The throw of the dice this week lands on the lost dice. It was an unusual time to be writing the dice, around four in the afternoon. The sunshine drew me up to my writing desk where the rays of light teased me into believing it wasn’t cold outside. I decided to write the column.
I knew I shouldn’t write on my laptop because it is deconstructing. The ports and CD player have malfunctioned, the screen dotted and the audio goes on and off. I can’t part with this laptop until I finish the book, ( 5 pages to go). The warmth of the sun and the window that enables me to see the sky, drew me to the desk, and so I work around the errors.
I only had a few paragraphs from the afternoon, and when I returned to the column after dinner, the whole piece took another course, and I was writing not what I intended but it was like sailing on a perfect course. It was writing without the editor, meaning the inner editor that sometimes swoops down and cuts your nails off. I was writing about many things that happened. When I finished I went to the save the document and the laptop responded negatively. It vanished. I thought about trying to recapture the column, trying to reinvent the stream of consciousness that seemed to be marathoning through my soul.
There were so many voices speaking all at once. I had to figure out how to connect the moment the leaves reminded me of Saratoga Springs, and how we must place our print, on the tablet, on the screen, and dismiss the resentful reader who judges where writing takes us. Sometimes, a reader knows me from the halcyon days, when light was brighter than dark. They don’t want to remember the way I feel it, they want to burn me for my feelings. And such an email buckles my knees and drips from my eyes. I am sorry they never achieved more than hatred.
SCREENPLAY: My Hoodlum Saint is the story of a woman whose survival is wedged between love and fear of her father. It exposes my struggle to survive adolescence while growing up in my father’s secret and terrifying world, where only family could be trusted.
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