SATISFYING PRINT ON AL SMILEY AT LAST: IN JEWISH POST & NEWS


April 6, 2015

Former Winnipegger Al Smiley had a close association with โ€œBugsyโ€ Siegel

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Al Smiley

By MARTIN ZEILIG
On the evening of June 20, 1947, less than six months after he opened the Flamingo Hotel-Casino in Las Vegas, Ben โ€œBugsyโ€ Siegel died in a barrage of bullets through the front windows while sitting on a couch in his Beverly Hills mansion at 810 Linden Drive. Assassinated at the age of 41, Siegel was one of the USAโ€™s most notorious gangsters.
A former Winnipegger, Al Smiley (1907-1984) was with Siegel that evening.
โ€œMy dad was seated inches away from Siegel, on the sofa, and took three bullets through the sleeve of his jacket,โ€ said Luellen Smiley, a creative non-fiction writer, award-winning newspaper columnist, and Mob historian who lives in Sante Fe, New Mexico.
She consented to an interview with The Jewish Post & News earlier this winter.
โ€œHe was brought in as a suspect. His photograph was in all the newspapers,โ€ said Luellen.
โ€œHe was the only nonfamily member who had the guts to go to the funeral.โ€
So who was Al Smiley?
Born in Kiev, Ukraine in 1907 as Aaron Smehoff, Smiley and his family โ€“ father Hyman, mother Anne, sister Gertrude (who became a school teacher and lived in Winnipeg until her death many decades later), brothers Samuel and Benjamin โ€“ immigrated to Winnipeg when he was five, said Luellen Smiley, during a recent telephone interview with this reporter from her home in Sante Fe, New Mexico.
โ€œMy grandfather was a kosher butcher and delicatessen owner,โ€ she continued, noting that the family home and butcher shop was located at 347 Aberdeen Avenue.
โ€œHe maintained an Orthodox household and expected that his eldest son would become a rabbi. But, my father was rebellious and interested in sports, especially hockey.โ€
This caused conflict between the willful youth and his rigid, religious father.
So, the teenager fled Winnipeg for greener pastures in Detroit, Michigan via Windsor, Ontario in 1923.
He got a job travelling with the Ringling Brothers Circus and ended up in California where he was arrested for a drugstore robbery in San Francisco and sent to Preston Reformatory School in Ione, California, Luellen noted.
โ€œIt was there that he met legendary movie director Cecil B. DeMille,โ€ she said.
โ€œHe was doing some sort of research for a movie. My father asked him for a job in the movie industry upon his release, and DeMille agreed. He found my dad work in a wardrobe department.
He later became a property man, then a grip, the person in charge of production on a set, and eventually a producer.โ€
He befriended celebrities like George Raft, Eddie Cantor, Clark Gable, Lauren Bacall, along with such gangster associates as Ben Siegel.
โ€œIโ€™m pretty sure Dad met Ben through George Raft,โ€ Luellen Smiley speculated.
With Siegelโ€™s help he opened a nightclub in L.A. sometime in the late 1930s.
Smiley would later tell his daughter that Siegel was โ€œthe best friend I ever had.โ€
In her soon-to-published memoir, excerpts of which she agreed to let this newspaper print, Luellen Smiley reveals the conflicted feelings she had growing up, and into later life too, about her father:
โ€œSome children are silenced. The pretense is protection against people and events more powerful than them. As the daughter of Allen Smiley, associate and friend to Benjamin โ€˜Bugsyโ€™ Siegel, I was raised in a family of secrets.
โ€œMy father is not a household name like Siegel, partly because he wore a disguise, a veneer of respectability that fooled most. It did not fool the government.
โ€œWhen I was exposed to the truth by way of a book, I kept the secret, too. I was 13. My parents divorced, and five years later, my mother died. In 1966, I went to live with my father in Hollywood. I was forbidden to talk about our life: โ€˜Donโ€™t discuss our family business with anyone, and listen very carefully to what I say from now on!โ€™ But one night, he asked me to come into his room and he told me the story of the night Ben was murdered.
โ€œWhen I was spared death, I made a vow to do everything in my power to reform, so that I could one day marry your mother.
โ€œBen was the best friend I ever had. Youโ€™re going to hear a lot of things about him in your life. Just remember what I am telling you; heโ€™d take a bullet for a friend.
โ€œAfter my father died, I remained silent, to avoid shame, embarrassment and questions. But 10 years later, in 1994, when I turned 40, I cracked the silence. I read every book in print โ€“ and out of print โ€“ about the Mafia. Allen Smiley was in dozens. He was a Russian Jew, a criminal, Bugsyโ€™s right-hand man, a dope peddler, pimp, a racetrack tout. I held close the memory of a benevolent father, wise counselor, and a man who worshipped me.
โ€œI made a Freedom of Information Act request and obtained his government files. The Immigration and Naturalization Service claimed he was one of the most dangerous criminals in the country. They said he was Benjamin Siegelโ€™s assistant. They said he was poised to take over the rackets in Los Angeles. He didnโ€™t; he sold out his interest in the Flamingo, and he went to Houston to strike oil. I put the file away, and looked into the window of truth. How much more could I bear to hear?
โ€œHe stowed away to America at 16, and was eventually doggedly pursued for never having registered as an alien. He had multiple arrests โ€“ including one for bookmaking in 1944, and another for slicing off part of the actor John Hallโ€™s nose in a fracas at Tommy Dorseyโ€™s apartment. He met my mother, Lucille Casey, at the Copacabana nightclub in 1943. She was onstage, dancing for $75 a week, and my father was in the audience, seated with Copa owner and mob boss Frank Costello.
โ€œโ€˜I took one look, and I knew it was her,โ€™ was all he had told me on many occasions.
โ€œOn a trip to the Museum of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences in Los Angeles, I was handed a large perfectly pristine manila envelope, and a pair of latex gloves with which to handle the file. Inside were black and white glossy MGM studio photographs, press releases, and biographies of my motherโ€™s career in film, including roles in โ€˜The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,โ€™ โ€˜Ziegfeld Follies of 1946,โ€™ โ€˜Meet Me in St. Louisโ€™ and โ€˜Harvey Girls.โ€™ She was written up in the columns, where later my father was identified as a โ€˜sportsman.โ€™ The woman who pressed my clothes, washed my hair, and made my tuna sandwiches was an actress dancing in Judy Garland musicals, while her own life was draped with film noir drama.
โ€œMy father wooed her, and after an MGM producer gave her an audition, he helped arrange for her and her family to move to Beverly Hills, where she had steady film work for five years. He was busy helping Siegel expand the Western Front of the Costello crime family and opening the Flamingo casino in Las Vegas. They were engaged in 1946.
โ€œStill, the blank pages of my motherโ€™s life did not begin to fill in until I met R.J. Gray. He found me through my newspaper column, โ€˜Smileyโ€™s Dice.โ€™
โ€œOne day last year, R.J. sent me a book, โ€˜Images of America: The Copacabana,โ€™ by Kristin Baggelaar. There was my mother, captioned a โ€˜Copa-beauty.โ€™ Kristin organized a Copa reunion in New York last September. I went in place of my mother, but all day I felt as if she was seated next to me. I fell asleep that night staring out the hotel window, feeling a part of Manhattan history.
โ€œNow, the silence is over. I donโ€™t hesitate to answer questions about my family. I have photographs of Ben Siegel in my home in Santa Fe, NM, just as my father did. Every few months I get e-mails from distant friends, or people who knew my dad.
โ€œIt seems there is no end to the stories surrounding Ben and Al. I am not looking for closure. Iโ€™ve become too attached to the story. To me, he was a benevolent father, a wise counselor, and a man who worshipped me.โ€
Luellen Smiley can be contacted via email: folliesls@aol.com

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CASEY, A WOMAN OF SECRETS


CASEY, A WOMAN OF SECRETS

Sometimes, a blank piece of paper is the only way to begin, as it is today. I look out the window at blooming trees and a cupful of flowers rising from the ground. The sky is pale grey, and it is just fifty degrees.ย  May, my birthday month, reminds me of Casey, who threw the dice all her life. She gambled on her dreams.

Casey never told me much about herself.ย  She lived in the present moment and considered her past a private matter. ย Once I learned of her struggles as a young woman and her chosen life, she became more real than when Iโ€™d known her. ย During the years we were friends, she handed out selected stories, abruptly, with final endings. Being the inquisitive character, the shallowness of her stories bated me. ย I had to pry the truth out from other people who had known her, and from government documents.

Caseyโ€™s first gamble was at sixteen years old. She sent in a photograph of herself for the Redbook Magazine modeling contest. If sheโ€™d won, the Powers Modeling Agency in New York City would grant her an audition as a model.ย  Casey lived with her mother and sister in East Orange, New Jersey. Her father had died suddenly, leaving the family without a financier.ย  Her mother was lost without her husband and unsuited to join the workplace.ย  Casey didnโ€™t tell her mother about the contest until she received the letter of congratulations.

John Robert Powers met Casey in his office on East 56th Street and signed her as a Powers Girl. She was stunning to look at, she was photographed like a movie star, and she was modest.ย  John Powers did not look for aggressive, pouty-lipped fearlessness.ย  ย  The Powers Girls were captioned Long Stemmed American Beauties because they were wholesome, beautiful, tasteful, courteous, and virtuous. They were so far from today’s runway models that it is almost a reversal of style.ย  The models of the thirties were ordained to set the highest example of classic good breeding and education. John not only schooled them in fashion, and individual taste, he instructed them in moral integrity, independence, and patriotism for their country. ย So Casey went to school at John Robert Powers and became one of the top ten models in the country.

She was a blue-black-haired Irish beauty with emerald green eyes and perfect teeth. She stood only 5โ€™ 7โ€, but that was fairly standard in those days. When I knew her, she was still thin and beautiful, but she did not fuss about herself or spend much time at her vanity.ย  As a Powers model, Casey had a long line of gentlemen callers. Powers Girls were invited to all the nightclub and dinner show openings, sporting events, community galas, and fund-raisers.ย  Social engagements were part of her job. Casey was not a woman of idle chat, in fact a lot of people thought of her as restrained and unfriendly, maybe even snobbish. I think it was more secrecy. ย People were always prying into her life because it looked glamorous. ย But there was another side to that glamour she didnโ€™t want to put a mirror to.

One evening, Casey had a dancing engagement at the Copacabana nightclub in New York City. She was on stage with other dancers when a gentleman noticed her.ย  The next chapter of Caseyโ€™s life began that night. ย At twenty-two years old, she fell in love with a man thirteen years older, of the Jewish faith, and who lived in Hollywood.ย  ย Casey never told me that she fell in love with a gangster.ย ย ย  I do know once she felt love for this man, it could not be reversed. The consequences of her love forced her to change and adapt to a new kind of life and different people.

She did not bury or give back her love after she learned what he did for a living.ย  She asked him to reform his criminal activities, and he agreed if only she would marry him.ย  We all know at twenty-two, a woman believes she can change a man, and a man lets her think she can. ย Without that dream, many lovers would not have found their mates.

Casey married her love and spent her life trying to keep her husband on track with honesty.ย  I met her husband just after he tried to reform and was beaten down by his past mistakes.ย  ย I called him Daddy.

EXCERPT FROM MY NEXT BOOK. UNKNOWN TITLE


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Page 525. Terrified to post this but it is Sunday and I’m brave on Sunday. The book is fiction, first-person, and close third person so you’ll need a jogging suit to read. Based on true events.

Greta let the moment of the village rescue stay with her, like a new pet for as long as she could hold on to its beneficial ointment, away from what she calls her immersion into self. She gives me examples that illustrate her obsession with matching outfits in her closet.

Itโ€™s a bedroom she converted into a dressing room. Thereโ€™s a single bed against one wall, a cabinet where she stores the winter boots, and an eight-drawer French nouveau dresser and mirror. She sits on a chair facing the windows so she can watch the trees live through sun, wind, rain, and snow. Across from the chair is the bed. She diligently arranged her summer pastel skinny jeans on the bed, and next to that row she arranged the T-shirts, camisoles, and shorts.  Itโ€™s quite practical considering Greta as she has admitted to me half a dozen times, that she was born without common sense or practicality.  At the base of the bed, she lined up her shoes, the slip-ons, the flats, the pumps stuffed with tissue paper to preserve their shape, and the wedges. After a breach of sanity, she goes into this room and visualizes outfits and color matching like someone might play chess.  โ€˜ It does have a purpose, this way I visualize without wrangling with hangers and you know it just takes too much time when youโ€™re in a closet.

‘”These days I look at them as if they belonged to someone else, I mean the red suede with gold heels that I wore on a New Yearโ€™s Eve of gaiety and not since, the black velvet pumps that always make me feel dainty and light. What care I give to all these garments when in the other part of the house, Dodger was descending into a financial coma.”

ย  Greta did not acknowledge the few months before his departure that he was riddled with abject unfulfilling tasks, bills, and construction jobs that no longer fed him purpose and accomplishment. She did not notice that his slacking posture on the front porch, head lowered and staring out without any body movement was a sign, she in fact despised it and walked away. ย In the last few months, all of this seemed to rise up like a curtain before a play, in a theater and she witnessed his insolence and his silent howl for help. ย 

The irony of her activity is that she doesn’t go to the events that she plans on going to wear the outfits.

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NIGHT THOUGHTS


I ROSE AT 3:00 AM to turn the heat on, pick up my writing journal, and discern the weekโ€™s theme. I wonder for a moment if I should boil water for tea or coffee, and settle on decaf. The street is hollowed like a tunnel, the light of day is shining in some distant country, and the sky appears tinted with primer. Somewhere someone is dressing for work, breathing by the tick of the clock until he or she ( canโ€™t figure out the right pronouns) must report for work.

The draft of sleep lingers in my eyes, and my feet shuffle on the wood floors while I grind the beans and think through the remains of the week. There are themes to our lives. Sometimes a year, sometimes one single day launches the theme, or it may just tumble into our path unexpectedly and replace whatever we were holding on to dearly, and deliver something unpleasant, like sickness, or separation. The sensations leading up to my theme jilted my creativity, and the pages I wrote were jammed with contradictions, maybe they still are.       

Thoughts begin to form and ruminate, what is important? The theme of my week began when I finally was in the Dentists office. Itโ€™s been a year, and at sixty that was enough. Now Dr. FX’s office calls me every six months because I am over sixty-five. Still canโ€™t really grasp my age. When I was thirty-something sixty-eight seemed very old. Do you remember that?

Dr. FX is the Music Man dressed in a white tunic. When he comes into my cubicle, he sort of prances on his toes and gives me an elbow safe bump.

          โ€œ Hello, oh I see,โ€ as he looks into my mouth that has been open too long and my cheeks start to stiffen. The hygienist takes that white suck-up tube out of my mouth.

          โ€œ She has some tarter that I canโ€™t remove so I suggest she come back because her gums are so sensitive and nonvaccine her for the water treatment .โ€

Dr. FX nods and bounces out of the room. Now she begins to sort of authoritatively advise me again that I have serious tarter.  I think this is the third time. 

          โ€œ I think I got a little lazy flossing during covid.โ€

          โ€œEveryone did.โ€

          โ€œAnd I also started snacking on those crunchy health bars at night.โ€

          โ€œThat wouldnโ€™t cause that.โ€

Now I am ready to leave and Iโ€™m elated to get out. The receptionist starts talking and advising me about Dental Insurance and she leaves her desk and meets me in the waiting room, and starts stretching.

          โ€œ I have to do this as much as I can, sitting in that chair all day long.โ€

          โ€œOh, of course,โ€ I raise my arms and swing my hips beside hers. I walked out into a day of clouds and a peek a boo sun feeling a mood change, a spark of energy from a few moments of improvisational dancing. We all crave an irreplaceable swarming of joy, that comes unexpectedly. I was awakened to my detachment from feeling truly alive.

Writing with a pen is so different from the keyboard, journaling is always with a pen, but columns are on the keyboard. I understand what tranquilizes all the peripheral complaints, mental pains, and wounds that lie dormant or at least manageable. Without thinking of the tormented hours, I think of the comforts of exhibiting my life on paper. My desk is sealed into a corner of the bedroom, next to a double pane window (original 1885) forty feet in length. It is not the act of writing with pen and paper moving along at a steady rhythm; itโ€™s the activation of the heart and mind, collaborating to unravel the relevant from the irrelevant. To reach this state of matrimony a writer needs not a Tuscan Villa, or a Moorish Castle, but experiences that flake off the skin, or recall of the experience that gives it relevance.

I return to the porch for one more gulp of landscape that I share with the stars. The street is unfamiliar, a temporary scene like a bus stop, and I am merely waiting to move on. Some of the neighbors are friendly, some have no interest, one kind of spies on me when he thinks Iโ€™m not looking. Thereโ€™s a reason for that but itโ€™s too much of a separate story right now.

If I continue to roam around the task of writing this story, the intensity of irritation will escalate, my neck and shoulders will not loosen, my walk will be feigned, my smile forced, my heart longing for padding, my ego striving for recognition in the wrong places, and my soul roaming the hallways at 3:00 in the morning. I read a quote the other day on some website, to paraphrase: When I’m writing I know I can’t do anything else. The theme of the week is to bring back LouLou, a clownish, spirited, curious, joy seeker.

SMILEY & SIEGEL


THE SIEGEL SMILEY LEGACYReuniting with Millicent at the Mob Experience.
BY: Luellen Smiley
When I was eleven years oldย  our home burnt to the ground in the Bel Air fire, and everything we owned fell to ash. Shortly after my mother moved us to an apartment in Brentwood, a mammoth carton arrived and was placed in the center of the living room. My mother cut it open and urged me to look inside. I sat cross-legged on the avocado green carpeting and discovered bundles of garments; Bermuda shorts, blouses, sweaters, and shirts.
I quickly shed my worn trousers and stepped into a new outfit, dancing about as I zipped myself in. My mother watched, and echoed my childish yelps of elation.
โ€œMommy, who are these from?โ€
โ€œTheyโ€™re from your Aunt Millicent.โ€
โ€œWho is she? I donโ€™t remember her.โ€
โ€œYou were a little girl. She loves you very much.โ€
Years later, my father, Allen Smiley, called and told me to come over to his apartment in Hollywood.
โ€œWhy Dad?โ€
โ€œMillicent is coming by; I told you she moved here, didnโ€™t I?โ€
Iโ€™d learned Millicent was Benjamin Siegelโ€™s daughter, and Ben was my fatherโ€™s best friend. Dad was sitting on the same chintz covered sofa the night Ben was murdered.
โ€œYou mean Ben Siegelโ€™s daughter?โ€
โ€œDonโ€™t refer to her that way ever again; do you hear me? She is Aunt Millicent to you.โ€
When my father answered the door, I watched as they embraced. Millicent had tears in her eyes. She walked over to me, and took my hand. I looked into her swimming pool blue eyes and felt as if I was drowning. She sat on the edge of the sofa and lit a long brown Sherman cigarette. I studied her frosted white nails, the way she crossed her legs at the ankles, her platinum blonde hair, and the way her bangs draped over one eye. What impressed me most was her voice; like a childโ€™s whisper, her tone was delicate as a rose petal.
I spent the rest of that afternoon memorizing her behavior. She emanated composure and a reserve that distanced her from uninvited intrusion.
Over the next few years, Millicent and I were joined through my fatherโ€™s arrangements, but I was never alone with her. When he died in 1982, she was one of only three friends at his memorial service.
As the years passed, and my tattered address books were replaced with new ones, I lost Millicentโ€™s phone number. I had been researching my fatherโ€™s life in organized crime, and had gained an understanding of my fatherโ€™s bond with Ben Siegel. My discoveries were adapted into a memoir and recently into a film script about growing up with gangsters. During this time, I had reconnected with several of Dadโ€™s inner-circle, but Millicent was underground, and now I understood why.
Last year I received an email from Cynthia Duncan, Meyer Lanskyโ€™s step-granddaughter. She told me about Jay Bloom, the man behind the Las Vegas Mob Experience, a state of the art museum that will take visitors into the personal histories of Las Vegas gangsters. Cynthia contributed her significant collection of Meyer Lansky memorabilia, and assured me Jay was paying tribute to the historical narrative of these men by using relatives rather than government and media sources. She wanted me to be involved.
Despite my apprehensions about the debasing and one-sided publicity that characteristically surrounds gangster history, I contacted Jay. In his return note, he invited me to participate, and added, โ€œMillicent would like to contact you.โ€
A month later I was seated in Jayโ€™s office waiting for Millicent. When she walked in, I stood to embrace her, and this time the tears were in my eyes.
Millicentโ€™s voice was unchanged and so was her regal posture. โ€œOur fathers were best friends, attached at the hip. Your Dad was at the house all the time. Iโ€™ll never forget when he and my mother met me at the train station to tell us about my fatherโ€™sโ€ฆ death. Smiley was very good to us. My mother adored him too.โ€
Jay took me on a tour of the collection warehouse, and the history Iโ€™d read about unfolded before my eyes. The preview room was like a family room to me, because some of the men had been my fatherโ€™s lifelong friends and protectors. I stopped in front of the Ben Siegel display case and saw an object that was very familiar.
โ€œMy father has the identical ivory figurine of an Asian woman. I still have it.โ€ So much of their veiled history was exposed; between these two men was a brotherly bond that transcended their passing and was even evident in their shared taste in furnishings.
Jay showed me a layout of the Mob Experience in progress. I turned to him and asked, โ€œIs it too late to include my father? All the rooms are assigned.โ€
โ€œMillicent and I already spoke about it. She wants your Dad in Benโ€™s room.โ€
After I returned home, Millicent and I talked on the phone.
โ€œYour father belongs in my Dadโ€™s room. Theyโ€™ll just have to make Mickey Cohenโ€™s room smaller.โ€
โ€œMy father hated Mickey,โ€ I said.
โ€œSo did mine! When are you coming back? Iโ€™ll kill you if you donโ€™t become part of this.โ€

Reuniting with Millicent at the Mob Experience.
Reuniting with Millicent at the Mob Experience.

 

THE THINKER & THE PUPPET


After Iย  published this last story,ย  I spoke with White Zen, my palgal in Santa Fe.ย  She said the last paragraph of the story made her cry.ย  Juxtaposed between the writers Zen of exporting such feeling, and the sadness we both shared. White Zen had a Thinker too. I guess there are more of them than I knew.

Having had six true loves in my life, who impregnated me with knowledge generosity, and loyalty is what made me so unprepared for the Thinker.ย  He does resemble Macedonio;ย  the first man to peel off the woman in me. They both have charisma, mystery, and good dark looks,ย  Macedonio is dead now, and the memories of him still glisten;ย  like the day in Golden Gate Park under the cherry blossom tree.

What I miss most, is the giggling, dancing, folly-maker that the Thinker pulled out of me as If I were a puppet. He called me Puppet because that’s how he saw me.ย  I’ve got to get my Jojo by tomorrow. I love Thanksgiving as a day with admissions of selfishness and greed. I need to be washed away into thanks that I am here with a mouthful full of food, and a napkin.

THE THINKER – THE IMPROVISER.


I was there a few days before I noticed a figure darting from one sea-lion to another. He gestured for me to follow but I couldnโ€™t catch him.

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He caught me by surprise from behind and wiggled over to me.
โ€˜Letโ€™s eat. Iโ€™m starved.” The Thinker dove down then up above my head. He cupped his fins around my head and pulled my hair.
โ€œWhere you been my Fins?โ€ I asked.
โ€œWhy?โ€ He said as he let go of me.
โ€œ Itโ€™s just a normal question?โ€
โ€œI donโ€™t answer those kinds of questions. I am building my sand castle! Wait till you see it–itโ€™s going to blow you away. Everyone will be blown away!โ€
โ€œExciting! Iโ€™m so happy for you. Will you show me?โ€
โ€œ Maybe. Don’t look at me like that. Your eyes, they draw me in. It scars me. I donโ€™t know what to do with you little one. Who are you?โ€
He lowered his eyes and sucked in his gills.
โ€œI really love you. I mean I want to be with you forever!โ€
You should make a book of shells and tell their stories. ”
” You’re right! I know their stories too!”
” You could make a lot of money.โ€
” I donโ€™t think about that. When I need money I just ask for it and it comes. All you do is count what you have. ”
” You think that!”
“Yes I said it didn’t I. ”
We carolled between starlight nights and crimson sunsets on the rock porch exploring varieties of sea mates. He used his fancy fish feet to get us into private ceremonies, and parties. The fish authorities didnโ€™t bother us at all. We crashed into a party of penguins, and we werenโ€™t eaten alive. My eyes were always on the thinker; as pleasurable anticipation bubbled inside.ย  In the morning he read to me from his bible, and watched the seagulls. He drove me in many directions, unfamiliar ideas, and habits that got me to thinking so when we swam we were always talking.
โ€œYou need to lower your voice. Make it deeper.”
โ€œWhy?โ€
โ€œTrust me.โ€
One day he swam me to a blow-hole.
โ€œIโ€™m not sure I can get through as easy as you do.” I said.
โ€œDonโ€™t say that. Follow me.” so I followed. I’d waited a long time to see the sand castle. As we expanded our gills and soared upward, my eyes searched for the castle.
โ€œYou see it? Isnโ€™t it spectacular?โ€
โ€œI see the sand yes, but where is the castle?”
โ€œYou don’t see it? Come onโ€”really. โ€
โ€œNo my fin. I don’t see anything but piles of sand.”
โ€œ Look beyond the piles. You have to see between the lines. You donโ€™t get it do you? You only look at whatโ€™s right in front of you. Thereโ€™s castles everywhere; huts, hideouts, back alleys. ”
โ€œIs this what you mean by patience?โ€
โ€œ No! This is conciseness of the universe. Weโ€™re not alone you know. The skeletons and ghosts are here.โ€
โ€œ Have you seen them?โ€
โ€œ The water of Santa Fe is as crowded as pavement. Iโ€™m telling you what no one else will. You should thank me for that. Iโ€™m handing you the key to the universe.โ€
โ€œ How about the key to a warm place to rest and food?โ€
โ€œ Youโ€™re such a brat. Come on. Iโ€™ll take you
to shore.โ€
I met his power posse; and they all assured me they could reverse orย  promote anything I wanted.
โ€œIf you are ever in trouble call me. I can fix it.โ€ย  the Thinker said.
โ€œ Like what?โ€
โ€œ Whatever you ask. You want to live forever under our safety net. You have to trust me. Youโ€™re a city cougar with a Range Rover and a brick house above water. Come on–donโ€™t you see that. Most of the fish hate you. You need me.โ€
His eyes narrowed into dagger like bits of darkness.
“Iโ€™m not a cougar. You are the first young exotic fish Iโ€™ve swam with.โ€
โ€œ Oh really. Thatโ€™s not what I heard.
โ€œ What did you hear?โ€
โ€œ I know about you?โ€
โ€œ Really. Then tell me what they say?โ€
โ€œ Youโ€™re impatient, aloof and swim alone. ”
โ€œ Iโ€™m not like that always.โ€
โ€œ Well I know, Iโ€™ve seen inside you.โ€
One day he emerged as a sea monster, holding empty bottles and wailing. I felt a rush of empathy and covered him with my body. He wrestled in pain for days and then when he surfaced, he was wearing a different face, and his touch was absent. His teddy bear eyes were like bricks of strength.
โ€œ Iโ€™m not coming back.โ€ He said
โ€œ Why?โ€ I pleaded
โ€œ Wrong question.โ€
โ€œ What did I do?โ€
โ€œ You donโ€™t see my castle. I canโ€™t be with you. All you think about is lobster and hotel vacations.โ€
โ€œ I havenโ€™t had lobster in years, or a hotel vacation.โ€ He swam away, just as suddenly as he appeared.
It was like a knife severing me from one place to another. He despised me. His curiosity and mischievous cleverness triumphed over affection and companionship. His splashes exploded into monsoons of tears inside of me. I returned to my brick house and closed the drapes. Every night I danced and cooked. I sat on the porch in a spray of solemn sunlight and didnโ€™t miss the waves or blow holes. Iโ€™d missed my dance music, old movies, journal and sanctuary of comfort. I made him vanish with a vow.

As I cut his sunflower from my yard, placed it in a vase and said, โ€˜when the flower dies so does my love for the Thinker.โ€™ The sunflower died yesterday. I pulled off the wrinkled yellow petals and scattered them in a planted pot. Maybe he will come back as the beautiful sunflower I once knew.ย  But I know he won’t. Love is in all of us. How we give it and cherish itย  is unique.ย  I still have my love. No one can take that.ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  20141122_143530[1]

 

 

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ADVENTURES WITH THE TIDE OF THE THINKER


Audrey. Photograph By Edward Quinn

I asked the sky to send the Thinker.ย  Then itย  rained in southwest furry,ย  small 22A65Ca5ndFhXTcktfb98jnckTJl4rZP0060[1]white knots of hail and dark feuding winds. The thinker heard and whistled to me. It was a sweet flutist tone, and he appeared in black and grey, the silver lining of his head like a crown of light. Flashing the boyish grin, he opened his wrestling toned-warm fins to my goose bumpy arms, and I swam along side tentatively. Even though it was my chime, I was unsteady, unwilling to climb on his back, so we swam on our toes, around my house, and the Plaza. We battled sharks from Beverly Hills, whose fins were frozen from love and kindness; we faced one of our own school, who would not lend a dollar on good faith and loyalty for their Merlot Cabernet fish oil, and we strung pearls around each other necks, with a clasp that is easily unhooked. The current drove us through three more days of rowing backward, sleeping quietly without intertwinement, and meeting as friends instead of lovers.
The absence of touch, struck like a lightning storm. I didnโ€™t see it coming, and I may be wrong. To read the Thinker is to understand his language; a circumcision of predictability, logic, or reasoning. Like a tsunami, uncharitable waves of enlightenment he doesnโ€™t even understand drown his soul.
I understood that he airbrushed my appearance, and dropped deep into my eyes as they widened for him. I blushed before he engulfed me, and pressed my undertow.
If tonight was the last swim because of a storm I didnโ€™t see coming, or understand. It is because my eyes blurred by his presence.
The tide goes out, but it always come back. Sometimes it touches where we left off.

PART TWO OF ADVENTURES IN LIVINGNESS


 

On shore the land felt liquefied and unfamiliar without the sensual spark swimming along side me.ย  The leaves glistened above my head, like golden gems you’d wear on a necklace. The Santa Fe river sang its song over rocks, branches and brush, while white butterflies and birds fluttered an awakening.ย  I passed cafes, watched couples and families luxuriating in the sunlight, Canyon road art hawkers snapped photos, gallery owners chatted on the courtyards.

20141021_150953_resizedThe stage of comfort as picturesque as a postcard.ย  I was outside the activity.ย  I rushed home, passing people who walked as if lost, and shoes stuck in tar.ย  Thoughts trotted like ponies all going in different directions. No path had an answer, or a reason, or an understanding of our endearment.ย 

The Thinker swims close by. Sometimes I feel him soaring past me, glancing for a moment, then he’s gone. The house is quiet, doors and shades closed. My nakedness is wrapped in blankets and the aroma of pumpkin spice from a candle.ย  My stage is empty, no audience ofย  any sort. These areย  the moments when examination of behavior, discipline, and self-honesty rise aboveย  the solitude.ย  A woman of lovers rather than husbands, beckons my heart to open to the odyssey ofย  love.

I appreciate all the new followers from the THE THINKER story. Thank you for

your comments and hope you return for more.ย 

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RUMINATING ON RELATIONSHIPS


Bob and Baez-JIM MARSHALL
Bob and Baez-JIM MARSHALL

 

Bob and Baez-JIM MARSHALL

He was going to keep me warm this winter. Toggle behind me in his overcoat and boots, makingย  sure I didnโ€™t slip on ice, or chop my hair when my anger meets my self destructiveness. He would plow the snow, keep the fire going, trim the roses that bloomed when we met, and hatch chilies in the kitchen. A boy, a man, and a girlfriend. Heโ€™s wrapped in primitive sensuality, gifted with athletic stamina, viscerally intelligent. There is the other side; a squadron of pointy fingers, family feuds, gossip, and the spark of emotional self-contentedness. He admits to it; and studies masters of consciousness every day. He strives for breath unscented, unencumbered childlike weightlessness. My star is dropping, the dream girl of adventures in livingness. Taking men in that hold impossible odds, the long shot that shoot you to the moon or dump you on a dirty bench.
I found someone once who held up all the right que cards; now we are best friends thirty years later. If
lovers are true friends than I donโ€™t lock them out when they stumble on the script. Relationships between men and woman are unsolvable allegory poems. I read them over and over and never understand the meaning if I hold on to the wound. If I let the abrasion heal, I am still in love with them.

SEASONAL BEHAVIOR & ROSH HASHANAH


The throw of the dice this week lands on adventures in contemplation. Before the day begins to intersect with my solitude, I sit at my desk in a pre-dawn crystal of clarity. Only the light from a candle shines on a journal of hand written notes. I walked outside to asses the damage of a devilish storm that ravished the night. Leaves dropped from trees and the street is slick with the residue of the storm. Autumn is rising from dormancy; she is painting the leaves pumpkin and cranberry, while impregnating the atmosphere with the perfume of seasonal change. The inversion seeps into my pores.
While shopping at Whole Foods last week, for my first stockpile of chicken tortilla soup, I noticed expressions of 20131003_160015[1]contemplation on faces. Not in the choice of their groceries, but a characteristic of preparation for winter. Pumpkins, firewood and potted mums have replaced the outdoor display of flower baskets and lavender.ย  The silence will blanket time beyond the hours of sleep. This is when contemplation is given the freedom to spread over my thoughts and feelings. September marks the disrobing of summer; as if the float of festivities,ย  parties, and outdoor markets were moved into storage.
Last week was the beginning of the new Year on the Jewish Calendar, Rosh Hashanah. Unlike New Years for the traditional American, is a time of contemplation and reckoning of ones faults. We are asked to examine our behavior and plant new seeds of integrity from within.
โ€œAnother popular practice of the holiday is Tashlikh (“casting off”). We walk to flowing water, such as a creek or river, on the afternoon of the first day and empty our pockets into the river, symbolically casting off our sins. Small pieces of bread are commonly put in the pocket to cast off. This practice is not discussed in the Bible, but is a long-standing custom.โ€ Excerpt from Wikipedia.
What I do is to take my emotional and physical wardrobe, and move it from the closet in my casita, to the upstairs storage closet. The skimpy and sexy finery are replaced with turtlenecks, leggings and wool. The emotional wardrobe, is pressed down to the fibers, so it can be studied. In this examination, the reflection of myself is not as important as it has been, the stubble of age has bitten me but not in a bitter way. It has burned down my childish selfishness, insistence of acknowledgment, intolerance of behavior unfamiliar to me, and detached me from the wayward choices made by our government. I used to work with the news turned on and the volume down.

This summer, beginning just after my adventure in Malibu with my friend Chantel, my grip on aloofness towards Santa Fe,ย  frustrations associated with publication, and narcissism dissipated. It is possible that one month in the company of Chantal, her vibrancy and generosity softened my reserve. In the last four months, Iโ€™ve at last given up tightening against the unmanageable forces that intersect with me, and meet the pleasures of humanity in nakedness. I stood in my doorway, shaded by trees and shrubbery, naked – simply to feel the sensation. In return for this placation of behavior, I was invited by my vacation rental guests into their gatherings and parties; a wedding couple and their twenty-five guests included me in their after party. We cajoled, roused, sang and danced until my neighbor, JD, shamed our festivity and ordered me to shut the party down. It was one-thirty in the morning. I wrapped my arm around his neck, and whispered, โ€˜Oh, you are so right; I will take care of it. Donโ€™t worry.โ€™ JD, a man with twenty- three civil complaints for noise ordinance disruption against the La Posada Resort across the street, replied โ€˜Well LouLou, if you donโ€™t, Iโ€™ll have to call the police.โ€™ I hugged him tighter, and said. โ€œOf course you will, and you have every right.โ€™ This is not the behavior that guided me last year. I returned to the party and made the announcement to the guests, who were by now leaning against the walls, drinking shots of whisky in bowls, and I said:
โ€˜ Party to dawn kids, but keep your voices down.โ€™ The lights went out at four-thirty in the morning. When I left the house, empty bottles, uneaten meals, flowers, shoes, and scarfs scattered everywhere. This disruption of my polished tidy home would have erupted me into a silent rage a year ago. After they checked-out, my new pal and assistant Marc, entered the house. Stepping over pillows, popcorn, sticky wood floors, and into a kitchen of stained counters and food crumbs; a counterfeit of my dear old hollering father shouted;ย  ‘ This is outrageous. Theyโ€™ll pay for this!’
โ€œ Stop. We were part of it. It was a wedding party. What did you expect?โ€

โ€œWhat the heck is that? Marc said pointing to a clump of food stuck to the wall.
โ€œ Looks like salsa and chips.โ€ I said with a sponge in my hand. By the time we reached the rooms upstairs, I too was chuckling. Two days later the houseย  converted from slipshod to spotless.
The spell of silence has now been broken. The sidewalk blowers stir the leaves, doors open, the clatter of buffet trays wheeling down the street from the kitchen at La Posada pushed by employees in white jackets, swipe greetings, and converse in Spanish. My birds are screeching for more seeds, and the candle is just about burned out. The unknown outcome of our state of affairs in government and society has padded me with extra elasticity, tolerance, and love. Maybe our collective kindness will intercede with the poisonous bitterness and vengeance that titillates through the news.

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COMPASSION RELIEVES THE SUFFERING


Woody Allen commented on depression in all his films; the one I remember most went something like this; โ€˜I get depressed if one person is suffering in Africa.โ€™

Remember those days; when all we had to concern ourselves with was:ย  Africa, a bit of Russia, and powerfully silent Cuba and China.ย  The Europeans loved us back then; we gave them something to laugh about.

I turn on the news intermittently during the day; and whatever activity had occupied me suddenly dissipated into bothersome dust.ย  Murder, beheadings, shootings, corruption, deception, fear and helplessness swept away the dust, and my consciousness wept.

Whether it is the unfathomable death of a woman who seemed immortal, the youngย  journalist beheaded on television,ย  the left and right parties swinging obscenities atย  each other,ย  all soliciting a reality show of our government. My choice of sorrows is mounting.

Today is a cabaret of: weather, activity, and excitement as Fiesta Week begins in Santa Fe.
The city will converge on the Plaza for the performing arts, parades, musical improvisations, dance and Northern New Mexicoย  chow. Policeman will be stationed alongside the booths to protect us.ย  They look grouchy and irritable; but in my experience, the friendliest cops Iโ€™ve ever met. Try talking to a cop in Los Angeles.20140823_134608

The butter on the tortilla ofย  Santa Fe, is that our community events, processions, and traditional religious enactments are safe havens forย  Spaniards,ย  Native Americans, the mixed,ย  the foreign and us Anglos. I can ask to be invited into any assemblage and chances are they will accept my presence.

The safety and careย  of people depends on all of us. If I recognize a stoned drunk stumbling; I should take his hand to shelter. If an old woman needs help crossing the street: I should lead her. Ifย  insults and arguments draw my attention; I should keep my eye on the situation. This is where my consciousness rises from dust and sorrow; to a strong wind of humanity.

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