Memories are like walking on the sand. You try to walk over them, but they drag you in, and you can’t get out. You got to feel the sand, like memories, you got to walk through them, and know that you got them inside you. Like grains of sand that remain after you left the beach
Category: LIFESTYLE
SINGLE, UNMARRIED
DEL MAR
DEL MAR
THE pacific ocean stung me with awe. I miss her, she’ll see me tomorrow, when I dive in and embrace the currents, so many of them lately, the ocean is t he one I need now.
STARTING OVER
ADVENTURES

in beginnings. Starting over, and rewriting a life youโve lived many years is the same as re-writing a secret story. It takes the same blind courage.ย About half between forty and fifty years old, you hear people say, โItโs too late to start over,โย ย Itโs not true. Behavioral change is essential to living a full life.
In the middle of the night I woke up as if it was morning. When I looked out the window, an almost full moon, white as a laundered tablecloth, was staring back at me. It said, get up and write.ย I retreated to my corner of the world; a tiny room bathed in blush pink and gold, and I wrote.ย ย The moon watched.
JOHNNY ROSELLI, THE BENEVLOVENT BOSS
My dad was Johnny’s pal, close, like brothers, all through their life. Uncle Johnny
was my hero, he calmed my dad down, and he loved my mother because he knew she was a saint, and he was immensely religious.ย This is how I imagined his murder.
A blue Ford sedan with tinted windows pulled up in front of a bar in Biscayne Bay.ย The driver Tony, stared out the windshield looking beyond the boundaries made by man.ย Two of his men, sat in silence in the back seat. ย They were staring ahead, in the same mental latitude as the driver, with unblinking surgeon eyes. ย Tony turned off the ignition, and leaned back. The only sound came from the flapping of the bar screen door.
โMove,โ Tony ordered closing his eyes. Abe and Chuck exited the sedan in one long continuous motion as if they were tied together. Tony waited, without changing the position of his right hand on the leather coated steering wheel. He heard the bar door squeak as it opened. He could see Abe and Chuck entering the bar. He did not need to see them physically. This was stored in his memory. The single file procession into the bar, the attachment to the target, and the guarded exit. Tony checked the time on his pocket watch. The minutes went slowly. He lost his concentration, and was tumbling in memories; he filed them in two categories, the ones that belonged to the outfit, and the ones that belonged to him. He slipped back to the sixties, in Las Vegas, when the boys sat poolside at the Desert Inn and bit into olives handed to them by freshly polished show girls in bikinis.ย ย Then he saw Johnny, lounging at the pool, his crown of white hair perfectly combed. He was surrounded by showgirls. The dames loved Johnny. He was better than any Hollywood movie star.
Then the door to the passenger side opened. Tony glanced at the blue gabardine slacks, and Gucci loafers. ย He could smell Johnny, even before he got in the car. His scent was recognizable, as if heโd been born wearing Boucheron.
โFor crying out loud boys–I was just getting
an erection. โ
Johnny turned to Tony, the man he met twenty years ago when he was a driver for Santos Trafficante, the Mafia Don in Florida.ย Johnny slapped his knee and wheezed through his laughter. Tony couldnโt return the glance, or the laughter
โTony! Whatโs the long face for, are we going to a funeral?โ Tony shook his head from left to right. He gripped the steering wheel, afraid he might put his fist right through the windshield. Johnny nudged his rib.
โLoosen up, youโll miss the target.โย Tony reached into his breast pocket.
โHave a cigar Johnny, fresh from Castro. The same brand you tried to poison him with remember?โ Tonyโs forcedย laughter sounded hollow.
โHell, that wasnโt my idear; you guys are still screwing up the story. ย Thatโs your problem, it youโre gonna squeal at least tell it the way it happened.โ
โYou shouldnโt talk bout squealing Johnny,โ Chuck interrupted.
โShut your trap,โ Tony snapped.ย Johnny did not appear to hear the comments, or if he did chose not to recognize the remarks of the backseat thug.
Johnny took the cigar and fingered it. He twirled it around with two fingers, and then placed it under his nostrils and inhaled deeply.
โDoc says no more–not if Iโm gonna live without an oxygen tank tucked into my pocket. How โbout that? I even gave up the cigars when I moved down here. I canโt afford them anymore.โ His laughter came easy, the way it always did.
โJohnny……I,โ Tony stuttered.
โDid you hear the joke about the Italian and the Jew?โ Tony nodded yes, but Johnny began telling the joke anyway. Tony turned the ignition on and drove away from town, slowly like they do in a funeral procession. They left the parts of the city ruled by law and order. ย The white villas shaded by palms, and guarded security gates. They descended into the pit of the buried past, the old rail yards, the site of hollow industrial buildings and warehouses. From there Tony entered an abandoned parking lot inside a junkyard, piled high with tin and steel parts. At one time they were valuable, like Johnny. Those days were gone, the junk piled up, just like dead Mafia Dons.
The sky dimmed in these parts of town, the shadows from the freeway overpass blocked the late crimson sunlight. Johnny was quiet now, sitting calmly with his hands folded together in his lap. His facial muscles relaxed, the jokes were over now. His mind was elsewhere.
โThe son of a bitch gave me no choice John! Iโm sure dead too if I ….โ Tony stammered.
โStop your babbling, Iโm not your priest. I got a few orders for you. I want you to get word to Smiley, before anyone, you hear me. Donโt call his home; heโs got a private service. Iโll give you the number when Iโm finished.ย Heโll know what to tell my sister. Heโs a born messenger of bad news. Had to do it too many times.โ
โHow long you known we was coming?โย Tony asked solemnly.
โJust as long as Iโve been taking orders. Tony my boy, I didnโt think Iโd go out like Brando in the movie. How long has it been now? …forty-five years. Thatโs a long life in these shoes.ย The whole mess is running through my head Tony, as we sit here, itโs like a movie rewinding. You want to know the best of it; I mean the one moment worth remembering. The first night I walked into the Mayflower Hotel as a guest of Capone. My first big shindig was a coming out party for Joey Lewisโs big fight.ย I was so impressed with Ricca back then, I tried to mimic him. Must have looked like a soiled fool. I thought I had a smart suit on until I got to the party, and took a look around. Suddenly I felt like a paisano clown. I said to myself, Iโll never know this again; never will I feel less than the people around me. Capone treated me good in the beginning, all that money he threw around…..ย It impressed Rockefeller.โ
โJohnny itโs getting late,โ Tony interrupted.
โCapone was puffed up that night, shaking hands with Walker and the boys at Tammany Hall. We were all one then, the politicians and the boys. I donโt know how the thing got so screwed up.โย The car came to an abrupt stop, and the back door opened. Chuck got out and stretched his legs. Johnny glanced at him, โSee, no respect anymore.ย I would have diced his fingers off in the old days. Get out of the car Abe; go polish your piece or something,โ Johnny ordered, and then continued his story.
โThat was the night Tony, the best of everything all night and I didnโt sleep for a day afterward because I was so swollen with myself. It sounds silly now.โ Just as Tony tipped his head in memoryโs path, Johnny clapped his hands loudly. Tony shuddered as Johnny knew he would.
โLemme see the equipment,โ He ordered tossing the sentiment out of his voice. He turned his steely blue eyes on Tony and waited.
โThey loaded me up, like I was going to a massacre. Theyโre still afraid of you John. Even now I have to say.โ Tony rattled; heโd lost the last bit of dry eyed machismo.
โThatโs a relief.โย Johnny answered.
Tony got out of the car and hopped around the front to open the door for Johnny.ย He felt queasy in his stomach like the first time he had a hit. He watched Johnny now, knowing it would be some story to tell. ย First Johnny scanned his surroundings, like the eye of the camera.ย He could take in distant angles without moving a muscle. He could estimate the distance of things, the entrances, and exits of buildings without appearing to even look at that direction. He closed his eyes for a minute. They all watched, and waited.
โYou fellas been here earlier?โ Johnny shouted.ย The three men exchanged a mutual questioning glance. Johnny shook his head in disgust.
โHow can you show up at a location without knowing every rock and puddle?ย Christ! Am I gonna have to shoot myself? Show me the equipment before I scare you off.โ
Tony reluctantly unlocked the trunk of the car.ย Johnny stepped forward, pushing Abe and Chuck out of the way.
โLooks like a lot of machinery for a seventy year old veteran. Whatta they think, someoneโs gonna drop down here with back up and take you boys on. What the hell are the knives for?โ Abe and Chuck rocked nervously on their heels. Tony hunched over, as if drawing breath from the ground.
โTony!โ Johnny yelled.
โIโm sick Johnny …. lemme catch my breath.โ
โYea, you do that, while Abe and Chuck sharpen the knives. Go on fellas get your pieces.โ
โJohnny, we have orders,โ Tony whispered
โFrom who?ย I donโt care if you skin me!ย I want to know who gave the order!โ
โItโs not who you think Johnny, I could hardly believe it myself.โ Johnny moved closer to Tony, he stroked his back, and whispered, โI promise I wonโt tell pal,โ he said squeezing Tonyโs balls.
โThe order came from the White House; they called Santos, and told him to take care of it. Johnny I canโt go through it, I canโt do it.โย Then he fell to his knees and clutched Johnnyโs leg, sobbing.
โItโs all right Tony, get up and give it to me the way they asked.โ
โWeโll clean you out first shot,โ Abe interjected. Again Johnny did not acknowledge the comment.ย He reached out and put his hands on Tonyโs shoulders, and looked him in the eye.
โItโs bad, they got cement donโt they?โ
โOh Christ! let me take this all back.ย I canโt do what they ask. They want us to chop the legs, get you inside a steel drum, and in the water.โ Tony suddenly heaved up, and vomited, sobbing at the same time.
โJesus Christ Tony, youโre disgusting,โ Abe shouted. He took a cigarette from his pocket. Johnny turned slowly around and glared at the bridge of his nose. He locked in on the spot, and gradually walked toward him. He reached for Abeโs pistol, a 357 magnum and holding it in Abeโs hand guided the pistol until it was pointing directly into his eyes.
โIf youโre in a hurry, go ahead and shoot me now.โย Abe turned sideways. Then he dropped his aim, and walked away. Johnny leaned against the car, and wiped his brow.ย ย ย ย โLet me alone for awhile; take a walk, all of you.โ He ordered.
Tony pulled himself up and wiped his mouth.ย That was the least he could do, give the boss one last moment. He signaled for Abe and Chuck to follow and they headed towards one of the abandoned warehouses.ย Johnny waited until they were exactly thirty-five feet off.ย Then he slid into the car, and turned on the ignition.ย In a whirl of smoky dirt, he spun the car around three times, and flew past the boys, laughing his head off.ย He didnโt stop laughing until he reached the airport. He left the car, and ran all the way to the reservation desk of Air Italia.ย Perspiring and short of breath, he said to the pretty young clerk.ย โOne way ticket please, to Palermo…. Sicily.โ Johnny was going home.

Reference: All American Mafioso, The Johnny Roselli Story. ย By: Ed Becker.
My responsibility as a writer is to assure people taking a chance in life is the only way to live, and so โฆ I throw the dice.
OUR INTERIOR LIVES.
We hear our voice utter in youth, in our exuberance for life without doubt. In adolescence we begin to question, every nuance, expression, thought and answer.
Thenย during our academic or wandering career years it is subordinated, for to-do lists, obligatory appearances, exams, false presentations, social expectations, ambition, competition, and a eagerness to achieve. A distortion of our inner voice emerges.
Until one day, a reminder drops in your lap, and you ask yourself, ‘ WHERE HAVE I STRAYED?ย
This is about returning to the forever young paradigm.
Thanks for all your comments and contributions!
EDITING A LIFE

Many years ago, after my friend, Voice of Reason read my book of poems, he said to me, โ I was a little embarrassed, it was like looking at you naked.โ
Truth, itโs almost become an abstraction of the truth. Where did it go? Does it fade with age, or get reshaped by our life experiences?ย If everyone is lying, then why not join up?ย I was never a convincing liar. Yes I can stumble through incendiary confrontations, like you have to when, youโre attacked for a simple mistake, filling out applications, balancing money, returning items. I am talking about the truth in relationships, your art or business.ย Itโs tempting to reinvent the truth.ย That is why it is one of theย Ten Commandments.
I could write about the last road trip to San Diego, and the little sign that said Jack Ass Acres, or about all the new gangster movies, or what Iโve observed happening in the interior world of people Iโve met.ย The truth is, that one of my foremost characteristics is truth, and that is what speeds up the pen when I am writing, and talking, because I like to dig out the top soil and get to the roots. ย Here goes.
Since my lover left, in a hurry, practically skidded out the driveway, back in January, ย mornings and evenings feel like thunder storms in my heart. These are the moments that keep infringing on my perception. Itโs like being crippled emotionally, leaning on the old crutches of what he did wrong, what I did wrong, what the world did wrong.ย Answers percolate, but they never satisfy the gap between the truth and my imagination. ย So, as any hot blooded Russian Irish woman would do, after five months of reclusive living, I got very angry, cynical, anxious, depressed, offensive, impatient, and talked myself out of the gift of life.
In this precarious state of mind, the tiniest disappointment inflates the size of a monster, and the big disappointments, just send me back to TCM to Robert Mitchum week.ย As it happened, the big billboard answer came on a lovely breezy night, sitting on the portal of Geronimo, with White Zen and Rudy. My cynics and sharp-tongued wit drew a lot of laughter, and my company appreciated the humor, but I was reminded of something, that wasnโt funny, it was frightening.
I was imitating those women, whom I met, every Thanksgiving when Dad pulled me into a be dazzling party scene at the home of his attorney. Every year there was this one woman who sat at the bar and mixed lifeโs lessons with the worst elements of human behavior. She was the queen of cynicism, and at the time, I was keenly observing of her, and sympathetic, painfully attached to understanding what she was so angry about.ย I had not been hurt yet.
The final siren of my digression came while Rudy and I were driving out to San Diego. Somewhere along Highway 17, the fields turned into rows of Saguaro Cactus.ย They didnโt look like Cactus; I perceived them as hands, flipping me off! I turned to Rudy and said, โYou know my head is not working properly.โ
Landing in San Diego meant I would meet with my GP at Scripps Clinic for the routine round.ย ย The visit lasted longer, I told her, that my real sickness was mental. ย She took a serious interest in my babbling, and emptying out the garbage Iโd held back for so long. ย No, I have not been on any joy pills, or anxiety pills, or anything, so when she suggested a prescription to add, serotonin to my brain, I accepted her advice.
โDo you see a lot of patients with these symptoms?
โEighty percent of my clients come in for anxiety and depression. Youโre not alone.โ
Today is day three of pills, and the roses are waving at me. My motor is running smoother, and ย ย I am not ย ย ย ย angry. This is an arguable confession, because I used to sneer at pill poppers for corrective behavior. Psychotherapy was instrumental in my life at one time, and I will use it again when I meet the right therapist.
Truth, about facing what we need to edit and revise cannot be shaded or ignored. If weโre not honest with ourselves, why should we be with others?
It is a day later, and while I was reading the WSJ online, I landed on this article; Why We Lie? Dan Ariely
โWe tend to think that people are either honest or dishonest. In the age of Bernie Madoff and Mark McGwire, James Frey and John Edwards, we like to believe that most people are virtuous, but a few bad apples spoil the bunch. If this were true, society might easily remedy its problems with cheating and dishonesty. Human-resources departments could screen for cheaters when hiring. Dishonest financial advisers or building contractors could be flagged quickly and shunned. Cheaters in sports and other arenas would be easy to spot before they rose to the tops of their professions.
But that is not how dishonesty works. Over the past decade or so, my colleagues and I have taken a close look at why people cheat, using a variety of experiments and looking at a panoply of unique data setsโfrom insurance claims to employment histories to the treatment records of doctors and dentists. What we have found, in a nutshell: Everybody has the capacity to be dishonest, and almost everybody cheatsโjust by a little. Except for a few outliers at the top and bottom, the behavior of almost everyone is driven by two opposing motivations. On the one hand, we want to benefit from cheating and get as much money and glory as possible; on the other hand, we want to view ourselves as honest, honorable people. Sadly, it is this kind of small-scale mass cheating, not the high-profile cases, that is most corrosive to society. โ
MOTHER’S DIARY
MOTHER’S DIARY
The diary my mother never wrote is from what I read in theย FBI surveillance reports,ย newspaper articles and what my father told me.ย My motherโs emotionโs and thoughts erupt from years of research, intuition and imagination.ย When I was eleven she gave me a diary. I’ve been writing ever since. I wanted my daughter or son to understand who I was, in case I died young like her. Instead I became dedicated to writing not childbearing.
I think every mother should keep a diary for her children.
Manhattan, December 1944
I am dancing at the Copacabana Night club for the next few weeks. This tiny smoky club is filled with many interesting people. Itโs different from any modeling job.
Iโm tired after working all day and night, and then taking the train back home to West Orange. Some of the girls are staying at the Barbizon Hotel, so I may also if itโs not too expensive.
Last night, a group of men were seated in the front row. I didnโt know who they were, but this one stared at me all through the show. He sent a bouquet of long-stemmed roses backstage and asked me to meet him for a drink.
When I declined, he was very insistent, and so persuasive I gave in. Later on, I found out he was seated with Frank Costello, the gangster. His name is Allen, and he asked me to dine with him the following night. I hesitated again, and Iโm not sure why. He made me laugh and entertained everyone at the table.
January 1944
A talent agent from Hollywood came to the Copa to see all of us dance. Mum is so excited she is already telling everyone in town, I hate when she does this.
Allen called and I agreed to dine with him. We went to El Morocco. He knows so many people. He says heโs in the film business, but thereโs talk amongst the girls that heโs a gangster.
March 1944
Iโm going to Hollywood for an audition. Swifty Lazar, the one that came to the Copa to see our show, said MGM is signing musical actors. They liked my photos. Allen lives in Hollywood, and is handling all the details. Heโs become very interested in my career. Itโs all so sudden. There isnโt time to think.
April 1944
I spent a week in Hollywood. Allen drove me all over the city, took me to Santa Monica to see the ocean, to the nightclubs on Sunset Boulevard, and Beverly Hills.
Itโs like a dream. I love the city, and MGM has offered me a contract. Again, Allen is helping me make decisions and understand the film business. I donโt know what he does, but he carries a lot of cash. He gets very disturbed when I question him. I met his friend Benjamin Siegel. They are both so handsome and get anything they want.
Summer 1944
We are moving out to California next month. Allen found an apartment in Beverly Hills for us, near where sister Pat can go to High School. Sheโs so excited. One of the models told me Ben Siegel is a gangster. I wish Allen would open up to me more.
When we moved, our new apartment was on a beautiful street. The apartment is smaller than home, and Mum misses her garden, but she seems happy. She found a Church she likes. She is going to learn to drive.
I have already learned to drive and am saving for a car. Allen knows someone who sells cars, and said he can get me a very good deal. Sometimes, I donโt hear from him for a week, and then he shows up on the studio set with presents.
Allen, Ben and George Raft were arrested for bookmaking. George called and said it wasnโt like the papers wrote, and that Allen would call me when he could.
Iโm not to discuss this with anyone. I hid the paper from Mum.
George took me out to dinner. He wants me to be in a movie with him called Nocturne. Heโs very fond of Allen and said not to believe what I read in the papers.
Next week we begin filming โZiegfeld Follies.โ Fred Astaire is magnificent to watch. Life is spinning. There is no time to read, or even think. Everyone in Hollywood wants to be a star. I still daydream of going to college one day.
November 1944
I am in love with Allen. There is no turning back. He is Jewish, and his family lives in Winnipeg, Canada. He wonโt talk of them, but said he loved his mother.
I wonder so often about his life, but I cannot ask questions. Maybe one day heโll trust me more. Heโs suspicious of everyone. He said heโs going to marry me when his life settles down.
THE MEMOIR IN PROGRESS
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย MY HOODLUM SAINT
WHERE TO BEGIN THIS STORY OF A FATHER THAT I ONLY CAME TO UNDERSTAND BY READING HIS FBI FILES, BOOKS ABOUT MOB HISTORY WRITTEN BY LAW ENFORCEMENT AND COLLEGE PROFESSORS, AND DOCUMENTARIES PRODUCED BY FOES OF MY FATHER.
My last year with Dad was 1981. Naive, and unconcerned with where I was headed, or how Iโd get there if I figured it out,ย I was spinning around in an executive chair; waiting for the big hand on the black and white office clock to set me free.ย Time didnโt pass; I hauled it over my head, in my bland windowless office, under florescent glare. I was trouble shooting for an ambitious group of USC guys as they gobbled up all of Los Angeles real estate. Without any real sense of survival or independence, my life was in the hands of my father.
โMeyerโs coming to see me; havenโt seen the little guy in twenty-five years.โ ย ย Dad said during a commercial break.
โMeyer Lansky?โ I asked as casually as heโd spoken.
โWho else?โ
โWhy did you two wait so long?โ
โItโs no concern of yours; heโs my friend, not yours.โ I was twenty-nine years old and still verbally handcuffed.
The three of us went out to dinner, and while the two of them spoke in clipped short wave syndicate code, I
noticed that neither one of them looked at all happy.ย It was rare to catch my father in public with a friend, without raucous laughter, and storytelling.ย My attempt to revive the dinner conversation with my own humor,returned two sets of silent eyeball commands to resist speaking.
Several months later I received a call from Dad asking me to come over to his apartment, he had collapsed on the bathroom floor. ย When I arrived, he pleaded for me to stay close by.ย ย โIโll be all right in a few minutes; I just need to catch my breath. โย I sat outside the bathroom door biting my nails, and waited, like our dog Spice, for my orders. For the first time in my life, he was weaker than I, and my turmoil centered on that unfamiliar reversal of roles.
OBSERVATIONS
“THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE MAFIA”

Growing up the daughter of a gangster meant that I would remain a ย little girl forever. My father died when I was 29, but emotionally I was still a teenager.
Had I had known that I was seated next to one of the most powerful and influential men in theย Mafia, Johnny Roselli, ย then I would have listened with sharpened ears, and repeated bits of explosive headline blood curdling stories to my girlfriends. That would have placed myself, my father, Johnny and my friends in jeopardy. An informant from the government may tag me on the way home from school, or tag one of my friends, ย or an enemy of the Boss, may pick me up from school and not bring me back.ย Everyone is suspect: an informant, or weak enough to become an informant, a loose lipped wise guy, a bragging connected businessman, a friend of a friend, a cousin of a brother, and a daughter of a gangster. We are all potential targets of this organization known as the Mafia, Mob, syndicate, Costa Nostra, or our thing.ย Growing up in this circle of gamblers, killers, fixers, enforcers, ย bookies was like growing up in a novel, it was a fictional tale all the way, until the end of my fatherโs life.ย ย ย There is a drop down board that appears every time I write about our family business that reads,
โ How dare you open my life to the world, what do you know? You know nothing little sweetheart, and thatโs the way I planned it. โ
โThereโs no such thing as the Mafia! If you ever mention that word again, youโre leaving this house!โย ย I melted down to the floor, and he was ominous as God standing over me. I would never mention the word again, I promised, and I would never believe in the Mafia.ย ย ย


