LONERS


I’m better as a writer than I am a person. Though my syntax is follies;

with backward sentences and too many metaphors. The writing isn’t usually

selfish or timid.ย  In a crowd I need applause before I feel accepted.ย  One on one

my behavior swings from suspicion to doubt and it takes more than a few pages

to break the boundary. I don’t why I thought it would be different now; I’ve always been a loner.

Now I’m listening to the cry but I ain’t crying!The Timid EP

when THEY Leave


Cropped screenshot of James Cagney from the tr...
Cropped screenshot of James Cagney from the trailer for the film Love Me or Leave Me (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I do remember what they gave me. THE MEN always bring something you didn’t have before. LOVE THEM

BOSTON BOMBS BACK


IMAGINE, if you were in Boston
On the day of the flare
and it fired your daughter
and you dived in the dare
Hell rises
and heaven opens
the souls are not lost
they are moments to bare
BOSTON, is the angel
that brought the fire to lair.

THE LEGEND LADY OF PALACE AVE


0124130930

The throw of the dice this week lands on adventures in livingness; one day at a time. People with terminal illness, suffering from a shattered romance, a death of a friend, a natural disaster, always say the same thing; One day at a time.

Walking up Palace Avenue on a day spread with sunlight, and a continuum of power walkers, bikers and runners, passing by in whiffs of urgency, I took my time. I didnโ€™t feel like flexing, just evaporating into the shadows, and the moving clouds. I walked by a little adobe, that once was a dump site for empty bottles, cartons, worn out furniture, and piles of wood. A year later, the yard is almost condominium clean. Just as I was passing the driveway, the little woman whom Iโ€™d seen walking up Palace with her bag of groceries, appeared like a gust of history in the driveway of her adobe casita. She wore her heavy blanket like coat and a bandanna on her head. Regardless of weather, sheโ€™s bundled up in the same woven Indian coat and long wool skirt. I stood next to her, a foot or so taller, and she unraveled history, without my prompting. She told me about the Martinez family, the Montoyas, and the Abeytas, all families she knew, all with streets named after them. Estelle asked me my name, and then took my hand in her weathered unyielding grip, โ€˜Oh I had an Aunt named Lucero, and we called her LouLou.โ€™ She didnโ€™t let go of my hand, and then she told me that the families, some names Iโ€™ve forgotten, bought homes on Palace in 1988 for $50,000, She shook her finger to demonstrate her point. โ€˜You know how many houses the Garcias bought? Five! Then they fixed them up and sold them.โ€™

I could have stood there in the gravel driveway listening to Estelle all afternoon. She owns the oral history I love to record; but it is difficult to understand her, she talks with the speed of a southwest wind. We parted and I thought about the times in my life when the smallest of interactions elevates my spirit. In older people, who are not addicted to gadgets and distant intimacy, I’m reminded of how speed socializing has diminished the opportunity for a sidewalk chat.

ย 

JOCK WEAR NIKES TOO


PLEASANTRIES OF YOUR LIFE


PLEASANTRIES OF YOUR LIFE.

PLEA FOR CLOTHES – NEWARK


Official seal of City of Newark
Official seal of City of Newark (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I sent out a box of sweaters and jeans. It cost less than $10.00 priority. I then stopped by Ooh La La
consignment, and commented she would have gotten more from me, but they went to the Hurricane Relief.
” Where can I send clothes? I’ve got a ton.” She said. So I will pass on the address I have posted.
On the way home it struck me that thousands of families will go without Thanksgiving this year.
Newark is part of my roots, my mother being born there, and my roots are hurting for all of those people.

WHY I LOVE MEN


Why I love men Partย  3

I think of men as the solid substance in my life; the ones Iโ€™ve loved have always

Little Dreamer (Negazione album)

acted as guidance counselors to my wavering fluid steps through the maze of decisions. If youโ€™re a dreamer like I am, you know what I am talking about. We live in a blurred world of reality and what we imagine and the lines are blurry.ย  Itโ€™s easy to cross-over to imagination and where that leads us can be more dangerous than the actual occurrence of events.

WHY I LOVE MEN


Once again after a lengthy and gushing nourishment of his body and mind, I return to this mask of myself. Sunken eyes and droopy cheeks; a hollowness that overwhelms the spirit.

The insomnia of separation from a manโ€™s thunder.ย  When his shoulder hooks my head, and tweaks my worries like soft bread. The mind that directs me when I am driving directionless, and maps my journey, and to walk beside me, a guardian of my fragility. The voice that encourages me, and applauds my success, rather than let it drip from jealously or preoccupation.

More to come.

How the laughter erupts in a moment of spontaneous passion.

My observation of his secret revealed, unknowingly.

The gestures of him shaving, and the modest vanity after I re-wardrobe him.

Feeling his eyes in a crowd, undressing or admiring me, for some folly orย  expression.

The humor he finds in my misguided attempts to open bottles, and packages with a dull spoon,

and figure out electronics.

How he will pardon and pamper my unwarranted fears of stalkers, misplacing my Progressive Prada glasses,ย  and falling down the slippery wooden stairs.

The man whose balance evens my wrinkles.

Let’s the light into my eyes.

Opens my shell with wonder and tenderness.

WHY I write this is because the danger of reversing the purest form of love is tempting me. This dragon argues with me for dressing up, for believing in love, for wanting romance, for giving the guy next to me a chance, andย  for dating.ย  She tries to stop me from waving at neighbors, for whistling winds of change, hope, and all those iridescent rainbows I lived with my man, and now are like submarine weights to lift each day.

Itโ€™s like taking down the Christmas Ornaments, and returning to the blemishes of winter.

Yes, the dragon sees me in the mirror, and maybe you, but we cannot allow her to trample over our feminine skin.

 

DEATH, PLUMBING AND LOVERS


Part Two

WEEKS BEFORE RUDYโ€™S, insultingly witty and honest mother passed away, she looked at me over the rim of a Lemon Drop at the Ripe Tomato in San Juan Capistranoย ย ย ย ย  her unfading brown eyes acutely aimed at me.ย ย 

ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  โ€œYouโ€™re too emotionalย ย ย ย ; itโ€™s going to be your ruin.โ€ย 

ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  โ€œItโ€™s passion Harriett, and part of my character.โ€

ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  ย ย  โ€œIt will do you no good. You have to listen to me.ย  Iโ€™m 97!โ€

Harriett learned early on how to wear pearls and refuse pointless suffering.ย 

I write this after a wakened sense of transformation.ย  I didnโ€™t have to go far, or pay any moneyย  for this mud bath.ย  It was after reading an email from my former almost engaged ย to man.( me never!) and the concentrate ย of my last standing hope for truth between us was treated as a formality.

ย So my emotions have been replaced with a cooler temper for both love and sensitivity.ย ย  Thatโ€™s okay, theย  real danger is in developing into a cynic;ย  tossing out jazzy lines about, how a man can destroy your life, and all of that.ย  Thereโ€™s a Middle Aged group of womenย  โ€œmen suffragesโ€™โ€™, that live in Santa Fe. Sometimes I see myself in that group, chanting, doing yoga, going to lectures, out to lunch.

What percolated this epiphany?ย  Iโ€™ve never been emotionally damaged by a man.ย  There have been ย sorrowful break-ups, but when we split up, all eight of the men became close friends over the years.

My gal posse offer advise; light a match to his love letters, treat yourself to all therelaxation rituals, and spa treatments, take a trip to visit them and indulge in friendship, and joining Match.com. ย You see, everyone knows your voice, and even if your thousands of miles away, friends can hear despair.

ย Itโ€™s all very similar to โ€œA Book of Common Prayerย ย .โ€ Witty Joan Didionย ย , the ways she says, something I am paraphrasing,ย  โ€œIโ€™m not calling ย at a bad time am I Charlotte? Youโ€™re not in the middle of a nervous breakdown or anything? โ€œ

I wonder if you lie to yourself it gives you an edge on how to lieย  without ย conscience. ย Seems to be in vogue or something.ย  That is the fault-line innocence and adulthood. Once you cross that line you know it.ย  Iโ€™ve always been told I was a late bloomer in everything!

ย Iโ€™m on my way out the door; I rented the house for twelve days.ย ย  The big white Suburban just drove up. A wide shouldered, grinning forty something just got out of the car.ย ย  I see a woman, then the two teenagers, and a dog! They didnโ€™t tell me about the dog, but itโ€™s a little limply Cocker Spaniel, so I wave, ย 

ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  โ€œHi, come in Iโ€™ll show you around.โ€ย 

ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  ย ย ย ย To be continued. Hariett and I pictured in 2004 at a San Diego Opera Gala.

CESAER’S SALAD


I moved in with my Dad when I was thirteen years old.ย  My mother had just passed away, and I arrived with innocence and untrained cooking skills.ย  Mom was an Irish Catholic meatloaf and corn-beef cook. ย Dad was a Russian Orthodox raisedย  moderate vegetarian, and decided to hire a chef to teach me how to cook.

I came home from school one day, and found Caesar ย in the kitchen. He was a stand-in for Paulie in the Godfather, only he had curly black hair, and apple red cheeks.ย  Caesar was dressed in a black suit, white shirt, and an apron that fell short of fitting him.ย  Dad instructed Cesar to teach me how to make salads, baked fish, and spaghetti with oil and garlic. Everyday after school, Caesar was in the kitchen preparing dinner for us, and I ย stood beside him, observing his chubby knuckled fingers, slice and chop vegetables. We started with what Dad ordered; a meal in a salad, and later coined it Farmer’s Chop Suey. The salad was not just prepared, it was a decorated masterpiece when he finished. During the preparation, I noticed beads of sweat on Caesarโ€™s face, and a jittery nervousness, surfaced just before my father arrived home, โ€œWhat do you think?ย  Will Dad approve?โ€ย  He asked. I assured him Dad would love the salad.ย ย ย  Cesar and I became pals, and waited anxiously for Dadโ€™s arrival.ย  He wasnโ€™t all that agreeable. Fastidiousness and perfection are common traits amongst gangsters.ย  Usually, Dad remarked there wasnโ€™t enough garlic, or there were too many croutons, and Caesar would swiftly correct the complaint.

After Cesar went home, ย Dad would talk to me about food, and how everything starts in the stomach, and how the vegetables have to be scrubbed, and the seeds removed.ย  Three or four times a week Dad dined out, and he didn’t order salads.ย  He frequented Italian restaurants, and his favorite was Bouillabaisse, with a side of pasta.ย  I never saw him enjoy any food as much as Borsch with sour cream, and smoked white fish. That was his favorite childhood meal. Hisย  father was a Orthodoxย  Butcher, a very scared skill that requires a thoroughย  understanding of Kosher preparation.

About six months had passed, and I came home one day and Cesar wasnโ€™t there.ย  Instead I found my father in a rage. I asked about Cesar and he told me it was none of my business, and to start preparing dinner.ย  After my first salad preparation, Dad applauded my presentation, and assured me everything he was teaching me would serve me later on in life. He explained he had to beย  harsh and demanding, ย because he wanted me to be able to take care of myself properly.

I developed into a moderate vegetarian and have used that salad as a blueprint for most of my meals. Now I create a variety of salads, and a lot more ingredients:ย  like white beans,ย  garbanzos, walnuts, tuna, or shrimp,ย  artichokes, sun-dried tomatoes etc.ย ย  My friends call me a free-style cookย  because I only use recipes when Iโ€™m making soups or stews.

I was very fortunate to grow up with a father who spent hours teaching me what I would need to know in life.ย  This is something you won’t read or see in a film about growing up with gangsters.

LA POSADA is LA FAMILIA


LA POSADA is LA FAMILIA.