His eyes widened with the surplus of understanding that comes after you’ve accepted an unimaginable pain. Why is it that
tragedy teaches us more than triumph?
Tag: RELATIONSHIPS
TEST PILOT
THE FILM, stars Myrna Loy, Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy. At the risk of outrage from women who hate men, this film illustrates what a woman will and should do for the man she truly loves. The catch five is finding the right man to do it for!
HONESTY BRINGS HONOR.
The interior dialogue that is MALICIOUS and masked from the outside world, rots and takes the man or woman with it. BE HONEST AND IF YOUR ENCOUNTERS ARENโT, TEACH THEM.
FILLING UP ON STUFF
LOVERS IN YOUR LIFE
Sometimes I skim through the works
in progress folder and stumble upon something I never finished. This is from that folder, started in 2004.
They make the best friends, and you never have to wonder what itโs like to make love to themโฆ lovers from the pastย are not forgotten, and if they are, then they were not true loves, they were just flings.ย ย In my life,ย lovers have remained in my heart in a separate compartment, just as their letters, and photographs and mementos are kept in separate stationary boxes in my trunk.
Some lovers keep in touch with me, and others vanished after the break-up. Last month two former lovers contacted me. One from 1977, and one in 1984. I have always said one man is not enough; I need three or four circulating my life. Even if I was married, my mantra of โthe more men the betterโ would not be negotiable, and today, that holds true. I’ve been advised by Rudy, that men will read this and assume that I am intimate with my men friends; and I said not all men will, and he said, oh yea, that’s how men think. ย ย
This is a story of lovers reuniting, in different cities than where they met, older, refined in sentiment, and loved in a capacity greater than they once were, as lovers.ย To be continued.
FINDING HIM
MORE ON MICE AND MAYHEM
ADVENTURES IN LIVINGNESS
The throw of the dice this week lands on Part Two of Mice and Mayhem.
โJohn, I found a place! Letโs go tomorrow to check it out. This will be such an
adventure! Itโs next to a riding stable, and creeks, and treesโฆ and DH Lawrence lived up the hill.โ
Part Two
Highway
64 toTaosโฆ
My anticipation smoked from the back seat where I sat, listening to Rudy and John
in conversation, the kind that ripples like a stream, as Rudy evokes his fervor
for New Mexican history, the battles, and bravery, the legend of Billy the Kid,
and Geronimo. The summer scenery galloped past as we headed up the canyon
through Pilar, as bobbing rafters walloped the Rio Grande, as tourists snapped
photographs, as hitchhikers and wayward hobos staggered on the death trap
shoulder turn-outsโฆ a sort of carnival that makes driving to Taos interrupt the
mundane repetition of asking myself questions I cannot answer: Why do I gamble?
โTurn left here, Rudy.โย We were on the last turn into the Writerโs
Retreat in San Cristobal.
It was virgin land, spindly wild flowers, unpaved roads, no-name streets, and
the three of us, searching for some sign of life.
โThis is it,โ Rudy climbed out of the car,
while John and I remained seated, unbelieving.
โRudy, this isnโt it.โ I shouted. He turned
around and on the edge of hysterics, and said, โOh yes, it is.โ
โLouLou, you threw the dice off the table
this time.โ Johnโs laughter stunned the silence as we viewed the three attached
leaning log cabins, with barred windows, beat up furniture, and week old trash,
glaring back, as if to say, โWell, whatta you expect for $600.00 a week.โ
John and Rudy went off in the direction of
the barn, and that was when I had the feeling we needed to get out fast before
the owners approached us with rifles or crack needles.
The
image of Rudy and John, poking in the field, exploring the barn, two men that
rescued and wrestled with pieces of my persona, were now joined. For most of
life, I went solo, everywhere. There
was in my mind the resolution I would remain unattached, out-of-love because
โlove is more painful than lust,โ a phrase I took out of this mornings NY book
review of โA Book of Secrets.โ
I wandered into the multifarious pasture where
I was greeted with chickens, goats, and manure, and with a sudden rush of
urgency, I shouted: โLetโs get the hell out of here,โ and dashed back to the
car. I could hear John and Rudyโs crackling laughter, and that solidified the
momentary disappointment that follows a lousy throw of the dice.
I followed my interior compass, that has been
known to deliver supreme surprises, and we ended up on Kit Carson Road, in a shower of sunshine,
and cotton balls drifting down like snowflakes.
โTurn there. Look Rudy, San Geronimo Lodge.
We made an offer on it, remember?โ
โWow,
I forgot about that one.โ
โHow
many places have you guys made offers on inTaos?โ John asked.
In the course of remembering the different
times we lived in Taos, and the real estate agents, like Linda from Texas who
accused of us being charlatans, until our friend David kicked in and warned
her, โTheyโre morons, theyโre not that smart,โ we landed at the cross bridge to San Geronimo.
โTwelve. We forgot about the Martinezplace; the one I wanted to fix up
into polished efficiencies.โ I said.
โWhat were you planning for the Lodge?โ
โThe Woodstock House, concerts in the field,
performances in the dining room, musician rooms. There was a grand piano in the
main Salon.โ
The
Lodge was devotedly remodeled. The slimy green pool had turned Mediterranean blue, the grounds were riddled with pathways,
the mammoth lobby was now comfortably appointed with antiques, and the grand
piano, well, that was shut-down and used as a plant stand.
The owner, a rugged beauty with brimming
passion for her turf, showed us half a dozen rooms to choose from.
โYou must have spent a fortune fixing it up.โ
โYou have no idea! What we were told
going in, wasnโt what we got.โ
I left with resumed faith in my compass, and
knowing we made the right decision not buying San Geronimo.
Decisions about traveling, joining, meeting,
and moving, drop me in the path of mental collision. Instead of applying
academic analysis, calculations, or tried and true pragmatic reasoning, I try
to beat the odds, because I am a gambler.
John and I headed up to Taoswhile Rudy took refuge in a friendโs
casita. I suppose most vacation renal owners have alternate accommodations; but
this is a work-in-progress, like a play that doesnโt have an ending yet.
For the next six days, I wandered from the Geronimo
pool, to the terrace, to Taos on foot, and
during those hours, we rewrote the script in the privacy of our steadily silent
working room, or on the second story terrace, overlooking the fields and the Jemez Mountains.
When Rudy
called and said Mike, our renter, invited us to the reception party at the
house, I called Mike to decline. He turned me down.
โLoulou you have to come, everyone wants to
meet you.โย Everyone is a lot of people;
seventy-five guests inside the house when I am not the host stirred up my
imagination.
When we arrived, the reception party was
sprouting on the front porch, in the driveway around bistro tables, on the back
porch at a buffet table, and in the garden movie theater.
Suddenly, this face comes at me, up close: โLoulou,
Iโm Mike. Come-inโฆ What are you drinking? We love it! Come meet everyone.โย Mike has a light bulb personality, one
hundred and twenty volts of unplugged warmth and sincerity. I followed him into
the living room, and was immersed with questions and praise, at rapid
fire.ย Within the hour I wilted and
tugged on John and Rudy to cross the street for dinner. โWhyโd you leave?โ Rudy
asked. He was eyeing a pretty blonde in the driveway.
โI donโt feel itโs right; presiding in our
house while itโs their house. Iโm afraid Iโll start cleaning.โ
I returned to the party when a vintage Galaxy
pulled into our driveway, and I was abandoned because John led Rudy over to see
the automobile.
By now, the party was surging and as I
recommenced my socializing the trepidation vanished. In every direction were
handshakes and hugs, conversations zigzagging from Mikeโs family to Erinโs, the
bride and groom, and their friends, who came from Los Angeles.
But these were not just friends; they were neighbors.
โNeighbors inLos Angeles?โ I jested.
โOh yeah, we live in the Hollywood Hills. We
have parties every weekend. Are you THE Loulou?โ I nodded. โI am THE Carlos,
and you must visit us inHollywood.โ
โWhat
do you do Carlos?โ
โEverything!
I sing, act, cook, and make trouble!โ In every party there should be a Carlos.
The evening crescendo curled into a wave of anticipation when Carlos took
center stage and sang arias, from Turnadot and La Boehme. His bravura tenor
voice raised the guests from every cavity of the house. Strangers out strolling
stopped to listen and guests from La Posadaย spilled out in the streets.ย The house was transformed, in some ways to
former visions of the artist salons I imagined and once held at Follies House.
There
were times over the last two years when Rudy and I discussed selling Gallery
LouLou, leasing it long term, and even renting rooms; options that occupied
sleepless nights, and never materialized. Now we know it is a vacation home, a
party house, a reception salonโฆ all the things that I imagined came together
here, even Rudy and John.
Any dice to throw email: folliesls@aol.com
Up and Down a Vacation Rental Episode.
After three years, eight months and four days, Rudy (AKA โRisky Torpedoโ)my should have been brother, and former lover returned to Santa Fe. He pulled into the driveway in his VW Van with the cracked windshield, and his prehistoric dashboard collection of rattle-snake tails, and plastic toy reptiles, red rocks, and feathers.
โYouโre not going to believe what happened.โ
โDonโt tell me, the car broke down.โ
โNo, I fell asleep on the road.โ
โThen what?โ
โI checked into the Knights Motel for a few hours. Iโm fine. He looked emaciated, lean as a cougar, and hungry as a wolf. My maternal instincts raged to nurse him.โ
โWow, the porch really needs paint. Iโll start tomorrow. โ
โDonโt you want to take a few days off and hike, or dig for petroglyphs?โ
โHell no! I got a lot of work before our first guests arrive. When do the first guests arrive?โ
โJune 20.โ
โPiece of cake.โ
โWait till you see the list.โ
John, the man who has come closest to me since Daddy, barbequed that night, while Risky set his cowboy boots into the New Mexican soil, watched the clouds open like white envelopes, and acclimated himself to the home we used to share-as a perceived couple. I wondered what our neighbors at La Posada would be thinking, as the three of us, the we of me, congregate on the front porch around my mayhem, Rudyโs Hank Williams music, and Johnโs pacing during a phone conversation with his agent. The discourse and chaos of life is what draws us together, not the complacency.
Reconfiguring a gallery that we never really furnished as a home,into a first-class vacation rental for six to eight people, took up one entire spiral notepad. I saved the notepad, not because I will ever do this again because my passion for struggle, deconstruction, and chaos has passed. I noticed that about two weeks into the reconstruction.
At times I think I mine mayhem because our family home burnt when I was eight years old, and the impression it left was that everything can change between the time you get on the bus to go to school and when you come home.
Ann, my therapist back in the โ90s suggested that the fire that burned our family home was why I became a transient mover, incessantly rearranged furniture, and loved hotels. I kept a list for years of all my addresses; by the time I was forty, I had moved forty-two times.
What you do if you convert your home into a vacation rental is remove any signs of personal stain, sentiment or residency. The catch-all is that that we are not moving. We are going to hide everything that identifies us.
By the third day of Riskyโs arrival the worn paint on the porch went from sulking yellow to stormy grey. Buckets of paint and brushes were scattered like leaves, new light bulbs, tins of gold leaf paint, and tubes of caulking.
โRisky canโt you put your tools in one place?โ
โNo I cannot. I never have. Why would you even ask? You know this is how I work.
โI ask because you know I have to ask.โ
Indoors, John was between rewriting a script, and agreeing to my yelps for help: โWould you help me move all the books to the dining table?โ He didnโt just move them, he stacked them by subject. Then I boxed them, and painfully stacked them in the other closet, next to the boxes of albums, personal photos, journals, and Lanieโs dice collection that has grown to casino impressive numbers. A box of photographs marked 2003 was tempting me to peek inside. I lifted the lid, and landed on a photo of Rudy and I in Taos, perched on a boulder in the ski valley. Flashing images, not of where we were, but of who we were, who all of us were back then.
Then came the cartons of FBI and INS files; the beasts that entrap me. These boxes, filled with the answers to my family history, have been attached to me for seventeen years.
โGee Loulou, why not pack a few dozen more: theyโre not heavy enough. Do you know how many times Iโve moved these?โ
Risky lugged the boxes down two flights of stairs to the basement, which he had to rearrange because my Vacation Rental advisor told us it wasnโt presentable. All this activity stirred a family of mice who turned up on the garden pathway, and zipped by me as I laid the platter of food on the outdoor dining table.
โThe mice are not dead.โ I told Risky over and over. Because he loves all creatures, he avoided the traps until the mice turned up in the flower beds while he was planting.
Itโs the first time in several years since itโs taken six months to fill one Raika lined journal. And without my journal, I swell up, and then explode. The explosion comes in swift unmanageable bursts that once, during one of the manuscript box moves, the one marked โRejection Letters,โ allowed me to take a great deep breath, and drop the box squarely over the 2nd story landing.
โWhat happened?โ John and Risky took giant steps towards the box, and then looking up at me, to see if more was coming, I replied, โRejection letters.โ
In one of the free tote bags that come with a purchase at Nordstroms, I dropped the books I would need, the ones that nourish my appetite for understanding: Henry Miller, Anais Nin, Joan Didion Lawrence Durrell, and the ones I have not read yet. I was able to pack fifteen books in the bag, which I imagined would go in the front seat of the car if we were driving or in the suitcase if I was flying. Where John and I would escape during the eight days our guests would live here, was still undetermined.
After the books came the wardrobe, shoes, cosmetics, toiletries, porcelain pets, fans, masks,
CDโs, DVDโs, and then my desk.
Within hours, my private writing room, and literary sanctuary for the last five years, was ransacked, broken down, like a theater set, and stored in stackable trays that I wheeled into the closet. โThis feels very weird. Itโs as if Iโm stripping from the inside out.โ
โWhat about the filing cabinet? Where does that go?โ
Rudy was on the floor, attaching wheels to the cabinet, and I was in the closet, where the space was shrinking around me.
โLouLou, what about Cancun?โ John yelled from another room.
โWhat about it?โ I shouted from the closet floor, where I was organizing jewelry.
โI have a time share I can exchange. Iโve never been there.โ
โItโs too late. Cancun is South Beach.โ
And ten minutes later, it was more of Mexico, and British Columbia, and I was separating half-written essays, with memos to the Mob Experience, and the heat came in waves from the hallway, but I couldnโt get out of the closet.
Later that afternoon, my browsing eye churned Craigโs listings, while Johnโs continuing efforts to find us an escape lingered in the hallway.
โHow about Laguna Niguel?โ
My finger landed on a posting, โWriterโs Cabin on 40 acres in San Cristobel, Taos where Aldous Huxley wrote Island.โ
โJohn, I found a place! Letโs go tomorrow to check it out. This will be such an adventure! Itโs next to a riding stable, and creeks, and treesโฆ and DH Lawrence lived up the hill.โ
As always, John replied: โSure, why not?โ
To be continuedโฆ.
DAD IN COURT 1951
Out of Control
This week is on control, and losing it. You hear that phrase often enough, โshe has control issues.โ Iโm not sure what that means. I donโt understand how a society of rules and regulations that delivers more commands every day is expected to produce a society without control issues. I lost control of my life and so I am getting in touch with โout of control.โ
Bohemian living was always in my dreams, having been raised in a perfectly pressed pinafore and seated on fragile furniture. I am not really very gypsy like when it comes to home. Once upon a time I lived in a suitcase, but I have since been corrupted by the joy of controlling all the things that come into the house and find a place there.
Once faced with this alarming epiphany I vowed to give up control and accept the disorder and disruption. What Iโve rediscovered is that without a lot of stuff to organize the mind is free to think. The house chores are minimal, leaving more time to create and effect important things. Narcissism is sacrificed and replaced with more visceral reflections.
Once I place myself inside the double yellow line of society, I feel those controls closing in on me. Losing control is a replenishment of youthful spirit. Itโs free and painless. Try it, take off the leash and run free.
Two days later I was in a hotel, preparing for a reunion, a day of shopping, and luxuries of a woman on the road, when the news broke.. How did you feel when you heard the news. John and I went silent, and drove two hours in more conscientious silence.
JAMMING UP HIP-HOP
Free your mind and the rest will follow; the words from EnVogueโs latest release played all day on the radio. Every time I got in the car to hunt up real estate listings, I heard that song.
I worked in an industrial building along an industrial highway in San Diego. I shared a warehouse with twelve men, eleven of them tall, weight trained football on Sunday guys, who ate at expensive restaurants amongst a club of commercial real estate agents, where theyโd be noticed. They were pretty decent guys, except the partners who each had severe a case of ego malnutrition and competed for attention like two tottlers. Greg was the only short one in the bunch, and he wore a rug, manicured his nails, and surfed on the weekends. He was always talking about his Karate black belt, and how he knocked guys out. He rarely laughed and when he did he sounded like a chirping bird. Greg used to give me his wifeโs unworn clothes and waited in my living room while I tried them on. It was sort of strange, but he never played the trump card and asked for anything in return.
One day in the summer of 1992 I called the office secretary.
โGail, Iโm not coming in for awhile. Will you forward my calls to my home?โ
โAre you all-right?โ
โOh yea. Iโm fine.โ
โWhat should I tell Sam?โ
โTell him Iโm on leave of absence.โ
I lived in a little cottage house in North Park. It was all white with a picket fence and a squared grass yard where my dog played. The front room was small but the carpeting was new, so I could curl up on the rug and watch the clouds from the windows.
I threw my nylons and navy pumps in the garbage, and folded the business suits into boxes. I knew I wasnโt going back, but where I was headed was a throw of the dice.
Mornings I ran through Balboa Park before the crowds arrived, and got to see the zoo keepers feeding the animals, and the actors going into The Old Globe Theater. I filled my senses with virgin light and morning silence, unfamiliar sensations to office workers living with florescent lighting and partition walls. In the afternoon I lounged around in sweats watching music videos, reading magazines and dancing.
I watched some new music videos, maybe EnVogue or Bobby Brown, and tried to imitate the hip-hop moves on the carpet. It was like watching a cat in the snow. I called all the dance schools, and no one was teaching hip-hop. I didnโt know back then my mother was a dancer; so this impulsive and implausible scheme to start a dance troupe startled me as much as everyone I told.
The last lease deal I did was for a group of soccer players from Jamaica. They needed a space to open a reggae dance club. They told me theyโd called other agents and no one would take their business. I found a disheveled warehouse and struck a deal for them. They fixed up the warehouse themselves, with colored lights, and some tables, but Rockers was really about the dancing. I walked into the club one night, and they were all doing their part; greeting customers, spinning vinyl, and serving drinks. I danced with Leroy, the leader of the group, and watched him unfold from the waist down. He danced so low to the floor, he appeared boneless.
โLeroy, Iโm going to start a dance troupe. You guys inspired me.โ
โWhat kind of dance?โ
โHip-Hop and jazz funk.โ
Leroy covered his mouth with one hand and laughed.
โWhatโs so funny?โ
โYouโre a business woman; I didnโt know you was a dancer.โ
โWell, I took lessons a long time ago.โ
โHip Hop?โ
โNo, Jazz. Iโm going to find the dancers to teach. I know there out there.โ
โYea, they out there all right; lots of them.โ
โWell see! Iโd like to use your space, pay rent of course, when youโre not open.โ
โWell thatโs all right. You donโt need to pay me.โ
I hugged him, and he shook his head. โI donโt think thereโs much money in teaching hip-hop.โ he said.
At the community college I posted a sign for dancers, and observed some classes. When I got the call from Piper, he asked me to come see him teach at the Church on University Avenue. I drove over one night, and found Piper in a little room upstairs, teaching Jazz Funk to one woman. He was tall and lanky with a smile that creased his whole jaw. He came over, shook my hand, and said, โHow you doing? Iโm Piper.โ He wore an immaculate shield of confidence that defied his nineteen years, and moved at the intersection of Michael Jackson and James Brown. The groove spiraled through his body.
โIโll help you get it started; if youโre not a trained dancer you need help.โ
So Piper and I met every week and finally landed on a group that incorporated Jazz-Funk, Hip-hop and Afro-Cuban. I named the company United Steps Dance Productions, and the Jammers were the hip-hop troupe.
Iโll never forget the look on the partnerโs faces when I told them I was starting a multicultural dance troupe. They just stared at me blankly. Then within weeks all five of my unclosed lease deals were signed at the same time. I walked out with enough money to live six months. That was real security in my mind.
Piper and I held our first audition at Rockers. When I opened the doors that morning, dancers were already lined up outside. They came dressed in street clothes; wearing scarves, baseball caps, loose pants, and tank tops. I watched them leap, kick, split, and turn inside out for the job. I knew that I was in the right spot.ย One dancer walked out, stood still for a moment, and then leaped into a break-dance pop-lock routine that silenced the crowd. โHim Piper, definitely him.โ Heโs bad, yea heโs real bad.โ At the end of the auditions, Piper mocked me.
โLue, we canโt sign every dancer just cause they hip-hop. Anyone can do that.โ
I canโt hip hop and itโs my company.โ
โYea, and youโre crazy. I swear, Lu youโre crazy.โ
We agreed on pop-locker Vince-Master Jam, and Monique, a young Afro-Cuban dancer. That was the beginning.
When Vince and I met, he told me he lived in Escondido.
โBut thatโs an hour away.โ
โItโs cool, Iโll be here. Just give me the chance.โ
Vince showed up twice a week at night for his class. Many times, we sat in the cold damp club, listening to music and Vince tried to teach me to pop-lock. I apologized for not having students and he looked at me, and said, โ Donโt worry Lue, will get it going on.โ
Our first performance was at the Red Lion Hotel. I hired a video tech to record the performance. We got a free dinner and a hundred dollars. We had a good crowd, and everyone loved them. Afterwards in the dining room, they were talking, laughing and elbowing each other. Piper was ranting about Monique taking too much time, and Vince was telling Piper to chill because Monique was so good. I sat there just listening, with a big smile on my face.
The Jammers belonged to the no smoking, no drinking, no drugs group. For the first few months, they taught on tiled floors under a leaky roof, without any heat. But they kept coming back to teach and their dedication moved me to find a better location. We relocated to a well-heeled Health Club downtown San Diego and the classes filled up with students, dancers, and office workers searching for a new lunch. They came from all different races; Asian, White, Hispanic and Black. I danced with the classes and promoted our troupe. The Jammers laughed at my attempt to be a soul sister, and I laughed with them. We were reviewed by KPBS magazine, and a photographer took pictures of us and featured us in the magazine.
Searching for gigs proved to be an exasperating struggle. I called department stores, festival producers, shopping centers, nightclubs, hotels and everyone had the same line, โI donโt think hip-hop is right for our clientele.โ
When I ran out of money I took a job managing a condominium project, where I lived rent free. After a time of observing the Jammers self expression, I asked myself, what is mine? I still refused to get on stage. Vince used to bawl me out because I made Piper introduce the group.
After two years Piper moved to Los Angeles to launch his dancing career, and I let Vince take the troupe where he wanted it to go. He turned it around, adding twelve dancers and broke more ground in San Diego. Monique developed into a serious stage actress and we all lost touch. They were the sparklers in my life; like that star you think youโll never hold. I left the Jammers a different woman. They put the rhythm back in my spirit and soul.
When I recently located Vincent on an Actors website, I called him right away. He is a missing link in the chain of my life. Without that adventure, I might still be imitating the kind of business woman I wasnโt. We met in Los Angeles, and watched Vince perform in a club. He kept his vision and now acts on television and video. โ Lue, now you have to find Piper.โ
It was Piper, who said to me one day after reading some of my poetry, โ Lu, youโre not a dancer. Youโre a writer.โ
Any dice to throw Email: folliesls@aol.com
ADVENTURES IN EXPECTATIONS
โIt has been a time of writing for me. The doctors have all decided that my crippled leg must be amputated. They cannot do it right away because the hospitals are so full. So, in the nights of glare I just cuss out the doctors for making me wait, and cuss out my leg for hurting. I have read Sarah Bernhardt and her superb gallantry and courage have comforted me.โ From โIllumination & Night Glareโ by Carson McCullers.
More on the adventure in expectations.
I wonder how all of us really accept this incongruity of life. If we experience continuous disappointment, our inner oars, the ones that carry us over the tidal waves, must be accessible so we can bash back at the unsettling news, the absence of truth, the winter storms, the lagging economy, the pain of puttering, and expectations unrealized.
At a window table of Il Piatto, a favorite Italian bistro in Santa Fe, my friend Baron, (www.fotobaron.com) John (no website) and I fervently discussed the state of the people. What we observe, think, fear, and ruminate over at home when the lights are out, the street silent as a meadow, and shadows from winds through the winter branches play like puppets on the walls.
โBaron, if something doesnโt break soon—Iโm going to need anti-depressants, or heroin.โ
โHave you ever tried it?โ
โHeroin? No, never. I tried Prozac for a few weeks years ago. It was ineffective.โ
โLook, things are tough everywhere; the shops are closing, and the restaurants empty– look around. This is weird. And whereโs the god damn snow?โ
โItโs in New York. Rudy was there for a few days.โ
โWhat the hell for?โ
โCourt. And guess what? He flies across country on Monday, appears in court the next morning, and is asked, โWhy are you here?โ So you can see Rudy standing there in a cotton zip-up jacket, his face flushed with snow and wind. The judge informs Rudy he didnโt have to come to court.โ
โHowโs business for you?โ I asked.
โTerrible! I keep inventing new prints, new sizes, new shows, a book, you just gotta keep it going, LouLou.โ
โI keep it going; but it is beginning to feel like neat little circles.โ
John tipped his head, the tip of understanding between two writers whose fingers are bleeding, amongst a country of bloggers, Twitters, and Facebook fetish writing. We wait, as all writers and artists, and in these times, everyone must wait, until our soil is fertile, and the illumination returns.
โAny bites on the script?โ
โYes, we get them, and then you wait, you may wait two or three months to hear anything.โ
โLet me explain,โ John interjected. โ Itโs because ninety-nine percent of the scripts submitted are passed on, and the reason for that is the executive of creative development puts his job on the line when he green lights a script, so it had better be good!โ
โIn the interim, I repurpose the house as a vacation rental.โ
โThen where will you go?โ
โI donโt know.โ
โLouLou!โ
We talked about Egypt, Fox News, CNN, Tunisia, mobsters, photographers, business strategy, and the next Gallery LouLou event, a work in progress. There is visceral nourishment when you congregate over the same obdurate situations. The singular frustration festering inside is softened when commingled. We lingered over coffee, still unloading the burdens of a questionable wintry month.
That night John and I rushed through the front door, seeking warmth. I was on my way upstairs when I noticed a man with long black hair seated at my porch table. I could see his whole upper body through the drapeless French windows. His hand seemed as close to the door knob as my fingers are to this laptop.
โJOHNNNNNNNNNNN, thereโs a man on the porch!โ
Five โhurry upโsโ later, John came running into the living room.
He opened the front door and announced in his radio deep broadcast voice, โWeโre closed.โ John nodded several times, and closed the door.
โWhat were they doing?โ
โAttempting to light your kerosene lamp.โ
โWhy?โ
โThey thought the porch was charming.โ
A few days later, another man appeared on the porch, this one wandering back and forth. After all the times a wanderer has been loose on the porch, in the garden, at the front door asking where someone lived (they do that in Santa Fe), and then the night someone climbed on the porch and ripped off the Stratocaster guitar from the hook on the eaves (a rock n roll prop), I had to apply more caution than negligence. If someone wanted to assault me, my defense would be worthless. When all the girls started learning self-defense, and carrying tear gas in their purses, I started locking the doors. Though I am not expecting intruders and assaults, it feels like it is time to take responsibility for myself. The fear of being alone is more tormenting than loneliness.
โI brought the shot-gun. Are you ready to learn?โ
โYes.โ
TO BE CONTINUED



