told not to play in the geraniums. The flowers were my first contact with nature. It wasnโ€™t enough to just look at them, I wanted to lay with them and watch their breathing.

      Our house was perched at the top center of Thurston Circle, a sort of distant cousin to the discreet upper Bel Air locked behind black iron gates. There was no gate at our entrance, and the neighborhood homes were a mixture of two-story colonial and ranch style. The view of Los Angeles from the living room and my parentโ€™s room was an electric and absorbing scene for a small child who hadnโ€™t known anything beyond her house. At night lights glittered against a black sky, and I could sit by the window and dream of what the lights were all about.  Entangled bougainvillea grew wildly behind our house. We picked figs and avocados from trees in the yard. There I learned my first lesson about family values. One day my father showed me a nest of small birds perched on a branch of a spruce tree.  He pointed out the mother bird hovering over her babies in the nest, and then he drew my attention to the father bird perched on our television antenna. โ€œYou see, thatโ€™s what the father bird must do, is guard his little family, just like I do.โ€  I asked a few questions, and he just kept telling me that it was so remarkable how animals take care of their families and I should watch them and learn something.

   My parents gave me extravagant toys. I was about four when my father installed a roller coaster in our backyard. He sat me in the cart and I rode up and down the bumpy track, screeching with laughter.  My mother was always there, watching from a distance. Daddy was the one that loads me up with surprises and Mommy was the one to feed me, clean me up, and tuck me in at night. I could tell her everything, she listened to me and watched over me. She doesnโ€™t interfere with me when I am playing with my dolls.

TO BE CONTINUED

Drizzle Thoughts


The embryo of thought. Sometimes it is negligible, as is life.  I am the puzzle maker and every time I try to carve the right size square, I fall off the board and have more material to write about. The puzzle is so vast that it covers our lifetime and the pieces are the choices, and non-choices that fit into themes.  My life, is like a melody, a Gershwin tune. As a dancer and prancer at heart, my feet are my hands, and my hands are my heart. Drizzling rain is relative to thoughts on a Saturday; a few thoughts for my book, assembling the bedroom fan, calling friends, a walk with my umbrella to live in rain, answering emails, and those hypnotic Film Noir Classics on Utube. When world news disables self-absorbency, it’s a relief, I hold hands with whatever keeps me alive.

HONESTY-REMEMBER


Except from a work in progress.

Greta dressed in pink jeans, a pink striped polo shirt, and low-heeled pumps. As she opened the door she thought, and said out loud one step to go. She flipped down the top of her car to ride visible, a sort of rehearsal to adjust to the main street on a Saturday afternoon. Storm clouds churned and after checking the weather channel, rain coming in one hour, Greta closed the convertible and went back indoors. Not truly disappointed as sheโ€™d stayed up till three am watching the Shooter series on Netflix and woke at eight.

(I use the name Greta in my manuscript because of this, my father repeatedly scolded me when I said, I want to be alone, he replied, ‘Who do you think you are Greta Garbo?’)

Journal June 10th.

The street was quiet except for the barking dogs so I sat down to write, and let the paper stare back blankly. I switched over to Facebook and viewed my feed, the Rolling Stones, Italy Travel, Artnews, Creative Non-Fiction, Emily Luxton Travels, and Jazz photography. Voyeurism, the normalcy of our culture, to watch life from a screen, I’m guilty because I’m at heart a loner, a drifter that moves on the outskirts of socialization. When discourse and confrontation knock at my door, I go dormant to the world outside. My mask is not convincing, So, I bear up, like today, and take nature as my friend; a patch of blue, gray skies, the sun tea cup surprise, the birds and chipmunks on my lawn, and the occasional passersby who are living in their world. At seventy only two lines matter: I’m proud of you, and you could have done better. HONESTY.

THE LEGEND LADY OF PALACE AVE


0124130930

The throw of the dice this week lands on adventures in livingness; one day at a time. People with terminal illness, suffering from a shattered romance, a death of a friend, a natural disaster, always say the same thing; One day at a time.

Walking up Palace Avenue on a day spread with sunlight, and a continuum of power walkers, bikers and runners, passing by in whiffs of urgency, I took my time. I didnโ€™t feel like flexing, just evaporating into the shadows, and the moving clouds. I walked by a little adobe, that once was a dump site for empty bottles, cartons, worn out furniture, and piles of wood. A year later, the yard is almost condominium clean. Just as I was passing the driveway, the little woman whom Iโ€™d seen walking up Palace with her bag of groceries, appeared like a gust of history in the driveway of her adobe casita. She wore her heavy blanket like coat and a bandanna on her head. Regardless of weather, sheโ€™s bundled up in the same woven Indian coat and long wool skirt. I stood next to her, a foot or so taller, and she unraveled history, without my prompting. She told me about the Martinez family, the Montoyas, and the Abeytas, all families she knew, all with streets named after them. Estelle asked me my name, and then took my hand in her weathered unyielding grip, โ€˜Oh I had an Aunt named Lucero, and we called her LouLou.โ€™ She didnโ€™t let go of my hand, and then she told me that the families, some names Iโ€™ve forgotten, bought homes on Palace in 1988 for $50,000, She shook her finger to demonstrate her point. โ€˜You know how many houses the Garcias bought? Five! Then they fixed them up and sold them.โ€™

I could have stood there in the gravel driveway listening to Estelle all afternoon. She owns the oral history I love to record; but it is difficult to understand her, she talks with the speed of a southwest wind. We parted and I thought about the times in my life when the smallest of interactions elevates my spirit. In older people, who are not addicted to gadgets and distant intimacy, I’m reminded of how speed socializing has diminished the opportunity for a sidewalk chat.

ย