REVERSE THE SPENDING.


Big spenders, rich or poor, are learning like me, that spending more than you have, like the US Government, follows you until your legs break over the debt line. I used to spend everything, before the check even arrived. Now, I am stimulated by resisting my fav delicacies, the extra beauty clutter, the wrapped $6.00 soaps, luxury bath salts and body creams, and the RLauren sales. I love to walk into a shop and leave with the one essential item. As I’ve moved into a 300 square foot no-kitchen casita and rented out the house, there’s no room for new stuff. I live with art, music, a few books, and a bulky 32″ television. There is a mini frig that suits two bottles, three condiments, pre-washed lettuce, and sliced cold cuts. Love the condensible lifestyle–so far.

TWO PATHS SAME END


There are two kinds of happiness. One ensures promise of financial
comfort, family, and children. The other kind ensures nothing. It is always adventures in livingness. In the end, both kinds deliver who you are, and what you never knew about happiness. dsc01740.jpg


When you text the person who shares your home, it could be a sign of diminishing emotions, or detachment. If a relationship is developed through text or email, it will shatter like cheap glass when tested.

SACRIFICE


Locked up in the imaginary world of writing. It’s not always so accessible, so effortless, and when it is lock yourself in and give it your life.
The fall drapery from the window teases me with specks of sunlight, and leaves dropping like snowflakes. My spirit is drawn outdoors.
to walk, hike, run in its splendor. Sacrifice is how we finish our plays, canvas, book, song, and poem.

WHEN TO WRITE


Now. I don’ feel like writing, and haven’t for a month other than scribbling in the journal and on napkins. When I run from the pen, then it is time to write. I bought the refills yesterday, and three writing pads. What I discovered, going straight to the laptop is constipating; I must first write in long hand allowing the flow of urgency to ink and not having the option of making corrections.

CESAER’S SALAD


I moved in with my Dad when I was thirteen years old.ย  My mother had just passed away, and I arrived with innocence and untrained cooking skills.ย  Mom was an Irish Catholic meatloaf and corn-beef cook. ย Dad was a Russian Orthodox raisedย  moderate vegetarian, and decided to hire a chef to teach me how to cook.

I came home from school one day, and found Caesar ย in the kitchen. He was a stand-in for Paulie in the Godfather, only he had curly black hair, and apple red cheeks.ย  Caesar was dressed in a black suit, white shirt, and an apron that fell short of fitting him.ย  Dad instructed Cesar to teach me how to make salads, baked fish, and spaghetti with oil and garlic. Everyday after school, Caesar was in the kitchen preparing dinner for us, and I ย stood beside him, observing his chubby knuckled fingers, slice and chop vegetables. We started with what Dad ordered; a meal in a salad, and later coined it Farmer’s Chop Suey. The salad was not just prepared, it was a decorated masterpiece when he finished. During the preparation, I noticed beads of sweat on Caesarโ€™s face, and a jittery nervousness, surfaced just before my father arrived home, โ€œWhat do you think?ย  Will Dad approve?โ€ย  He asked. I assured him Dad would love the salad.ย ย ย  Cesar and I became pals, and waited anxiously for Dadโ€™s arrival.ย  He wasnโ€™t all that agreeable. Fastidiousness and perfection are common traits amongst gangsters.ย  Usually, Dad remarked there wasnโ€™t enough garlic, or there were too many croutons, and Caesar would swiftly correct the complaint.

After Cesar went home, ย Dad would talk to me about food, and how everything starts in the stomach, and how the vegetables have to be scrubbed, and the seeds removed.ย  Three or four times a week Dad dined out, and he didn’t order salads.ย  He frequented Italian restaurants, and his favorite was Bouillabaisse, with a side of pasta.ย  I never saw him enjoy any food as much as Borsch with sour cream, and smoked white fish. That was his favorite childhood meal. Hisย  father was a Orthodoxย  Butcher, a very scared skill that requires a thoroughย  understanding of Kosher preparation.

About six months had passed, and I came home one day and Cesar wasnโ€™t there.ย  Instead I found my father in a rage. I asked about Cesar and he told me it was none of my business, and to start preparing dinner.ย  After my first salad preparation, Dad applauded my presentation, and assured me everything he was teaching me would serve me later on in life. He explained he had to beย  harsh and demanding, ย because he wanted me to be able to take care of myself properly.

I developed into a moderate vegetarian and have used that salad as a blueprint for most of my meals. Now I create a variety of salads, and a lot more ingredients:ย  like white beans,ย  garbanzos, walnuts, tuna, or shrimp,ย  artichokes, sun-dried tomatoes etc.ย ย  My friends call me a free-style cookย  because I only use recipes when Iโ€™m making soups or stews.

I was very fortunate to grow up with a father who spent hours teaching me what I would need to know in life.ย  This is something you won’t read or see in a film about growing up with gangsters.

TEST PILOT


THE FILM, stars Myrna Loy, Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy. At the risk of outrage from women who hate men, this film illustrates what a woman will and should do for the man she truly loves. The catch five is finding the right man to do it for!

 

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/test-pilot/#

HONESTY BRINGS HONOR.


The interior dialogue that is MALICIOUS and masked from the outside world, rots and takes the man or woman with it. BE HONEST AND IF YOUR ENCOUNTERS ARENโ€™T, TEACH THEM.

EDITING A LIFE


Instead of launching the billboard type of changes in your life that come crushing down on us, try editing out a few nuances at a time. After you experiment with that, try revising your fears, one at a time.

Up and Down a Vacation Rental Episode.


After three years, eight months and four days, Rudy (AKA โ€œRisky Torpedoโ€)my should have been brother, and former lover returned to Santa Fe. He pulled into the driveway in his VW Van with the cracked windshield, and his prehistoric dashboard collection of rattle-snake tails, and plastic toy reptiles, red rocks, and feathers.
โ€œYouโ€™re not going to believe what happened.โ€
โ€œDonโ€™t tell me, the car broke down.โ€
โ€œNo, I fell asleep on the road.โ€
โ€œThen what?โ€
โ€œI checked into the Knights Motel for a few hours. Iโ€™m fine. He looked emaciated, lean as a cougar, and hungry as a wolf. My maternal instincts raged to nurse him.โ€
โ€œWow, the porch really needs paint. Iโ€™ll start tomorrow. โ€œ
โ€œDonโ€™t you want to take a few days off and hike, or dig for petroglyphs?โ€
โ€œHell no! I got a lot of work before our first guests arrive. When do the first guests arrive?โ€
โ€œJune 20.โ€
โ€œPiece of cake.โ€
โ€œWait till you see the list.โ€
John, the man who has come closest to me since Daddy, barbequed that night, while Risky set his cowboy boots into the New Mexican soil, watched the clouds open like white envelopes, and acclimated himself to the home we used to share-as a perceived couple. I wondered what our neighbors at La Posada would be thinking, as the three of us, the we of me, congregate on the front porch around my mayhem, Rudyโ€™s Hank Williams music, and Johnโ€™s pacing during a phone conversation with his agent. The discourse and chaos of life is what draws us together, not the complacency.

Reconfiguring a gallery that we never really furnished as a home,into a first-class vacation rental for six to eight people, took up one entire spiral notepad. I saved the notepad, not because I will ever do this again because my passion for struggle, deconstruction, and chaos has passed. I noticed that about two weeks into the reconstruction.
At times I think I mine mayhem because our family home burnt when I was eight years old, and the impression it left was that everything can change between the time you get on the bus to go to school and when you come home.
Ann, my therapist back in the โ€˜90s suggested that the fire that burned our family home was why I became a transient mover, incessantly rearranged furniture, and loved hotels. I kept a list for years of all my addresses; by the time I was forty, I had moved forty-two times.
What you do if you convert your home into a vacation rental is remove any signs of personal stain, sentiment or residency. The catch-all is that that we are not moving. We are going to hide everything that identifies us.
By the third day of Riskyโ€™s arrival the worn paint on the porch went from sulking yellow to stormy grey. Buckets of paint and brushes were scattered like leaves, new light bulbs, tins of gold leaf paint, and tubes of caulking.
โ€œRisky canโ€™t you put your tools in one place?โ€
โ€œNo I cannot. I never have. Why would you even ask? You know this is how I work.
โ€œI ask because you know I have to ask.โ€
Indoors, John was between rewriting a script, and agreeing to my yelps for help: โ€œWould you help me move all the books to the dining table?โ€ He didnโ€™t just move them, he stacked them by subject. Then I boxed them, and painfully stacked them in the other closet, next to the boxes of albums, personal photos, journals, and Lanieโ€™s dice collection that has grown to casino impressive numbers. A box of photographs marked 2003 was tempting me to peek inside. I lifted the lid, and landed on a photo of Rudy and I in Taos, perched on a boulder in the ski valley. Flashing images, not of where we were, but of who we were, who all of us were back then.
Then came the cartons of FBI and INS files; the beasts that entrap me. These boxes, filled with the answers to my family history, have been attached to me for seventeen years.
โ€œGee Loulou, why not pack a few dozen more: theyโ€™re not heavy enough. Do you know how many times Iโ€™ve moved these?โ€
Risky lugged the boxes down two flights of stairs to the basement, which he had to rearrange because my Vacation Rental advisor told us it wasnโ€™t presentable. All this activity stirred a family of mice who turned up on the garden pathway, and zipped by me as I laid the platter of food on the outdoor dining table.
โ€œThe mice are not dead.โ€ I told Risky over and over. Because he loves all creatures, he avoided the traps until the mice turned up in the flower beds while he was planting.
Itโ€™s the first time in several years since itโ€™s taken six months to fill one Raika lined journal. And without my journal, I swell up, and then explode. The explosion comes in swift unmanageable bursts that once, during one of the manuscript box moves, the one marked โ€œRejection Letters,โ€ allowed me to take a great deep breath, and drop the box squarely over the 2nd story landing.
โ€œWhat happened?โ€ John and Risky took giant steps towards the box, and then looking up at me, to see if more was coming, I replied, โ€œRejection letters.โ€
In one of the free tote bags that come with a purchase at Nordstroms, I dropped the books I would need, the ones that nourish my appetite for understanding: Henry Miller, Anais Nin, Joan Didion Lawrence Durrell, and the ones I have not read yet. I was able to pack fifteen books in the bag, which I imagined would go in the front seat of the car if we were driving or in the suitcase if I was flying. Where John and I would escape during the eight days our guests would live here, was still undetermined.
After the books came the wardrobe, shoes, cosmetics, toiletries, porcelain pets, fans, masks,
CDโ€™s, DVDโ€™s, and then my desk.
Within hours, my private writing room, and literary sanctuary for the last five years, was ransacked, broken down, like a theater set, and stored in stackable trays that I wheeled into the closet. โ€œThis feels very weird. Itโ€™s as if Iโ€™m stripping from the inside out.โ€
โ€œWhat about the filing cabinet? Where does that go?โ€
Rudy was on the floor, attaching wheels to the cabinet, and I was in the closet, where the space was shrinking around me.
โ€œLouLou, what about Cancun?โ€ John yelled from another room.
โ€œWhat about it?โ€ I shouted from the closet floor, where I was organizing jewelry.
โ€œI have a time share I can exchange. Iโ€™ve never been there.โ€
โ€œItโ€™s too late. Cancun is South Beach.โ€
And ten minutes later, it was more of Mexico, and British Columbia, and I was separating half-written essays, with memos to the Mob Experience, and the heat came in waves from the hallway, but I couldnโ€™t get out of the closet.
Later that afternoon, my browsing eye churned Craigโ€™s listings, while Johnโ€™s continuing efforts to find us an escape lingered in the hallway.
โ€œHow about Laguna Niguel?โ€
My finger landed on a posting, โ€œWriterโ€™s Cabin on 40 acres in San Cristobel, Taos where Aldous Huxley wrote Island.โ€
โ€œJohn, I found a place! Letโ€™s go tomorrow to check it out. This will be such an adventure! Itโ€™s next to a riding stable, and creeks, and treesโ€ฆ and DH Lawrence lived up the hill.โ€
As always, John replied: โ€œSure, why not?โ€
To be continuedโ€ฆ.

Out of Control


This week is on control, and losing it. You hear that phrase often enough, โ€œshe has control issues.โ€ Iโ€™m not sure what that means. I donโ€™t understand how a society of rules and regulations that delivers more commands every day is expected to produce a society without control issues. I lost control of my life and so I am getting in touch with โ€œout of control.โ€
Bohemian living was always in my dreams, having been raised in a perfectly pressed pinafore and seated on fragile furniture. I am not really very gypsy like when it comes to home. Once upon a time I lived in a suitcase, but I have since been corrupted by the joy of controlling all the things that come into the house and find a place there.

Once faced with this alarming epiphany I vowed to give up control and accept the disorder and disruption. What Iโ€™ve rediscovered is that without a lot of stuff to organize the mind is free to think. The house chores are minimal, leaving more time to create and effect important things. Narcissism is sacrificed and replaced with more visceral reflections.

Once I place myself inside the double yellow line of society, I feel those controls closing in on me. Losing control is a replenishment of youthful spirit. Itโ€™s free and painless. Try it, take off the leash and run free.

Two days later I was in a hotel, preparing for a reunion, a day of shopping, and luxuries of a woman on the road, when the news broke.. How did you feel when you heard the news. John and I went silent, and drove two hours in more conscientious silence.

JAMMING UP HIP-HOP


Free your mind and the rest will follow; the words from EnVogueโ€™s latest release played all day on the radio. Every time I got in the car to hunt up real estate listings, I heard that song.
I worked in an industrial building along an industrial highway in San Diego. I shared a warehouse with twelve men, eleven of them tall, weight trained football on Sunday guys, who ate at expensive restaurants amongst a club of commercial real estate agents, where theyโ€™d be noticed. They were pretty decent guys, except the partners who each had severe a case of ego malnutrition and competed for attention like two tottlers. Greg was the only short one in the bunch, and he wore a rug, manicured his nails, and surfed on the weekends. He was always talking about his Karate black belt, and how he knocked guys out. He rarely laughed and when he did he sounded like a chirping bird. Greg used to give me his wifeโ€™s unworn clothes and waited in my living room while I tried them on. It was sort of strange, but he never played the trump card and asked for anything in return.
One day in the summer of 1992 I called the office secretary.
โ€œGail, Iโ€™m not coming in for awhile. Will you forward my calls to my home?โ€
โ€œAre you all-right?โ€
โ€œOh yea. Iโ€™m fine.โ€
โ€œWhat should I tell Sam?โ€
โ€œTell him Iโ€™m on leave of absence.โ€
I lived in a little cottage house in North Park. It was all white with a picket fence and a squared grass yard where my dog played. The front room was small but the carpeting was new, so I could curl up on the rug and watch the clouds from the windows.
I threw my nylons and navy pumps in the garbage, and folded the business suits into boxes. I knew I wasnโ€™t going back, but where I was headed was a throw of the dice.
Mornings I ran through Balboa Park before the crowds arrived, and got to see the zoo keepers feeding the animals, and the actors going into The Old Globe Theater. I filled my senses with virgin light and morning silence, unfamiliar sensations to office workers living with florescent lighting and partition walls. In the afternoon I lounged around in sweats watching music videos, reading magazines and dancing.

I watched some new music videos, maybe EnVogue or Bobby Brown, and tried to imitate the hip-hop moves on the carpet. It was like watching a cat in the snow. I called all the dance schools, and no one was teaching hip-hop. I didnโ€™t know back then my mother was a dancer; so this impulsive and implausible scheme to start a dance troupe startled me as much as everyone I told.
The last lease deal I did was for a group of soccer players from Jamaica. They needed a space to open a reggae dance club. They told me theyโ€™d called other agents and no one would take their business. I found a disheveled warehouse and struck a deal for them. They fixed up the warehouse themselves, with colored lights, and some tables, but Rockers was really about the dancing. I walked into the club one night, and they were all doing their part; greeting customers, spinning vinyl, and serving drinks. I danced with Leroy, the leader of the group, and watched him unfold from the waist down. He danced so low to the floor, he appeared boneless.
โ€œLeroy, Iโ€™m going to start a dance troupe. You guys inspired me.โ€
โ€œWhat kind of dance?โ€™
โ€œHip-Hop and jazz funk.โ€
Leroy covered his mouth with one hand and laughed.
โ€œWhatโ€™s so funny?โ€
โ€œYouโ€™re a business woman; I didnโ€™t know you was a dancer.โ€
โ€œWell, I took lessons a long time ago.โ€
โ€œHip Hop?โ€
โ€œNo, Jazz. Iโ€™m going to find the dancers to teach. I know there out there.โ€
โ€œYea, they out there all right; lots of them.โ€
โ€œWell see! Iโ€™d like to use your space, pay rent of course, when youโ€™re not open.โ€
โ€œWell thatโ€™s all right. You donโ€™t need to pay me.โ€
I hugged him, and he shook his head. โ€œI donโ€™t think thereโ€™s much money in teaching hip-hop.โ€ he said.


At the community college I posted a sign for dancers, and observed some classes. When I got the call from Piper, he asked me to come see him teach at the Church on University Avenue. I drove over one night, and found Piper in a little room upstairs, teaching Jazz Funk to one woman. He was tall and lanky with a smile that creased his whole jaw. He came over, shook my hand, and said, โ€˜How you doing? Iโ€™m Piper.โ€™ He wore an immaculate shield of confidence that defied his nineteen years, and moved at the intersection of Michael Jackson and James Brown. The groove spiraled through his body.
โ€œIโ€™ll help you get it started; if youโ€™re not a trained dancer you need help.โ€
So Piper and I met every week and finally landed on a group that incorporated Jazz-Funk, Hip-hop and Afro-Cuban. I named the company United Steps Dance Productions, and the Jammers were the hip-hop troupe.


Iโ€™ll never forget the look on the partnerโ€™s faces when I told them I was starting a multicultural dance troupe. They just stared at me blankly. Then within weeks all five of my unclosed lease deals were signed at the same time. I walked out with enough money to live six months. That was real security in my mind.


Piper and I held our first audition at Rockers. When I opened the doors that morning, dancers were already lined up outside. They came dressed in street clothes; wearing scarves, baseball caps, loose pants, and tank tops. I watched them leap, kick, split, and turn inside out for the job. I knew that I was in the right spot.ย  One dancer walked out, stood still for a moment, and then leaped into a break-dance pop-lock routine that silenced the crowd. โ€œHim Piper, definitely him.โ€ Heโ€™s bad, yea heโ€™s real bad.โ€ At the end of the auditions, Piper mocked me.
โ€œLue, we canโ€™t sign every dancer just cause they hip-hop. Anyone can do that.โ€
I canโ€™t hip hop and itโ€™s my company.โ€
โ€œYea, and youโ€™re crazy. I swear, Lu youโ€™re crazy.โ€
We agreed on pop-locker Vince-Master Jam, and Monique, a young Afro-Cuban dancer. That was the beginning.
When Vince and I met, he told me he lived in Escondido.
โ€œBut thatโ€™s an hour away.โ€
โ€œItโ€™s cool, Iโ€™ll be here. Just give me the chance.โ€
Vince showed up twice a week at night for his class. Many times, we sat in the cold damp club, listening to music and Vince tried to teach me to pop-lock. I apologized for not having students and he looked at me, and said, โ€œ Donโ€™t worry Lue, will get it going on.โ€


Our first performance was at the Red Lion Hotel. I hired a video tech to record the performance. We got a free dinner and a hundred dollars. We had a good crowd, and everyone loved them. Afterwards in the dining room, they were talking, laughing and elbowing each other. Piper was ranting about Monique taking too much time, and Vince was telling Piper to chill because Monique was so good. I sat there just listening, with a big smile on my face.
The Jammers belonged to the no smoking, no drinking, no drugs group. For the first few months, they taught on tiled floors under a leaky roof, without any heat. But they kept coming back to teach and their dedication moved me to find a better location. We relocated to a well-heeled Health Club downtown San Diego and the classes filled up with students, dancers, and office workers searching for a new lunch. They came from all different races; Asian, White, Hispanic and Black. I danced with the classes and promoted our troupe. The Jammers laughed at my attempt to be a soul sister, and I laughed with them. We were reviewed by KPBS magazine, and a photographer took pictures of us and featured us in the magazine.
Searching for gigs proved to be an exasperating struggle. I called department stores, festival producers, shopping centers, nightclubs, hotels and everyone had the same line, โ€œI donโ€™t think hip-hop is right for our clientele.โ€
When I ran out of money I took a job managing a condominium project, where I lived rent free. After a time of observing the Jammers self expression, I asked myself, what is mine? I still refused to get on stage. Vince used to bawl me out because I made Piper introduce the group.
After two years Piper moved to Los Angeles to launch his dancing career, and I let Vince take the troupe where he wanted it to go. He turned it around, adding twelve dancers and broke more ground in San Diego. Monique developed into a serious stage actress and we all lost touch. They were the sparklers in my life; like that star you think youโ€™ll never hold. I left the Jammers a different woman. They put the rhythm back in my spirit and soul.
When I recently located Vincent on an Actors website, I called him right away. He is a missing link in the chain of my life. Without that adventure, I might still be imitating the kind of business woman I wasnโ€™t. We met in Los Angeles, and watched Vince perform in a club. He kept his vision and now acts on television and video. โ€œ Lue, now you have to find Piper.โ€
It was Piper, who said to me one day after reading some of my poetry, โ€œ Lu, youโ€™re not a dancer. Youโ€™re a writer.โ€
Any dice to throw Email: folliesls@aol.com