DEATH AND LIBERATION COLLIDE


                              

It was her widespread, unrestrained, and contagious smile that I see when I think of her. Her expressive hand gestures seemed like separate limbs from her straight, head-held-high posture. Frankness, unpreparedness, and ebullience made her the embodiment of who I wish I were. 

I was on the phone with a friend when the news alert filled the screen, and a photo of her signature smile. 

โ€œ Oh my God!โ€

โ€œWhat?โ€ he asked.

In a voice trembling with shock, I replied, โ€œDiane Keaton died.โ€

โ€œ Whoa, how old was she?โ€

โ€œ Seventy-nine. She was the only contemporary actress I related to. I watched Baby Boom last week, so Keaton. It was like watching me if I had the same experiences. โ€œ

โ€œ She  was great in  The Godfather, not a lot of people would agree with that, but thatโ€™s my opinion.โ€

โ€œ I never thought of that. I watch it once a year. She was in an interview years ago, and the host asked,โ€ Why didnโ€™t you ever get married?โ€

With her arms opening like a double door, she exclaimed, โ€œ No one ever asked me!โ€

Her last post on Instagram is worth reading.โ€  

And in the same weekend, I think of this. We canโ€™t feel another personโ€™s sickness, or what itโ€™s like to sing if we donโ€™t sing, or fly like a pilot unless we’ve been one. We cannot imagine what it is like to be a hostage of Hamas.

I wandered about yesterday, in the gym, the veranda, and the lobby, and later, had appetizers in the restaurant. Two flat screens, football, the rest couples except the man next to me. I couldnโ€™t help but notice that he was three inches from me at the bar. A shrimp cocktail showed up, he ate voraciously, then a steak and a large flat potato sort of tortilla, a side of vegetables, and he ate enthusiastically, then a lobster plate, with more vegetables, and he ate, and then dessert. I left before it arrived, so I wouldnโ€™t swipe it from him.ย 

I wanted to say to someone, “The hostages are coming home!” ย I didnโ€™t. Diane Keaton would have! She lived with squamous cell cancer or many years. That explains the hats and turtlenecks.

ADVENTURES IN TRAVEL


Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels.com


I’ve been staying in a hotel during a short interim while  I decide where to move.

While I am in the hotel observing guests, their mannerisms, conversations, and facial expressions, I have come to the conclusion that we are not only on a fiscal cliff, we are on a sinking shore of wet sand. I see guests who’ve come for gambling, visiting relatives, exploring Upstate NY, and lapping up a vacation as if it were their first. They are thirsty for living the essence of comfort, congeniality, and the aspirations of autumn. Shed the withered and welcome the wild.  I see giddy faces and sluggish bodies weighted down by heavy tote bags. Some seem to shuffle like the very old or weak, from the pathway to the lobby. I was not excluded; by the time I checked into the hotel, my body was withered from having to move out of my home of twenty-five years.  All I wanted to do was sink into a bed and hang the Do Not Disturb notice on the door. Several guests are annoyed by too much information, too many alerts, too many scandals, and too much uncertainty. The adventure of livingness has a trajectory marked by misadventures.

In reading the WordPress posts, I’ve discovered the Travel blogs are the ones that revive my interest in the world I haven’t seen. These are the ones I read because they spark my passion for travel, rather than comfort and complacency. The Mediterranean has been stirring in my imagination ever since I researched the coastal splendor of all those portside villages. Thanks to you, travel bloggers, I made the decision. This is the year for Italy.  Now that it’s written, I must follow my word.

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    THE MIND HIKE


    ADVENTURES IN LIVINGNESS IS ON A HIKE. Not the physical kind that was once a weekly episode in New Mexico, these days I hike in my head, it’s as wobbly, uneven, rocky, and dangerous as a hike down the Gorge in Taos, NM.

    The path I’m hiking is set off by relocation, once the house sells, which is on the fingernail of being sold. Each morning as I wake to my dreamy bedroom, I am deranged by the thought of leaving twenty-five hundred square feet of Victorian victorious comfort.I will be downsizing to a six-hundred-square-foot studio. I used to love studios, but this house has drained that love, and now reality is staring me in the face, a word I despise as an admitted non-realist and dreamer. The path that follows this is where I am relocating to? Relocation is a trend, according to some minor research. Boomers move closer to their children. If you donโ€™t have children or a partner to bring out the compass and use a methodical ruler to figure this equation out, it comes down to finance. Thatโ€™s the ticker that keeps bringing me back to reality. I should not have left Del Mar, CA. Have you ever said that? Itโ€™s the inkblot on decisions when I thought everything I did would work out until it didnโ€™t. And Iโ€™d turn the steering wheel back to where I belong.ย  I do not belong here, and thatโ€™s not because of aversion or harsh judgment. Itโ€™s a marvel if you like three courses of simple conversation, activity, and entertainment. ย ย The weather and I do not get along, the summer is sticky, humid, and last week we were in double digits, one hundred. I spent a few days next to a non-effective window air conditioner with an ice washcloth on my head. In the winter, Iโ€™m in battle gear with four sweaters and shawls and all of that, not to mention the ice and snow that kept me frosty for months. You can take a girl out of Southern California, but sheโ€™ll come back.

    OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

     Borrowing from a post on FB, you spend the first thirty years of your life gathering possessions, and the next thirty years eliminating. Iโ€™m eliminating, sort of, I cruise by my ten boxes of books, and every day itโ€™s on the list to tape them closed. Then there are all the antique figurines, gambling paraphernalia, dรฉcor from the vacation rental days, and I think at last count, fifty hanging prints. I donโ€™t need to measure anything, this will not fit in a studio. Plus, I still have a storage unit in Santa Fe, filled with items I cannot remember. Is there such a thing as relocation therapy?

    FILM NOIR MESSENGER


    Photo by u041au0430u0440u0438u043du0430 u041au0430u0440u0436u0430u0432u0438u043du0430 on Pexels.com

    I watch film noir with an admitted addiction. The grainy black and white stillness, the music scores, the cinematography satisfies more than current cinema . The message comes through, live gracious, selfless, forgiving, brave, and passionate? As I feel these thoughts streaming along, the one that stabs like a knife is passion. That visceral sensibility has driven me throughout my life: about men, mystery, adventure, accomplishment, art, music, dancing, unfamiliar places and faces, and cafรฉ society rendezvous. A temporary grasp of glee. And when it ends, it goes like this.ย ย 

    Unprepared, who knows where
    The leaves will fall
    They donโ€™t plan
    Where to land

    Undisclosed strangers will walk in our paths.
    Cross our hearts and
    Tread on our minds ย 

    Uncertainly
    We traverse our heart’s discourse
    Shooting for dreams of undiscovered lands
    More weightless plans
    I donโ€™t know if I can see ahead

    My steps, like pebbles, follow the rush in the river
    On the edge of the quiver

    Skipping towards freedom
    In summer, rays of light
    Like a leaf, I break free from the branch,

    To land a launch.

    https://www.adl.org/what-we-do/fight-antisemitism


    In 2024, antisemitic incidents in the U.S. rose for the fourth consecutive year, reaching 9,354 total incidents. Behind these alarming statistics are real people. Hear about the antisemitism they faced.

    A LADY LIKE AUDREY


    EGO WORK OUT AT EQUINOX. 2018


        I walked into Century City Club Equinox, almost inserting myself into the spotless transparent glass door. Three young women at the counter, beaming youth in front of black walls that seem to suck me in. 

    โ€œIโ€™m here for the tour.โ€   A suited man in a large, rather luxurious office greets me with so much reserve and robotic gestures that I feel like running out.   I was led through a scintillating voluminous space, enveloped in floor-to-ceiling glass, streamed with sunlight and views of Westwood.   The members,  women attired in matching voluptuous outfits and personal trainers, lean as lions tossing funny equipment to the client, fastidious housekeepers, sterilizing and vacuuming in trendy uniforms. It was as if  I were watching a film production. 

    The treadmill cycle area was a bit crowded, and not one person didnโ€™t have a headset on, staring at the screen of choice.  The bathrooms were hotel accessorized, and even pumps were filled with Kiehl products. There was a steam room, make-up area, showers, all the necessities, and a few women were blowing their hair, all beautiful. 

    More rooms, a snack bar, shopping, pulsating music, and a closer look at the guests.

    โ€œ This is as upscale as you can get; youโ€™ll love it, and you’ll meet important people, Iโ€™m sure.โ€

    I listened to his closing argument and watched the bodies bend like pretzels as personal trainers raised and stretched their heads, arms, and legs.  Bodies bounced, climbed ropes, did flips, and hung upside down, like a circus act. After the close, a condescending smirk, that I read as, join, or go hang out with the losers at 24-hour fitness. 

     He handed me the contract, and I read it over.  The cost was more than Iโ€™ve ever spent. The way I looked at it was a place to work out and meet new people, although my instinct was that these were not my people.  I signed and walked out feeling dizzy again.  I stopped in a shoe store to look at what women were wearing.   The salesgirl kept complimenting me, and showing me shoes that she loved, and before I knew it, she sold me what I didnโ€™t come in to buy, high-top lace-up pink workout sneakers.  Leaving the Century City Satellite, beyond the construction and traffic, I raced home to recuperate. Whatโ€™s happened to me after living in a village in New Mexico, is that too much stimulation is now exasperating.

    I walked to Equinox for my first workout, hopped on the treadmill with weights, and tried to look perfectly comfortable, but I wasnโ€™t.ย  The vibe and everything about this ballroom of a gym seemed rehearsed. Maybe Iโ€™m too observant, trying too hard to fit in. I noticed so much in that hour. The workout is also a sort of performance, just a shade of competition between men and their weights, women straddling rubber balls, yoga mats, bench presses, and only a handful look like they need it. Men and women occupy the treadmill room; without expressions, they seem to live inside themselves.
    There is no conversation; it feels more like a convent. There is no hi, hey, or smile. I asked a trainer, โ€œItโ€™s not very social here. Why is that?โ€
    โ€œ These are the highest paid executives, lawyers, agents, actors, and they donโ€™t come in to socialize–they are only here to do the work-out.โ€
    Great move, Greta. Iโ€™m paying three hundred a month to be invisible.

    FAME & FAILURE


    SHAME IN SHY

    LIKE EYES OF A SPY

    HOWLING IN THE STREET

    A GUTTURAL CRY

    TO BE RECOGNIZED

    LIKE JAGGER AND DYLAN

    WHERE THEY DWELL

    THE SHEEP WILL FOLLOW

    CHASING PIECES OF THEIR PIE

    CLOAKED IN YOUR SUCCESS

    WE HOPE TO IMPRESS

    THE ONES WHO TOOK YOUR HAND

    TO THE PROMISE LAND.

    TO BE PASSED OVER BY THE GAME

    AND WATCH YOUR MASTERPIECE LAY IN BLAME

    NO ONE NOTICED

    YOU HAVE PASSION

    IN DARK FLAMES

    SHY IS A SHAME WHEN YOU ARE TOO PLAIN

    VALENTINE FRIENDS


    What I think of at three in the morning is never the same as at ten o’clock in the morning.ย  The labyrinth of safety and comfort, colliding with the unknown darkness, seems to be the most revealing of emotions. It is also a time that spirals into visual realizations and recognition, and a time when our mirrors move toward us.ย  Tonight is about friends.

    Friends are bookends that bind our stories; some novellas, some poems, some cinematic, each friend ย serves as a bookend to our personal history.ย  When Iโ€™ve lost my way and need direction my friends motorize me like a little engine, and when I fly without wings, they ring the bell to come down to earth. At times, arguments arise, and my friendships stray, but true-life friends never leave you behind. Sometimes, years may pass, and then one day, you get a call or an email or send one yourself,. The flushing of that particular squabble in history vanishes. You can start anew; at the same time, it is not.

    The essence of friendship never burns out. It is our galaxy, celestial agility. Are you experiencing a startling outpouring from friends whoโ€™ve left your life only to suddenly show up on your social media or a personal email? Are your friends calling and writing more often?ย  I’m constantly examining some unfamiliar events in life, a new trend, a cultural change. ย Seems like every topic can be mixed with politics, sometimes the mixture is explosive. Iโ€™ve halted the political discussions, and so have my friends, as they are more critical to my livingness than politics.

    PHOTO CREDIT PHILIP TOWNSEND. The first time the Beatles met the Maharajah.

    WHICH WAY TO TURN…IF


    Sunday thinking: future, plan, prepare, implement. What if I go West, East, North, or South? One at a time. I use it a lot; itโ€™s my mascot, mental disability. If I got over it, I would delete it from wherever it rose.  

    It reminds me of Rudyard Kipling’s If Poem. I am fearless one day and fearful the next, a collage of paradoxical thoughts. Emotions are my yellow brick road and also the vouchers of the victim. Iโ€™ve never been an A student of defensive tools; my acquiescence serves my need to be approved, which is so annoying.

    I am not going back to childhood experiences; that cathartic tunnel has been examined, and approval and cherishing is the pillow of my contentment.

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    THE END OF THE BOOK


    Edit

    I’ve ended my book. Now, the editing takes you to a critical, objective perspective. It’s like looking in the mirror of truth, wrinkled, obtuse sentences. If I had not had this manuscript to write, I would have stared out the window and thought about it. A wise man told me,’ Write every day,’ and so I have. A photo from the Santa Fe fine days is placed in my heart like a vessel. One of those days is the Wine and Chili Festival.

    Edit

    2William Winant and Nancy LeRoyilliam Winant and Nancy LeRoy

    SATISFYING PRINT ON AL SMILEY AT LAST: IN JEWISH POST & NEWS


    April 6, 2015

    Former Winnipegger Al Smiley had a close association with โ€œBugsyโ€ Siegel

    ย 

    ย 

    Al Smiley

    By MARTIN ZEILIG
    On the evening of June 20, 1947, less than six months after he opened the Flamingo Hotel-Casino in Las Vegas, Ben โ€œBugsyโ€ Siegel died in a barrage of bullets through the front windows while sitting on a couch in his Beverly Hills mansion at 810 Linden Drive. Assassinated at the age of 41, Siegel was one of the USAโ€™s most notorious gangsters.
    A former Winnipegger, Al Smiley (1907-1984) was with Siegel that evening.
    โ€œMy dad was seated inches away from Siegel, on the sofa, and took three bullets through the sleeve of his jacket,โ€ said Luellen Smiley, a creative non-fiction writer, award-winning newspaper columnist, and Mob historian who lives in Sante Fe, New Mexico.
    She consented to an interview with The Jewish Post & News earlier this winter.
    โ€œHe was brought in as a suspect. His photograph was in all the newspapers,โ€ said Luellen.
    โ€œHe was the only nonfamily member who had the guts to go to the funeral.โ€
    So who was Al Smiley?
    Born in Kiev, Ukraine in 1907 as Aaron Smehoff, Smiley and his family โ€“ father Hyman, mother Anne, sister Gertrude (who became a school teacher and lived in Winnipeg until her death many decades later), brothers Samuel and Benjamin โ€“ immigrated to Winnipeg when he was five, said Luellen Smiley, during a recent telephone interview with this reporter from her home in Sante Fe, New Mexico.
    โ€œMy grandfather was a kosher butcher and delicatessen owner,โ€ she continued, noting that the family home and butcher shop was located at 347 Aberdeen Avenue.
    โ€œHe maintained an Orthodox household and expected that his eldest son would become a rabbi. But, my father was rebellious and interested in sports, especially hockey.โ€
    This caused conflict between the willful youth and his rigid, religious father.
    So, the teenager fled Winnipeg for greener pastures in Detroit, Michigan via Windsor, Ontario in 1923.
    He got a job travelling with the Ringling Brothers Circus and ended up in California where he was arrested for a drugstore robbery in San Francisco and sent to Preston Reformatory School in Ione, California, Luellen noted.
    โ€œIt was there that he met legendary movie director Cecil B. DeMille,โ€ she said.
    โ€œHe was doing some sort of research for a movie. My father asked him for a job in the movie industry upon his release, and DeMille agreed. He found my dad work in a wardrobe department.
    He later became a property man, then a grip, the person in charge of production on a set, and eventually a producer.โ€
    He befriended celebrities like George Raft, Eddie Cantor, Clark Gable, Lauren Bacall, along with such gangster associates as Ben Siegel.
    โ€œIโ€™m pretty sure Dad met Ben through George Raft,โ€ Luellen Smiley speculated.
    With Siegelโ€™s help he opened a nightclub in L.A. sometime in the late 1930s.
    Smiley would later tell his daughter that Siegel was โ€œthe best friend I ever had.โ€
    In her soon-to-published memoir, excerpts of which she agreed to let this newspaper print, Luellen Smiley reveals the conflicted feelings she had growing up, and into later life too, about her father:
    โ€œSome children are silenced. The pretense is protection against people and events more powerful than them. As the daughter of Allen Smiley, associate and friend to Benjamin โ€˜Bugsyโ€™ Siegel, I was raised in a family of secrets.
    โ€œMy father is not a household name like Siegel, partly because he wore a disguise, a veneer of respectability that fooled most. It did not fool the government.
    โ€œWhen I was exposed to the truth by way of a book, I kept the secret, too. I was 13. My parents divorced, and five years later, my mother died. In 1966, I went to live with my father in Hollywood. I was forbidden to talk about our life: โ€˜Donโ€™t discuss our family business with anyone, and listen very carefully to what I say from now on!โ€™ But one night, he asked me to come into his room and he told me the story of the night Ben was murdered.
    โ€œWhen I was spared death, I made a vow to do everything in my power to reform, so that I could one day marry your mother.
    โ€œBen was the best friend I ever had. Youโ€™re going to hear a lot of things about him in your life. Just remember what I am telling you; heโ€™d take a bullet for a friend.
    โ€œAfter my father died, I remained silent, to avoid shame, embarrassment and questions. But 10 years later, in 1994, when I turned 40, I cracked the silence. I read every book in print โ€“ and out of print โ€“ about the Mafia. Allen Smiley was in dozens. He was a Russian Jew, a criminal, Bugsyโ€™s right-hand man, a dope peddler, pimp, a racetrack tout. I held close the memory of a benevolent father, wise counselor, and a man who worshipped me.
    โ€œI made a Freedom of Information Act request and obtained his government files. The Immigration and Naturalization Service claimed he was one of the most dangerous criminals in the country. They said he was Benjamin Siegelโ€™s assistant. They said he was poised to take over the rackets in Los Angeles. He didnโ€™t; he sold out his interest in the Flamingo, and he went to Houston to strike oil. I put the file away, and looked into the window of truth. How much more could I bear to hear?
    โ€œHe stowed away to America at 16, and was eventually doggedly pursued for never having registered as an alien. He had multiple arrests โ€“ including one for bookmaking in 1944, and another for slicing off part of the actor John Hallโ€™s nose in a fracas at Tommy Dorseyโ€™s apartment. He met my mother, Lucille Casey, at the Copacabana nightclub in 1943. She was onstage, dancing for $75 a week, and my father was in the audience, seated with Copa owner and mob boss Frank Costello.
    โ€œโ€˜I took one look, and I knew it was her,โ€™ was all he had told me on many occasions.
    โ€œOn a trip to the Museum of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences in Los Angeles, I was handed a large perfectly pristine manila envelope, and a pair of latex gloves with which to handle the file. Inside were black and white glossy MGM studio photographs, press releases, and biographies of my motherโ€™s career in film, including roles in โ€˜The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,โ€™ โ€˜Ziegfeld Follies of 1946,โ€™ โ€˜Meet Me in St. Louisโ€™ and โ€˜Harvey Girls.โ€™ She was written up in the columns, where later my father was identified as a โ€˜sportsman.โ€™ The woman who pressed my clothes, washed my hair, and made my tuna sandwiches was an actress dancing in Judy Garland musicals, while her own life was draped with film noir drama.
    โ€œMy father wooed her, and after an MGM producer gave her an audition, he helped arrange for her and her family to move to Beverly Hills, where she had steady film work for five years. He was busy helping Siegel expand the Western Front of the Costello crime family and opening the Flamingo casino in Las Vegas. They were engaged in 1946.
    โ€œStill, the blank pages of my motherโ€™s life did not begin to fill in until I met R.J. Gray. He found me through my newspaper column, โ€˜Smileyโ€™s Dice.โ€™
    โ€œOne day last year, R.J. sent me a book, โ€˜Images of America: The Copacabana,โ€™ by Kristin Baggelaar. There was my mother, captioned a โ€˜Copa-beauty.โ€™ Kristin organized a Copa reunion in New York last September. I went in place of my mother, but all day I felt as if she was seated next to me. I fell asleep that night staring out the hotel window, feeling a part of Manhattan history.
    โ€œNow, the silence is over. I donโ€™t hesitate to answer questions about my family. I have photographs of Ben Siegel in my home in Santa Fe, NM, just as my father did. Every few months I get e-mails from distant friends, or people who knew my dad.
    โ€œIt seems there is no end to the stories surrounding Ben and Al. I am not looking for closure. Iโ€™ve become too attached to the story. To me, he was a benevolent father, a wise counselor, and a man who worshipped me.โ€
    Luellen Smiley can be contacted via email: folliesls@aol.com

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