THUNDER THOUGHTS ON WRITING,READERS,AMTRAK,AND RELOCATION


ADVENTURES IN LIVINGNESS began with lightning and thunder. My bed braced against the window didnโ€™t alarm me like when I first moved here, and the storms startled me with their voluminous sound. After five years, the fears of weather, creaking noises, bats, mice, or a running deer as I drive have sifted through the thread of experience.   As the first attempt to accept relocation coming, I am unwinding with you, not at you, because youโ€™re all closer to me than you think.

I begin late on Friday, watching a half-lit scene with descending sunlight, the other bathed in asphalt gray,  the solid remains of this weekโ€™s punishing climate. Who cares about that after the news this week? I imagine every parent was stung in a way they may never have felt before. Everyone loves children, even those who didnโ€™t have them, cherish their innocence and liberating emotions. I asked a friend, how it affected him, he replied, โ€œ I didnโ€™t know I canโ€™t watch the news.โ€  

โ€œ You never watch the news?โ€

โ€œ Some stuff on social media.โ€

โ€œ The Mystic Camp tragedy didnโ€™t come up?.โ€

โ€œ No.. what happened?โ€. So I gave him some of the details, and when his expression turned dour, I stopped. Something another friend mentioned to me was Duty to Bare Witness, as we were talking about the Ukraine War.  Some call it tragedy trolling, I suppose thatโ€™s another kind of news watching.  Between the bubble wrap and boxing of what I think Iโ€™ll take, I listen to some news. I realize Iโ€™m not such an immoral person after listening to cantankerous battles on the hill.  

This city is drowsily awaiting the start of the Saratoga Race Track today. ย It is a sacrosanct epic convergence of rich and poor, doused in jewels or leather neck chokers. I love loyalty, and this event dates back to the 1880โ€™s. Itโ€™s the oldest race track in the country. When I had a press pass, and didnโ€™t wait in lines to attend, interview, and observe the festivities, it just canโ€™t be forgotten. I’m familiar with the groups that oppose horse racing, viewing it as a degenerate sport that harms both horses and gamblers. ย I understand that, considering my father was a gambler and horse lover, but it goes on for thousands who feel different. Can we not allow one to enjoy the other not?.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Sifting through collectibles, I found my letter to Amtrak. Many ย years ago, ย I wrote to the executives at Amtrak with this idea: Give a writer a free ride for a long journey, and allow them to write about it. Then, engage reporters at the different stops to show up and give the writer a pass to visit the city or town and meet the nuances that no one knew about. I felt pressed to seek escape, โ€˜Iโ€™m going to live on Amtrak!โ€™ The idea blossomed over some cabernet, and I lingered there in the kitchen, while I cooked up this idea, of riding Amtrak across America, while writing about subjects I choose from a long list, and develop it into a documentary, and a book. ย ย ย I realized how much effort it would take to launch and live this idea that was born in the kitchen over a bottle of cab. I spent the day researching and looking at the bedroom suites on Amtrak. I went to sleep imagining myself on the train, and the inherent comedy that would roll out, from living in a room the size of shoe box. I watched movies about trains, and started reading Paul Theroux’s The Old Patagonian Express. Del Mar, watching the Amtrak.

There I am on Amtrak, with a laptop and a recorder,  strolling through the aisles, interviewing people, and then Iโ€™m in some unfamiliar city, hopping from one place to another, and writing in cafes and adventuring. The illusion became real, like a dream that represents reality. I do see myself on such an adventure.   I must sculpt new routines, learn how to do the things Iโ€™m not used to doing.  I wrote to Amtrak, and I did not get a response. Several years later, they invited a writer to do what I had suggested. As the day descends into afternoon, I am perched in between, clinging to the wisdom of my posse, whom I call on for solace, for answers, for encouragement, and you readers, who keep me adventuring in writing.

RELOCATION REALITY


“Young woman sitting on the books and typing, toned image”

The world we are living is not familiar; everyday it erupts with an inconceivable corruption, acts of violence, and viciousness against humanity. It’s not the Italian roast coffee that wakes me up, itโ€™s world news.ย  I feel less and less a part of humanity and more like a wild creature chewing on an old bone. ย My outlook on social clubs, synagogue and church congregations, membership clubs, group classes, and letโ€™s meet up organizing makes a lot of sense now. Especially if you donโ€™t have children or a life mate. The temptation to retreat into a decorous world of fantasy is irresistible. ย Experience taught me that losing it, giving up, hugging the pillow with film noir on the screen will revive me. It may take two days or more, permitting freedom to indulge in the abstract absurdity, tragedy, and comedy of life available to me. Two days are up: six noir films: Sleeping Tiger, Dangerous Crossing, Ruthless, Finger of Guilt, Wicked, and Cast a Dark Shadow. All suspenseful meandering around themes of greed, deception, romance, uneven love, and forgiveness.

Itโ€™s a great big wide wide world if you leave the doors open. Now that the house has sold, I am fortunate that all those years studying real estate and proving myself by placing money in the boss’s pocket, trickled into my life. The first triplex I bought was in 2002, the one that sold, The Follies House. The rent provided income and paid the mortgage. ย For my Gen X and Millennial pals, I say this: buy a duplex somewhere you want to live.

Iโ€™m feeling overwhelmed as I go through this four-story unit and decide what to keep, give away, and sell. Perplexed as I go through boxes of journals dating back to 1996. I assume I won’t live to preview them for new stories, but I sill feel a sense of belonging to them. I have learned after selling a dozen furnishings that once they are gone, it takes about a week to stop lamenting the loss.

THE THINKING SOLDIER Perhaps the architecture of intention was always more delicate than either of us admitted.. a scaffolding of hopes not yet tempered by time or circumstance. I wonโ€™t dispute the imagery youโ€™ve painted.. itโ€™s poignant, even beautiful in its grief.. As for the vision, I never dismissed the idea. But reality tends to interrupt our grandest scripts with a more cryptic hand. And no, camouflage isnโ€™t my language, even if silence sometimes serves as armor.. If what you received sowed doubt, I understand. But not all absences are betrayals. Some are simply the byproduct of lives caught in divergent orbits, trying and failing to converge..


FROM MY UNNAMED SOLDIER

GERMANY READERSHIP RISING THANK YOU GERMANY


I posted a column on Sunday, The Mind Hike. When I checked my stats, it was rising like a new sun, and hit a record-breaking 127 views! That has not happened since I published my book in 2017. I did not optimize the column or take any steps to increase readership. Today it is up to 126. Whomever you are, thank you so very much for reading my columns.

A LADY LIKE AUDREY


EGO WORK OUT AT EQUINOX. 2018


    I walked into Century City Club Equinox, almost inserting myself into the spotless transparent glass door. Three young women at the counter, beaming youth in front of black walls that seem to suck me in. 

โ€œIโ€™m here for the tour.โ€   A suited man in a large, rather luxurious office greets me with so much reserve and robotic gestures that I feel like running out.   I was led through a scintillating voluminous space, enveloped in floor-to-ceiling glass, streamed with sunlight and views of Westwood.   The members,  women attired in matching voluptuous outfits and personal trainers, lean as lions tossing funny equipment to the client, fastidious housekeepers, sterilizing and vacuuming in trendy uniforms. It was as if  I were watching a film production. 

The treadmill cycle area was a bit crowded, and not one person didnโ€™t have a headset on, staring at the screen of choice.  The bathrooms were hotel accessorized, and even pumps were filled with Kiehl products. There was a steam room, make-up area, showers, all the necessities, and a few women were blowing their hair, all beautiful. 

More rooms, a snack bar, shopping, pulsating music, and a closer look at the guests.

โ€œ This is as upscale as you can get; youโ€™ll love it, and you’ll meet important people, Iโ€™m sure.โ€

I listened to his closing argument and watched the bodies bend like pretzels as personal trainers raised and stretched their heads, arms, and legs.  Bodies bounced, climbed ropes, did flips, and hung upside down, like a circus act. After the close, a condescending smirk, that I read as, join, or go hang out with the losers at 24-hour fitness. 

 He handed me the contract, and I read it over.  The cost was more than Iโ€™ve ever spent. The way I looked at it was a place to work out and meet new people, although my instinct was that these were not my people.  I signed and walked out feeling dizzy again.  I stopped in a shoe store to look at what women were wearing.   The salesgirl kept complimenting me, and showing me shoes that she loved, and before I knew it, she sold me what I didnโ€™t come in to buy, high-top lace-up pink workout sneakers.  Leaving the Century City Satellite, beyond the construction and traffic, I raced home to recuperate. Whatโ€™s happened to me after living in a village in New Mexico, is that too much stimulation is now exasperating.

I walked to Equinox for my first workout, hopped on the treadmill with weights, and tried to look perfectly comfortable, but I wasnโ€™t.ย  The vibe and everything about this ballroom of a gym seemed rehearsed. Maybe Iโ€™m too observant, trying too hard to fit in. I noticed so much in that hour. The workout is also a sort of performance, just a shade of competition between men and their weights, women straddling rubber balls, yoga mats, bench presses, and only a handful look like they need it. Men and women occupy the treadmill room; without expressions, they seem to live inside themselves.
There is no conversation; it feels more like a convent. There is no hi, hey, or smile. I asked a trainer, โ€œItโ€™s not very social here. Why is that?โ€
โ€œ These are the highest paid executives, lawyers, agents, actors, and they donโ€™t come in to socialize–they are only here to do the work-out.โ€
Great move, Greta. Iโ€™m paying three hundred a month to be invisible.

FRIENDS AND FONDNESS OF THE PAST


ย  I ‘m thinking about Loren, one of the most original characters in my life. He developed a vernacular unlike anyone I’ve met. It came from growing up in the hood of Santa Fe, New Mexico. Later exclusive Wilshire Boulevard in Westwood, and then returning to Santa Fe. Joined the upper class clientele as a chauffeur. His vernacular was impressive as it collated honesty, and a wit sharp as a razors edge. Loren visits three times a week at least. Snow means silence and hermitizing. Iย  can’t wait to open the door to Luxury Limo Loren and make him brunch.ย  We harmonize for hours; on tones of fretful fear, wicked secrets, confessions and laughter. The delicious crust of survival and our similarities.

If I write down the pleasantries surrounding my life, the blessings rise up and give me a softened comfort.  The sweet peace may vanish the next day, or be intercepted by the news, a wreck in the street, an unexpected phone call. The crossroads of everyday life comes and goes. Between all of these uncontrollable incidents we are writing stories that some day will be told in conversation, or written in journals and books. The essence of our changing lives is universal.

I LOVED


JOURNAL ON MEN

The insomnia of separation from a manโ€™s shoulder bowed to my head, tweaks like stale bread. A mind that directs me when I am driving directionless and maps my journey, walks beside me, a guardian of my fragility, acutely conscious of our path. The voice that encourages and applauds my success rather than let it drip from jealousy or preoccupation.  How the laughter erupts in a moment of spontaneous passion. The gestures of him shaving and the modest vanity after I re-wardrobe him. Feeling his eyes in a crowd, undressing or admiring me, for some folly or expression.

The humor he finds in my misguided attempts to open bottles, and packages with a dull spoon, and figure out electronics.

How he will pardon and pamper my unwarranted fears of stalkers, sickness, rejection nightmares, and falling down the slippery wooden stairs.

The man whose balance evens my wrinkles.

Let’s the light into my eyes.

Opens my shell with wonder and tenderness.  

WINTER’S SERMON ON SOLITUDE


SOLITUDE will always be a puzzle because our lives, solo or mated, are mystified by either too much or not enough solitude.

ย I contest what seems endless solitude with my Irish Russian temper, condemning irritants like: street noise, absence of friends, short-tempered customer service reps, world news, and mindless tasks. The fever dulled after the first ice, rain, and snow, and mindfulness triumphed. I imagined my basement of survival would sink. It did not. There is an inner exploration happening, unfolding like spreading new sheets on my bed, that solitude has befriended me all my life. In the best of times and the tedious. I have to find the frolic and follies in the world that I created. I have to laugh alone so I watch screwball comedies, seek humor of my irregularities; wearing a sweater inside out, pouring coffee into a wine glass for a cocktail, and chuckling up and down the staircase, because I keep forgetting where I left my phone. My head is elsewhere daydreaming.
Iโ€™ve learned how to repair house calamities; unscrew windows, seal up cracks, fix clogged drains, replace air vents, read the meters, and rejuvenate every wood board, handle, chair, and table with Old English Oil. As one pal commented on a visit to the house, ‘ It’s a perfect day for Old English! The winter forecast is blizzardy and full of warnings I havenโ€™t experienced here; and how can I complain when half of Upstate New York is buried in ten feet of snow. The end of the day pleasure comes in the kitchen; my heart and spirit melt while stirring my weekly gumbo, stew, or casserole while listening to Tony Bennett, Nat King Cole, and swing music.
Winter is a funnel that strips the trees and branches and lets us see through the forest and ourselves.

TRIBUTE TO LA POSADA DE SANTA FE, SANTA FE, NM


CHRISTMAS 2013 AT LA POSADA

MAY 2017

It is the Kentucky Derby and Cinco De Mayo weekend at La Posada.  Kristen from the hotel said I should go; it would be fun. Sheโ€™s a feisty young woman with clear, penetrating blue eyes and silky brown hair. Youth dances in her expressions; other times, it wilts from being locked down to an indoor job.  Sheโ€™s an adventurer who camps out in Belize and South America. Now, sheโ€™s talking about Antigua.  

I walked out to the courtyard to see what was going on.  The tables werenโ€™t set up yet, but the Donkey stood idly and annoyed at the other end of the yard. I donโ€™t know why they bring him, maybe for the kids.  In the bar, a few guests were watching the Derby. The elan of race anticipation is shining like a light. I ordered a Mint Julep, and the guys were all watching as Dude whipped it up with finesse.

โ€œ How is it?โ€ Dude asked without needing any approval. 

โ€œ Magical.  Who are you betting on? Greta asked.

โ€œI want a Titty Tut, something nasty.โ€

โ€œ Oh, stop that. You do it too much.โ€ She replied.

โ€œ Not nearly enough! Okay, hereโ€™s my horseโ€”Promises Fulfilled. Oh yes, thatโ€™s mine.โ€

โ€œ Everything you say is a metaphor for sex.โ€

โ€œ You bet it is.โ€ Whoโ€™s your pick?โ€

โ€œ My prick is Justify.โ€

โ€œHah, see, now you get it.โ€

I sipped my drink and wandered around the lobby, stopping to greet Jackie, Monserrat, and Danielle.  They donโ€™t know what their smiles and caring comments do for me. I must tell them more often. 

โ€œ I donโ€™t know what Iโ€™d do without all of you.โ€ To be continued.

JUST LIFE


Adventures in livingness aren’t just about extroversion, what we say, how we behave, or how we respond. More importantly, they are about our inner changes when life demands that from us. No one hears what threads are spoken in our heads, the ones that are flawed from indecisiveness, the ones that have been molded from things long past, the new threads that are unfamiliar, and the ones we need to rip out entirely.ย 

NON-STOP TO LIVING


Today is the day to stop punishing myself and outlive what has aborted my adventures in livingness.

No longer incubate to avoid disappointment, irritations, chaos, uncertainty, and senseless fear. I’m not alone, and you’re not alone. Friends of marvelous careers and lifestyles admit the same. We remain at home, where comfort, familiarity, control, and sustainability are our foundation.

No longer! Debasing my flaws, failures, and finicky flashes, manage them like I’m preparing dinner. If the pasta isn’t fabulous, I don’t go into a fit of failure.

I no longer will have apprehension and anxiety when buyers arrive to tour my home. The great philosophers advised me on Facebook that anxiety never solves problems.