Thoughtful Reflections and Autumn Leaves: An Upstate New York Story


The leaves, I noticed when I drove out of the driveway a wispy wind and a few leaves blew past my windshield. I don’t think they want to die or hibernate; I don’t want to hibernate; that’s what you do if you are in upstate New York. Even this summer, the porches are empty, and the owners only come out to garden or empty trash. I’m the only one who sits on the wrap-around porch, head perched up to the sky to see what drama she’ll bring.

Where did we go this summer? Where did you go or do? One friend went to Croatia, another to Finland, and another to Sonoma. I prefer to travel in September, with my crowd cowardice and fear of flying; I’m waiting. Of course, I cannot leave because I am showing the house to prospective buyers. They are all very similar, rave and applause for the house, and their offer is two lines above insulting. Or maybe I am still in my delusional dream that Follies House is worth what I priced her. It is a voyage into the Twilight Zone; I see one house, and they see another.

Back to the leaves, the fall’s language, movements, and tasks will turn inside out. Soon, the blowers and street cleaners move all those beautifully colored leaves. I leave mine out until my gardener orders me, sweetly, LouLou, it’s time for fall clean up, or you won’t have grass next summer.” I won’t be here next summer, but I don’t say that because we’ve become pals, and he likes to manicure my lawns; I always greet him and George, his helper, and listen to their grievances.

Beyond the seasonal altercation, like a dress that needs hemming, emotions stop boiling over and seem to simmer. I am still determining where that originates, but I experience it every year as September approaches. Autumn is about awe. I read that somewhere. We slip into the interior chambers of thoughtful reflection, crunching the leaves of our souls for answers to questions.

I called my pal Jerry because it had been a few weeks since I had spoken to him. We have been friends for many years, but we have absolutely nothing in common. He’s famous for his photographs and films, that’s all I can say. I didn’t ask for his approval as I write this.

” Hello,” He sounded drowsy.

” Jerry! Did I wake you?”

” Yes.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll call tomorrow.”

What for I’m awake now. I take naps because I can’t sleep through the night; I close my eyes, think for maybe an hour, fall asleep, and wake again five times in the night. What’s happening with you?”

” You are cerebral, so turning off your head would take a bulldozer or something.

“That’s a little drastic.”What’s happening with the house?”

” Showings, repairs, and a few offers that were insulting. I have a question.”

“Oh no.”

“What do you do when you don’t know what to do>”

“I call my attorney.”

” For life questions?”

” I don’t have any more questions at ninety-six.”

” That sounds peaceful.”

, We sidetracked an upcoming appointment with his doctor about sleep medication.” It’s tomorrow, I don’t feel like going,

” So don’t go. I had an appointment this week for a mammogram. That morning, I woke up trembling, panicked, wobbly, and so I called and canceled. When I told the representative I was having a severe panic attack, she laughed and said, I hear that all the time.

“What’s the mammogram, is that for breast cancer?

” Yes.”

” What do they do?

Oh, it’s weird. The nurse takes hold of your breasts, places them between two clamps, and then tells you not to breathe or move while they take an X-ray.

“What if your breasts are too small?”

“Ah hah, mine used to be, so they’d tug at them, and it was more painful than the clamps. When I turned seventy-one this year, suddenly they inflated, and I can fill my B cup to the rim.” He was laughing, imagining he had some visual, and that was good. We have better dreams when we sleep with pillow joy.

“I’m going to go to sleep now>”

” I hope you do. I’ll think of more breast stories tomorrow.

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    I can picture this conversation. Well done. XO

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FRIENDS of FOLLIES


Saturday, a heavy clog of humidity tries to zap my energy. I slept six hours, so I fight, do laundry, do a bit of weight lifting, go up and down the twenty stairs twelve times, and wander in my mind. I answer the first phone call of the day.

” Hi, how are you? ?” I pause to answer with some amusing honesty.

” I’m cleaning my brain?

” How do you do that? You’re funny.”

” “I sweep away all the repetitive scary thoughts.”

What about you? My friend sighed and then zigzagged into her struggles, taking care of her ninety-six-year-old mother, who does not speak English; my friend is Armenian. She works full-time as a court translator, has two children, a husband, and about fifty friends she continually connects to.

You are four people in one. I don’t know how you do it?” Is your Mom still living with you?”

Yes, she can’t walk. She sleeps in the living room because the bedrooms are upstairs. It’s difficult. I have to feed her as she’s now refusing to eat.”

” Please try and get a nurse’s aide to come in and help you.”

“She won’t let anyone touch her but me.”

“I find that selfish, not to be critical, but you will wear yourself down.”

” She’s always been like that; in my culture, you never abandon a parent, no matter what. Her mind is sharp, so that is good.

” Heaven isn’t good enough for you,” she chuckled. I often improvise to be amusing because her laughter is boisterous, and we all need more injections of humor.

” Have you decided where to move when it sells?” She asked again.

” Yes, I was looking at my book on Italy, all the different regions, and I think Anacapri is a good choice.”

” Oh, Greta… that is so expensive; what are you thinking?”

“I’m not thinking I’m daydreaming.”

” I have an idea for you. There is a new trend, something like Boomermates, a group of people who share a house, and you don’t have to sign a lease. Go look in San Diego and find something.

“Roommates, strangers, you mean?”

“Yes, why not?”

” Would you do that?”

” Probably not. A studio anywhere in San Diego is two thousand at least, and don’t use the proceeds from the house.

“Now you’re daydreaming. I’ll have to use some without the rental income until I find employment. Are you home now?”

“No, I’m driving to San Diego for a court appointment

“It’s what, six in the morning?

“Yes, I wake up at five.”

” Every time I come here, I think of you. You were a great leasing agent. You leased about fifty of my units. You can get a job leasing in a nice project. Oh, you should have bought that unit. I remember G4 when we converted to condominiums.

“Yes, you’ve told me that a hundred times.”

” I made the same mistake. What can you do?”

” Complain and then accept what you can’t accept. Like selling my home.” I went through my steamer trunk and found my marketing portfolio when I opened Follies as an artist retreat. It was nonstop theatrics. One time, I hosted a theater group of six young actors; they were so much fun. Ah, memories.

” You will make it; look what you accomplished, winning a foreclosure, Greta; that is something big.”

” So is my glass of wine.”

“I’d be doing the same in your situation.”

” Another showing, a really nice family. They’ll make an offer. They commented that the exterior paint is their issue, so did I tell you already? I found a marvelous painter from Albania, and he’s given me a very reasonable price to paint the entrance, balisters, and overhang. You know that curb appeal is critical.”

” You shouldn’t spend your money, Greta, how much?”

” Three thousand, and it’s a lot of scraping and ladder work. It’s the right decision if I may disagree with my real estate guru.”

” That is reasonable. Keep me posted. I’m in San Diego now, so I will speak to you soon.”

” Heaven isn’t good enough for you.” And I’m leaving Follies in the best I can because she was so good to me.

PETER GABRIEL’S YOU’VE GOT FRIENDS


https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo…

MAURICE ROBERTS IS THE KIND OF FRIEND

THAT TEACHES YOU WHAT YOU DIDN’T THINK

YOU NEEDED UNTIL THEY PASSED AWAY. DEL

MAR, CA. 2013

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RELOCATION BEGINS WITH BOOKS


May 22, 2024

I read some older columns on singleness from times when I was alone and still friends with Dodger. Now, the pattern is unthreaded. There is no intertwinement of intimate conversations with a man, guidance, indulgences, or frolicking like children. When I see couples dining or walking hand in hand in the village, the vision snaps me into memories. The past lurks like a shadow, an overture to the present. Stream of consciousness, that translucence of mind that can drift like a leaf in the wind, is out of reach, so I donโ€™t even attempt to reach for it. Acceptance of this interlude is permitted, as my mind is impregnated with a new canvas: relocation, standing in lines, driving the freeways, a city life that was once as natural to me as breathing feels like a complete revival. Employment, straightening my team playing skill set, working on deadlines, and finding excuses to get out of my chair away from the computer. Working in an art gallery is the only option besides being a remote writer.  

Today, as I attempt to make strategic, methodical decisions and edit my resume, the yellow line appears that separates the present from the future. Can I navigate a city confidentially, decisively, and with discipline? In the village, those skills sleepwalk effortlessly. I have a punishing skill for avoiding reality.

I have packed most of my books, vacillated on their importance several times to eliminate the load. I chose ten to give away, Last night on the phone with Jerry, I mentioned parting with my books.

โ€œ Why are you keeping them? I assume youโ€™ve read them.โ€

” No, I have a lot of photography books I’ haven’t opened once.

โ€œ So,  keep those.

” I want all my favorite authors, some read, some not. I can’t let them go.– Don’t laugh, but they are my friends, in an abstract way, of course,” Jerry chuckled.

This morning, I kneeled and took another serious examination; no remains the answer. I’ve sold some of my favorite furnishings and artwork, so I made the strategic decision that my books are for keeps.

63 E High St – Dropbox


My Favorite home must be sold. After twenty-four years, Letting go is going slow, packing, and viewing my possessions and antiques. Today, I found a matchbook in perfect condition from the Stork Club, playbills, and musical sheets. I wish I hadn’t opened my steamer trunk; it’s like looking at another woman.

FATHER’S DAY


HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL MY FATHERLY READERS, FRIENDS AND THE ONES RESTING IN PEACE… OR GAMBLING.

JOCKEYS & SARATOGA SPRINGS NEW YORK RACE TRACK


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     After several summers in Saratoga Springs, I discovered I loved thoroughbred horseracing. All my life Iโ€™ve been a performing arts spectator. I never watched any sports on television and only attended baseball games when my father needed a companion. The art of performance led me to experience the racetrack as live theater.

     The racetrack is a stage, the jockeys are the actors, and the men and women that fill the bleachers, the picnic grounds, the Turf Club, and the private boxes are the audience. The racehorse is the star celebrity.

     The tickets for admission, like any show, are based on your seating. You can walk through the gates for $3.00 or buy a box for $100,000 a year. The collage of human emotions, drama, suspense, and danger are key components to good theater.

     Gambling personifies the Shakespearean twist of the racetrack. High rollers and drugstore cowboys wager to win. Some men walk out with a grocery cart of recycled cans; some walk out with enough money to buy a racehorse. They leave by the same gate, and the next day, they return for more. But why, I ask, is thoroughbred racing not considered an all-around American sport? Why donโ€™t jockeys get athletic respect? These two spheres of lightning truth struck me while I trampled through the mud one rainy August day at Saratoga Racetrack.

I asked around for opinions. The Governorโ€™s bodyguard remarked that it was a good question. He did not think gambling was the reason because people always bet on sports. He thought maybe that it was because, as kids, we donโ€™t learn to race horses, like baseball and football. The public is naรฏve about jockeys because they have never raced. Another answer I heard was that 200,000 fans fill a ballgame on any given day and that those numbers donโ€™t compare with horseracing.

     Iโ€™m not a gambler,  and I donโ€™t ride very well, but I am a drama whore. I took my notebook to the jocksโ€™ room to ask the jockeys what they thought about this irregularity in sports. Jose Santos had a few minutes to spare.

     โ€œJose, do you feel like America thinks of you as an athlete?โ€

     โ€œWe donโ€™t get the respect that we should. I think itโ€™s the gambling. This is the greatest racetrack in America, and there is gambling in every sport, but when you come to the track, you see it right there, and people cannot avoid it. Pound for pound, we are more fit than most athletes.โ€

     I asked Jose what he does aside from riding. He jogs three miles every day and walks for a mile. He reminded me that if he goes down with the horse, his strength is what gets him back up again. Another misconception is that jockeys only ride for 2 minutes. Well, the race is 2 minutes, but they ride every day of the year. They do not take breaks.

     โ€œHow does the public perceive you?โ€ I asked.

     โ€œIn Europe, they are treated like movie stars. Over here the jockey is just another person, and in sports, the jockey is low. I wish we had more respect, but we donโ€™t get the publicity.โ€

     This feels like the guts of the truth; our little minds like to align with other like minds. The leaders of the pack go to football and baseball, and the media follows behind.

     Jose remarked that he only felt real enthusiasm and support when he won the Triple Crown. Otherwise, they get a little column in the paper with the results. โ€œThe Racing Form is 100 pages, and nothing is written about us.โ€

     โ€œWhat if there was a Jockey Magazine?โ€

     โ€œWell, that would be great. Then, the companies would be interested, and weโ€™d get sponsors. When I go out to the park and run, I wear Nikes too.โ€ He chuckled.

    โ€œHave they ever approached you for sponsorship?โ€

    โ€œNo, I donโ€™t expect they will.โ€

 A few days later, I found Jerry Bailey before a race. It was a cinch to get into the jocksโ€™ room in those days. That was before Elliott Spitzer sipped all the fizz out of Saratoga Race Track. These days the Press canโ€™t walk inside the Jocksโ€™ room.  Jerry hopped onto a counter and extended his hand.

โ€œHow are you?โ€

โ€œGreat, Jerry, thank you for meeting me.โ€

โ€œSure.โ€

โ€œJerry, Iโ€™m very interested in the lack of sports sponsorship offered jockeys. Why do you think that is?

โ€œBecause no one is promoting us.  If you donโ€™t do anything to promote us, how does anyone know? They have bobbleheads and gimmicks like that, but there isnโ€™t even a Jockey Calendar. Excuse me now; Iโ€™ve got to ride a race.โ€

 Of all the risk-takers and entrepreneurs in the world, horse racing is the champion in all categories. If I decided to understand the business,  attend every race, meet every owner, jockey, and trainer, thereโ€™s no chance Iโ€™d understand anything more because I do not love the horse the way a jockey does, and you canโ€™t fool the horse!

   During the Hall of Fame Induction presentation at Saratoga a few years back, D. Wayne Lucas made a speech that drew a full house of gregarious applause. This is an excerpt:

 โ€œYou ride a great horse, and the owner wakes up the next day and decides to switch to Bailey. The adversity is gut-wrenching, bringing you to your knees and humbling, whether youโ€™re a rider, trainer, owner, or breeder. Thereโ€™s one thing that will keep you going, and that is simply your attitude. Attitude is the most important decision you make every day. Make it early, and make sure you make the right one. You will have a very full and very peaceful life.โ€

 Maybe itโ€™s time for a Jocks Nike, call it the Two Minute Nike. 

ย ย 

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      SWIMMING WITH GANGSTERS


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      Ella blew out tunes like a smoke stack, and her face drew more sweat with each soulful sound. By the second song, the sweat was pouring down her face and into that gorge like cleavage that heaved with each breath.ย  I was a child and didnโ€™t understand the emotions that distorted her eyes and mouth. Ella, crowned by a sizzling hot spotlight overhead, transmitted every flaw and feeling on her face.ย  ย I hadnโ€™t seen a singer suffer before. I looked up at my mother and started crying.

      โ€œ Whatโ€™s wrong sweetheart?โ€

      โ€œ Iโ€™m afraid sheโ€™s going to die.โ€

      My mother whispered assurances that Ella was not going to die.ย  I kept crying. She then excused us from our table and I followed her into the Powder Room.ย  She sat me on a chaise lounge and wiped my tears.ย  The expansiveness of the Powder room, compared to the ones today, was like being in someoneโ€™s bedroom. Soft cushioned chairs, a long dressing table speckled with ashtrays, perfumes, and miniature toiletries. We stayed there until Ella finished her show. Mom didnโ€™t show her disappointment, she rarely showed despairing emotions, or caused me to feel ashamed of my behavior. Looking back fifty years later, Iโ€™m reminded of my motherโ€™s selflessness and how a legend can drop down your path, and you donโ€™t even know it.

      Again, looking back fifty years later, my succession of travel diaries is dim by comparison to the Vegas memories.ย  Swirling amongst the รฉlan of prohibition era abandonment, gangsters were the Rothschilds, the royalty of the scene, and the non-members loved it. Thatโ€™s why the women behaved Roaring Twenties ZaZu Pitts and Louise Brooks emancipated. Everyone was free of their wrappings an0287_0019(small) ENTRATTER & SINATRAd responsibilities. They were partying with the men theyโ€™d first met on screen, played by Bogart, Robinson, and Cagney. I remember them now as being childlike. The outsiders may have been living the childhood stolen by WWII and the Depression. Their veiled heroes were gangsters whoโ€™d been breaking the rules since being ripped from their motherโ€™s breast.

      Then, one day the in 1963, the Rat Pack landed in Vegas, wearing black Tuxedos and intercepted the publicโ€™s fancy imitations of living vicariously. ย Joey Bishop, Peter Lawford, Sammy Davis, and Frank Sinatra invited Vegas to drink, make love, and gamble. And they did. If you find anyone over seventy in Vegas today, ask them about the Rat Pack, Johnny Roselli, or Jack Entratter, and youโ€™ll know Iโ€™m not exaggerating. Vegas was the time of their lives. The drugs were minor, an upper or a downer to sleep, but no one came to Vegas to OD or commit suicide.ย  The deaths were in the desert, between the gangstersโ€™. This was all before Tony Spilotro got wheels on his greed and went speeding into his own death.ย  TO BE CONTINUEDAT THE COPA ROOM

      AT THE COPA ROOM

      ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  WW11 SURVIVOR’S VOW TO GOD ย 

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      Part Two.   Solana Beach Morrocan Bungalow 2003. Maurice was 84

                  Maurice married the love of his life on December 25, 1941. They married in December because Maurice had saved one thousand dollars and made one hundred dollars a month. Agnes, his girlfriend in Grant, Iowa, is the woman who led Maurice out to Rancho Santa Fe, California, from his home in Grant. She and her father worked for Ronald McDonald, a prestigious resident in the ranch. She was responsible for housekeeping and cooking, and her father was the chauffeur.  

                  Agnes and Maurice went to the US Grant Hotel for dinner and stayed at the Paris Inn on Kettner Avenue in San Diego.  The following day Agnes went off to work. Maurice stayed in the little guest house she occupied on the McDonald property. Two days later Maurice received his draft notice.  On December 31, he left his new bride and reported for duty in Escondido.   He had one short visit before he left for overseas.  Then, the next time he would see her, he would be changed. 

                  Buna

                  One summer evening, I was sitting on Mauriceโ€™s front porch.  Sometimes, we would sit out till after eight oโ€™clock at night talking about different parts of Mauriceโ€™s life. Maurice is really busy in the summer; he tends to his garden of fruits and vegetables, he delivers furniture for all the Cedros merchants, and he helps his friends.  He never seems tired, he likes to sit on the porch, have a beer, and tell stories. I used to like it when my father told me stories, but they were unlike Maurice’s. There didn’t seem to be anything he

      couldnโ€™t talk about. Once he said,  ” You can ask me anything you want.โ€

                  โ€œMaurice, how old were you when you were drafted?โ€

                  โ€œWell, I was thirty-one years old in 1941 when the war broke out. I had to leave my wife, which bothered me, but I wanted to go overseas and fight for my country. There were so many nice soldiers, the best people in the world.  I recall two boys from Chicago that were only eighteen years old, they lied to get in the service, and they were the best soldiers you ever saw- they werenโ€™t afraid of anything.โ€

                  โ€œWhere did they send you after you left San Diego?โ€

                  โ€œWell, first, I went to Camp Roberts for thirteen weeks of training, but I got out in nine weeks. Then they sent me to Fort Ord to get my gear, rifles, and clothes.  We left San Francisco on April 21, 1942.  We got into Adelaide, Australia, after twenty-one days at sea.”  Maurice paused like he had to catch his breath. I watched his face, thinking he may want to stop.

                  โ€œYou remember so much… Do you mind talking about it?โ€ I asked.

                  โ€œNo, I don’t mind; it changed my life, everything about it.โ€

                   โ€œWhere did they send you after that?โ€

                  โ€œWe trained for a while in Adelaide; the people in Australia were so happy to see us.  I remember they met us at the beach with tea and cookies. The enemy soldiers were getting close.  We went up the coast to New Guinea and into Port Moresby; we got there on Thanksgiving Day 1942. As soon as we got off the ship, the bombs hit us; it was the hundredth raid that night. The next morning we were supposed to get to the Stanley

      Mountain range, we were in such a hurry. The Japanese soldiers built cement pillboxes and the army wanted us there. So we got in this plane, and they flew us there. Twenty-one at a time.      When I got to the island of Buna, there were dead soldiers scattered all over the beach.  We lost men so fast.  Then, on Christmas Day of 1942, General McArthur ordered us to advance, regardless of the cost of lives.  My division was one of the first to stop the Japanese army, the 32nd Division. After we were immobilized and a lot of our men killed, they sent in the 41st Division to take over.โ€

                   Maurice’s memory was like listening to a documentary, and this was the first time a Veteran confided in me.  They didn’t get supplies at first; they had to wait till everything was shipped to Europe. They got what was left over, which wasn’t much. He ate cocoanut bark for two weeks and had no water.

                  โ€œI can remember so well the first Japanese soldier  I saw. He was sneaking through the jungle, only thirty feet off.  I donโ€™t know if I shot him, but he dropped.  I donโ€™t like to think I killed anyone, and it bothers me to this day that I had to kill. The Japanese were good soldiers; they had better ammunition than us.  We fought all day, and we always ran out of ammunition before they did. Iโ€™ll never forget Christmas Day of 1942.  We went into a trench to get ahead; the fellow ahead of me was cut wide open, and the guy behind was shot.  I just lay there on the ground. If you moved you’d be shot. It was so bad; I lay there all day and night. โ€

                  โ€œDid you think you were going to die?โ€

                  โ€œI didnโ€™t let myself think that.  I promised God that if I ever got out alive I’d never complain about anything in my life again. Nothingโ€ฆ nothing could be worse than that day.” 

                  โ€œYou kept the promise, didnโ€™t you?โ€ I asked.

                  โ€œYes, I have.โ€

                  โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why the war changed your life?โ€ I said.

                  โ€œThatโ€™s right. Every day is a beautiful day after you’ve lived through war, at least for me,” he said.        

      Excerpt from manuscript.  All rights reserved. No part of this work covered by the copyright herein may be reproduced without the author’s prior written permission.

      MY FAVORITE VETERAN


                    HOW ONE SOLDIER CHANGED THE COMMUNITY OF SOLANA  BEACH, CA  

                  For many of us, the idea of aging is frightening.  We have been led to believe it brings pain, loneliness, and idle time for regressing mentally. Remedies, products, prescriptions, and escapes offer youthful looks, energy, and vitality. The thought of aging is brutal; we pretend we can buy youth. What if you met a man who told you he could do everything today, at eighty-four, that he did all his life without injections, medicine, special diet, or specific training?  

                  What if I told you all his family, including his brothers, mother, and father, is gone?  His wife died twenty years ago. That he lives alone and is not lonely. He claims he is the happiest man in the world.  Would you want to meet him?  He wants to meet you. He would like to be everyoneโ€™s neighbor. He has much to teach in a country of strangers about meeting neighbors and making friends. We who know proclaim him an inspiration, a legend, an angel. And to that, he always replies, โ€œIโ€˜m just a regular guy.โ€  

                  Maurice Roberts has lived in Solana Beach since 1936, and his recollections of the area are intact. I recorded his history and began writing everything down. Next week, I will start the first in a series of historical perspectives.

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      STEPS AWAY FROM ADVENTURES IN LIVINGNESS


      ADVENTURES IN LIVINGNESS    

      Achievement knocked down the barrier of fear. It feels like lifting off from ground level; I am floating like I used to be in the swimming pool, and I am only at my desk reading the news from my attorney. From one beginning to an ending, five years later, after tedious research, unscrambling legal language, and searching for the meaning behind the case references, this journey is over. I won the lawsuit against the bank that attempted to foreclose on my home and Dodger, my ex-partner of thirty-five years, who, for still unknown reasons, pursued the foreclosure.

      Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels.com

       Agape, eyes widened, nerves settled like snowflakes; the joy of achievement cannot be understated. During this phantasmagoria, life beyond research, consulting with foreclosure agencies, banking laws, and regulations, I detached from my passion for adventure, creativity, parades, parties, and socializing; I sat alone, and resilience shadowed, then enflamed like a log of fire, encapsulated into a daily doctrine. Music by Ennio Morricone, blue note Jazz, the everchanging scenery of seasons, phone conversations with friends who released ambers of comfort, confidence, and advice, and TCM films nuzzled my fatigue.

       Some days, I remained in bed, staring at my Icart Ladies of Leisure prints, or sat by my favorite window seat and studied clouds, birds, and leaves. The blossom of tenacity grew into a tree trunk and taught me the art of persistence and emotional strength, which were missing links in my character.

      Achievement in fine-tuning relationships, setting down the needle gently instead of plummeting riffs and arguments. In the present, as you all know, if you read the news, our culture has replaced argument and debate with assault and violence.  I digress; renewed confidence in my aptitude to fight battles, disputes, and disappointments without Dodger is as solid as concrete.

      The next episodic internal journey is regaining my passion for opening the door to interaction with strangers and discovering newness in that engine of life. I hope this admission reaches others who are experiencing depriving themselves of love within and without.