NON-STOP TO LIVING


Today is the day to stop punishing myself and outlive what has aborted my adventures in livingness.

No longer incubate to avoid disappointment, irritations, chaos, uncertainty, and senseless fear. I’m not alone, and you’re not alone. Friends of marvelous careers and lifestyles admit the same. We remain at home, where comfort, familiarity, control, and sustainability are our foundation.

No longer! Debasing my flaws, failures, and finicky flashes, manage them like I’m preparing dinner. If the pasta isn’t fabulous, I don’t go into a fit of failure.

I no longer will have apprehension and anxiety when buyers arrive to tour my home. The great philosophers advised me on Facebook that anxiety never solves problems.

RELIC OF REBELLION


BEFORE I think about how to respond to a stranger, I feel them; the gestures, expressions, tone of voice, movement, conversation, mannerisms, and eyes. I acknowledge feelings first, then I think.

ISADORA DUNCAN

When I’m driving, I feel sprite or gloom. I feel a twirl of sensory perception from the drivers’ faces and witness the joyous reciprocal ink of friendship between shopkeepers, cops and dining customers, city workers, and service technicians trying to fix satellites and cables in a village with inconsistent infrastructure.

SOME of my principles are unsupported by experience, but more with GROWING UP WITH GANGSTERS training that I cannot erase.ย  ย My theme is unbalanced; I take the extreme path instead of the path with arrows.ย  It is why writing settles my sea-saw.ย  As I sit in my antique wooden chair looking out, feeling Saturday’s silence beneath a blanket of blue sky and radiant sunshine, a tiny thread of peace realigns a week of political profanity, war, and death, but they got Sinwar!ย  ย The sedate and quiet surroundings relieve my spinning head, and I just continue to sit and not fidget.ย ย 

I’VE observed the village people; some appear to drag their bodies rather than hotfoot. I wonder if all the global Google news has weighed us down.ย  Teens signal youth’s fascination with experience, newness, and expectation.The exchange of human voices as pedestrians walk along the street, I’ve noticed that New Yorkers speak in voluminous pitch. I can hear their voices from my bedroom on the third floor with closed windows. Humanity is our background symphony, along with the crows, lawnmowers, power saws, blowers, and racing cars. ย This street is part of my theme;ย  a juxtaposition of historic homes and modern toys. I am a 21st-century flapper clinging to the roar of independence, self-expression, and breaking the rules.ย  If we feel the chord of festivity,ย  we should not hold back.ย  I am going out now to see ifย  I can feel more.ย  ย 

Sunday October 20,ย 

I walked out to the porch and slouched against a pillar to feel warmed by the sun. My dermatologist advised that I should not stay longer than ten minutes, even with fifty UV protection. Today is family day and a car show in the village. I experienced it two years ago, so I remain at home; listening to the geese go south for the winter and feeling solitude. It’s like a branchless tree, a storm without an umbrella, a garden without flowers, and a home without company. Oh, snap out of it. Go to Henry’s Tavern and watch the game with men losing their cool. They get insanely raucous s over football.

WHY I ASK? AND THEN THE ANSWER.


Why can the leaves turn lemon, plum, and tangerine? Why does the sky allow storms to shake up its translucent surface? Why can nature reinvent momentarily with wind, rain, hurricanes, and earthquakes? Why can’t I change the colors of my mood? I get daily messages from an Instagram member named Asadโ€”inspiring, and he circulates around the themes of mood, attitude, loneliness, and inner strength. All of these have toppled my life since I can remember. I’m more taciturn than most people perceive. I can display a mannequin of poise and joy, but if you remove the surface, beneath is a conundrum of self-doubt, second-guessing, punishment, and fear. What’s even more destabilizing is I actually think I’m alone.

Last week, I observed the cashier’s facial expression and gestures at the Stop-& Go, which alerted me to her distress. I was buying a Cadbury chocolate bar after reading that chocolate is mood-changing, not just the hip-hop of energy; it can change your mood.

” I read that chocolate helps with depression, and these dreary dark days don’t help,” I admitted.

” Oh, I know. I used to be a registered nurse,” she said, facing me squarely into my eyes. I noticed a lot of cashiers don’t do that anymore.

” I suffer with anxiety and depression so I had to quit. I can mix up a Cadbury bar with a Snickers but not with medication.”

” I have the same as you, it’s changed my life as well. ” I looked at her name tag, without my glasses.

” You’re name is America? She laughed and her smile emerged.

“No, underneath, Dolores.”

” Thank you for listening to me,” I said

” Thank you, customers rarely acknowledge us.”

We don’t want pity or empathy; we all need recognition, and not in a text!

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE. HELENE


I’m angry. We can go to the moon, build cities, and predict weather, but why are we waiting now to rescue North Carolina, Florida, etc.?

The hurricane was reported days ago. I looked up the exact date but couldn’t find it. All federal resources should have been there before Helene took lives, animals, homes, streets, businesses, and infrastructure.

MOTHER’S


It is my mother’s birthday, so I am thinking of her. If she had been here today, we would have had this conversation.

Mom, I can’t hold up, I’m so beat down.”

” You have to. I know your situation is degrading and frightening, but you don’t have a choice. You have to use all your strength.”

” I wish I was more like you.”

” You are like me, and I know you will overcome.

After our home burned down in the Bel Air fire, my parent’s divorce was in motion. Dad moved to Hollywood, and Mom moved me to Westwood to a studio until she found work. Mom returned to modeling to support us.

    Leave a Comment

    Leave a Comment

    THINKING?


    ADVENTURES IN

    LIVINGNESS TODAY,

    SEPTEMBER 7, 2024

    Silhouette of sounds: a whispering wind, the freight train blowing the sounds of its coming, Neil Young music, and the flutter of thoughts that sometimes feel like sounds.

    The sky is building into a rainstorm, and watching its manifestation is dramaticโ€”nature in motion. Although there are tasks to be threaded, Iโ€™ve chosen to retire from pesky vacuuming, wood polishing, laundry, unpacking my winter clothes, and preparing for winter. The clothes are trivial to the transformation of light, outdoor porch lounging, and then the trees. When they turn naked as skinned cucumbers or buds without flowers, I think a visceral adaptation occurs in all of us.

    This week unfolded over Dad. The most honorable collector of Mafia artifacts bought some of fatherโ€™s collection. Years ago, I sold them to the Mob Experience for their Museum in Las Vegas (bankrupt), and the owner resold them to Julianโ€™s Estate Sales in Beverly Hills. I viewed the items for sale; imagine your phone book selling for sixteen hundred dollars and an album of photos taken by Dad’s doll in the thirties for, well, I forget the price. Anyway, Avi Bash of the Avi Bash Collection bought what was left. When he wrote to me, I felt immediate relief that he owned these moments Dad had kept all his life. He said,โ€ Let me know if you want to see photos or anything else.โ€ Heโ€™s a prince of a man. That was one slice of the week. When I checked my list today of my crossed-off tasks, it was not too impressive, but sometimes we canโ€™t produce. As I said, Iโ€™m adapting from sunshine and warmth to seasonal change.      

    Digitally, I fixed a few troublesome changes Microsoft made to my documents and feeds.

    Itโ€™s not me of years agoโ€”driven, disciplined, empowered, and confident. Maybe it is not worth thinking about, not for me. I think more than I act these days. Everything we do in life needs revision. We are never through evolving into more thoughtful, loving, or wise human beings. Every day, there is an opportunity to leap into a saintly hood. It is the same with manuscripts; they get better.

        The next adventure in livingness is one I have lived with all my life, moving. I would love to move, even to another part of town.

    The dismantling of things gives me a twisted alignment to my life. The beginning is again: unpacking boxes, meeting new neighbors, sunsets, and cafes. If I am ever to rest in one address, I’m sure it will be a headstone and a plot of dirt. I have chosen to relocate because of an internal destiny.

        These are the ones I know will happen with some certainty. The inner self concerns me and how it jumps from one dream to one nightmare. When I was thirty, I was afraid of getting married; when I was forty, I was scared of not having children. Now that I am seventy-one, I am fighting another fear: the fear of singleness. But Iโ€™ve always been a loner; it just didnโ€™t scare me when I was young.

    The Rain came, Dylan is singing, and Iโ€™m planning risotto pasta for the night.  

    I just finished another Denzel Washington film, Man on Fire. DW is my actor of the week, so I watch all his films. An alert popped up, another mass shooting, this time in Kentucky. I wanted to delete my last column.. It’s not what is breaking me apart; personal threads seem vacuous. What I’m escaping in writing and films are mass shootings and unbearable violence. It’s not one every few months; it’s every day. Yes, cure Cancer and all other physical diseases, BUT CONCENTRATE ON CRIME, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. MENTAL ILLNESS.

    FRIENDS of FOLLIES


    Saturday, a heavy clog of humidity tries to zap my energy. I slept six hours, so I fight, do laundry, do a bit of weight lifting, go up and down the twenty stairs twelve times, and wander in my mind. I answer the first phone call of the day.

    ” Hi, how are you? ?” I pause to answer with some amusing honesty.

    ” I’m cleaning my brain?

    ” How do you do that? You’re funny.”

    ” “I sweep away all the repetitive scary thoughts.”

    What about you? My friend sighed and then zigzagged into her struggles, taking care of her ninety-six-year-old mother, who does not speak English; my friend is Armenian. She works full-time as a court translator, has two children, a husband, and about fifty friends she continually connects to.

    You are four people in one. I don’t know how you do it?” Is your Mom still living with you?”

    Yes, she can’t walk. She sleeps in the living room because the bedrooms are upstairs. It’s difficult. I have to feed her as she’s now refusing to eat.”

    ” Please try and get a nurse’s aide to come in and help you.”

    “She won’t let anyone touch her but me.”

    “I find that selfish, not to be critical, but you will wear yourself down.”

    ” She’s always been like that; in my culture, you never abandon a parent, no matter what. Her mind is sharp, so that is good.

    ” Heaven isn’t good enough for you,” she chuckled. I often improvise to be amusing because her laughter is boisterous, and we all need more injections of humor.

    ” Have you decided where to move when it sells?” She asked again.

    ” Yes, I was looking at my book on Italy, all the different regions, and I think Anacapri is a good choice.”

    ” Oh, Greta… that is so expensive; what are you thinking?”

    “I’m not thinking I’m daydreaming.”

    ” I have an idea for you. There is a new trend, something like Boomermates, a group of people who share a house, and you don’t have to sign a lease. Go look in San Diego and find something.

    “Roommates, strangers, you mean?”

    “Yes, why not?”

    ” Would you do that?”

    ” Probably not. A studio anywhere in San Diego is two thousand at least, and don’t use the proceeds from the house.

    “Now you’re daydreaming. I’ll have to use some without the rental income until I find employment. Are you home now?”

    “No, I’m driving to San Diego for a court appointment

    “It’s what, six in the morning?

    “Yes, I wake up at five.”

    ” Every time I come here, I think of you. You were a great leasing agent. You leased about fifty of my units. You can get a job leasing in a nice project. Oh, you should have bought that unit. I remember G4 when we converted to condominiums.

    “Yes, you’ve told me that a hundred times.”

    ” I made the same mistake. What can you do?”

    ” Complain and then accept what you can’t accept. Like selling my home.” I went through my steamer trunk and found my marketing portfolio when I opened Follies as an artist retreat. It was nonstop theatrics. One time, I hosted a theater group of six young actors; they were so much fun. Ah, memories.

    ” You will make it; look what you accomplished, winning a foreclosure, Greta; that is something big.”

    ” So is my glass of wine.”

    “I’d be doing the same in your situation.”

    ” Another showing, a really nice family. They’ll make an offer. They commented that the exterior paint is their issue, so did I tell you already? I found a marvelous painter from Albania, and he’s given me a very reasonable price to paint the entrance, balisters, and overhang. You know that curb appeal is critical.”

    ” You shouldn’t spend your money, Greta, how much?”

    ” Three thousand, and it’s a lot of scraping and ladder work. It’s the right decision if I may disagree with my real estate guru.”

    ” That is reasonable. Keep me posted. I’m in San Diego now, so I will speak to you soon.”

    ” Heaven isn’t good enough for you.” And I’m leaving Follies in the best I can because she was so good to me.

    RELOCATION BEGINS WITH BOOKS


    May 22, 2024

    I read some older columns on singleness from times when I was alone and still friends with Dodger. Now, the pattern is unthreaded. There is no intertwinement of intimate conversations with a man, guidance, indulgences, or frolicking like children. When I see couples dining or walking hand in hand in the village, the vision snaps me into memories. The past lurks like a shadow, an overture to the present. Stream of consciousness, that translucence of mind that can drift like a leaf in the wind, is out of reach, so I donโ€™t even attempt to reach for it. Acceptance of this interlude is permitted, as my mind is impregnated with a new canvas: relocation, standing in lines, driving the freeways, a city life that was once as natural to me as breathing feels like a complete revival. Employment, straightening my team playing skill set, working on deadlines, and finding excuses to get out of my chair away from the computer. Working in an art gallery is the only option besides being a remote writer.  

    Today, as I attempt to make strategic, methodical decisions and edit my resume, the yellow line appears that separates the present from the future. Can I navigate a city confidentially, decisively, and with discipline? In the village, those skills sleepwalk effortlessly. I have a punishing skill for avoiding reality.

    I have packed most of my books, vacillated on their importance several times to eliminate the load. I chose ten to give away, Last night on the phone with Jerry, I mentioned parting with my books.

    โ€œ Why are you keeping them? I assume youโ€™ve read them.โ€

    ” No, I have a lot of photography books I’ haven’t opened once.

    โ€œ So,  keep those.

    ” I want all my favorite authors, some read, some not. I can’t let them go.– Don’t laugh, but they are my friends, in an abstract way, of course,” Jerry chuckled.

    This morning, I kneeled and took another serious examination; no remains the answer. I’ve sold some of my favorite furnishings and artwork, so I made the strategic decision that my books are for keeps.

    63 E High St – Dropbox


    My Favorite home must be sold. After twenty-four years, Letting go is going slow, packing, and viewing my possessions and antiques. Today, I found a matchbook in perfect condition from the Stork Club, playbills, and musical sheets. I wish I hadn’t opened my steamer trunk; it’s like looking at another woman.

    SATISFYING PRINT ON AL SMILEY AT LAST: IN JEWISH POST & NEWS


    April 6, 2015

    Former Winnipegger Al Smiley had a close association with โ€œBugsyโ€ Siegel

    ย 

    ย 

    Al Smiley

    By MARTIN ZEILIG
    On the evening of June 20, 1947, less than six months after he opened the Flamingo Hotel-Casino in Las Vegas, Ben โ€œBugsyโ€ Siegel died in a barrage of bullets through the front windows while sitting on a couch in his Beverly Hills mansion at 810 Linden Drive. Assassinated at the age of 41, Siegel was one of the USAโ€™s most notorious gangsters.
    A former Winnipegger, Al Smiley (1907-1984) was with Siegel that evening.
    โ€œMy dad was seated inches away from Siegel, on the sofa, and took three bullets through the sleeve of his jacket,โ€ said Luellen Smiley, a creative non-fiction writer, award-winning newspaper columnist, and Mob historian who lives in Sante Fe, New Mexico.
    She consented to an interview with The Jewish Post & News earlier this winter.
    โ€œHe was brought in as a suspect. His photograph was in all the newspapers,โ€ said Luellen.
    โ€œHe was the only nonfamily member who had the guts to go to the funeral.โ€
    So who was Al Smiley?
    Born in Kiev, Ukraine in 1907 as Aaron Smehoff, Smiley and his family โ€“ father Hyman, mother Anne, sister Gertrude (who became a school teacher and lived in Winnipeg until her death many decades later), brothers Samuel and Benjamin โ€“ immigrated to Winnipeg when he was five, said Luellen Smiley, during a recent telephone interview with this reporter from her home in Sante Fe, New Mexico.
    โ€œMy grandfather was a kosher butcher and delicatessen owner,โ€ she continued, noting that the family home and butcher shop was located at 347 Aberdeen Avenue.
    โ€œHe maintained an Orthodox household and expected that his eldest son would become a rabbi. But, my father was rebellious and interested in sports, especially hockey.โ€
    This caused conflict between the willful youth and his rigid, religious father.
    So, the teenager fled Winnipeg for greener pastures in Detroit, Michigan via Windsor, Ontario in 1923.
    He got a job travelling with the Ringling Brothers Circus and ended up in California where he was arrested for a drugstore robbery in San Francisco and sent to Preston Reformatory School in Ione, California, Luellen noted.
    โ€œIt was there that he met legendary movie director Cecil B. DeMille,โ€ she said.
    โ€œHe was doing some sort of research for a movie. My father asked him for a job in the movie industry upon his release, and DeMille agreed. He found my dad work in a wardrobe department.
    He later became a property man, then a grip, the person in charge of production on a set, and eventually a producer.โ€
    He befriended celebrities like George Raft, Eddie Cantor, Clark Gable, Lauren Bacall, along with such gangster associates as Ben Siegel.
    โ€œIโ€™m pretty sure Dad met Ben through George Raft,โ€ Luellen Smiley speculated.
    With Siegelโ€™s help he opened a nightclub in L.A. sometime in the late 1930s.
    Smiley would later tell his daughter that Siegel was โ€œthe best friend I ever had.โ€
    In her soon-to-published memoir, excerpts of which she agreed to let this newspaper print, Luellen Smiley reveals the conflicted feelings she had growing up, and into later life too, about her father:
    โ€œSome children are silenced. The pretense is protection against people and events more powerful than them. As the daughter of Allen Smiley, associate and friend to Benjamin โ€˜Bugsyโ€™ Siegel, I was raised in a family of secrets.
    โ€œMy father is not a household name like Siegel, partly because he wore a disguise, a veneer of respectability that fooled most. It did not fool the government.
    โ€œWhen I was exposed to the truth by way of a book, I kept the secret, too. I was 13. My parents divorced, and five years later, my mother died. In 1966, I went to live with my father in Hollywood. I was forbidden to talk about our life: โ€˜Donโ€™t discuss our family business with anyone, and listen very carefully to what I say from now on!โ€™ But one night, he asked me to come into his room and he told me the story of the night Ben was murdered.
    โ€œWhen I was spared death, I made a vow to do everything in my power to reform, so that I could one day marry your mother.
    โ€œBen was the best friend I ever had. Youโ€™re going to hear a lot of things about him in your life. Just remember what I am telling you; heโ€™d take a bullet for a friend.
    โ€œAfter my father died, I remained silent, to avoid shame, embarrassment and questions. But 10 years later, in 1994, when I turned 40, I cracked the silence. I read every book in print โ€“ and out of print โ€“ about the Mafia. Allen Smiley was in dozens. He was a Russian Jew, a criminal, Bugsyโ€™s right-hand man, a dope peddler, pimp, a racetrack tout. I held close the memory of a benevolent father, wise counselor, and a man who worshipped me.
    โ€œI made a Freedom of Information Act request and obtained his government files. The Immigration and Naturalization Service claimed he was one of the most dangerous criminals in the country. They said he was Benjamin Siegelโ€™s assistant. They said he was poised to take over the rackets in Los Angeles. He didnโ€™t; he sold out his interest in the Flamingo, and he went to Houston to strike oil. I put the file away, and looked into the window of truth. How much more could I bear to hear?
    โ€œHe stowed away to America at 16, and was eventually doggedly pursued for never having registered as an alien. He had multiple arrests โ€“ including one for bookmaking in 1944, and another for slicing off part of the actor John Hallโ€™s nose in a fracas at Tommy Dorseyโ€™s apartment. He met my mother, Lucille Casey, at the Copacabana nightclub in 1943. She was onstage, dancing for $75 a week, and my father was in the audience, seated with Copa owner and mob boss Frank Costello.
    โ€œโ€˜I took one look, and I knew it was her,โ€™ was all he had told me on many occasions.
    โ€œOn a trip to the Museum of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences in Los Angeles, I was handed a large perfectly pristine manila envelope, and a pair of latex gloves with which to handle the file. Inside were black and white glossy MGM studio photographs, press releases, and biographies of my motherโ€™s career in film, including roles in โ€˜The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,โ€™ โ€˜Ziegfeld Follies of 1946,โ€™ โ€˜Meet Me in St. Louisโ€™ and โ€˜Harvey Girls.โ€™ She was written up in the columns, where later my father was identified as a โ€˜sportsman.โ€™ The woman who pressed my clothes, washed my hair, and made my tuna sandwiches was an actress dancing in Judy Garland musicals, while her own life was draped with film noir drama.
    โ€œMy father wooed her, and after an MGM producer gave her an audition, he helped arrange for her and her family to move to Beverly Hills, where she had steady film work for five years. He was busy helping Siegel expand the Western Front of the Costello crime family and opening the Flamingo casino in Las Vegas. They were engaged in 1946.
    โ€œStill, the blank pages of my motherโ€™s life did not begin to fill in until I met R.J. Gray. He found me through my newspaper column, โ€˜Smileyโ€™s Dice.โ€™
    โ€œOne day last year, R.J. sent me a book, โ€˜Images of America: The Copacabana,โ€™ by Kristin Baggelaar. There was my mother, captioned a โ€˜Copa-beauty.โ€™ Kristin organized a Copa reunion in New York last September. I went in place of my mother, but all day I felt as if she was seated next to me. I fell asleep that night staring out the hotel window, feeling a part of Manhattan history.
    โ€œNow, the silence is over. I donโ€™t hesitate to answer questions about my family. I have photographs of Ben Siegel in my home in Santa Fe, NM, just as my father did. Every few months I get e-mails from distant friends, or people who knew my dad.
    โ€œIt seems there is no end to the stories surrounding Ben and Al. I am not looking for closure. Iโ€™ve become too attached to the story. To me, he was a benevolent father, a wise counselor, and a man who worshipped me.โ€
    Luellen Smiley can be contacted via email: folliesls@aol.com

    Add comment

    Name (required)

    E-mail (required, but will not display)

    Website

    Title (required)

    ย 

    Notify me of follow-up comments

    ย 
    ย 
    ย 
    Category: Features
    ย 
    ย 

    https://wordpress.com/post/odysseyofadventures.com/11523

    FATHER’S DAY


    HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL MY FATHERLY READERS, FRIENDS AND THE ONES RESTING IN PEACE… OR GAMBLING.

    UNTOLD READS.COM, THANK YOU!