TRUTH OR TALE


WHY DO WE LIE?

When do we begin to lie about our lives:, feelings, fears, and mistakes? I ask this because of simple observation, knowing when someone is not telling me their truth. I remain silent; it’s not my way to ask why you lie to me?  It’s like a social-cultural mask. I’ve always sought to know the truth. Why should we shield our traumas and hardships more than our triumphs and accomplishments? Do you know who does not lie? ART and SPORTS. That is why we listen to music, read books, go to galleries and museums, watch films, go to the theater, and go to dance performances. I cannot comment on sports because I’m not a spectator, although I love basketball.

We, and I mean this in only a visceral sense, do not believe politicians, news, social media, or advertisements. We want to, but deep in our inner truth, we know it is the manipulation of our individual thoughts and choices. That is why I trust art to deepen my understanding of the human condition. Thank you to all the artists and athletes who share their pain and glory.

POP-UP POEM


He pushed her on a swing, so high she touched the sky, viewed the world through his eyes, lived for a time without lies, then as mystically as he appeared, he let go of the swing, and she fell on her wing, broken but with the will to begin again. A broken heart hasnโ€™t stopped her from loving him.

For ten days, just thinking of her spoken words, how they made their way to his ears and returned the sounds she so wanted to hear. When he stopped contacting her, she wiped her tears as some people find love at the core of their fears.

TRIBUTE TO LA POSADA DE SANTA FE, SANTA FE, NM


CHRISTMAS 2013 AT LA POSADA

MAY 2017

It is the Kentucky Derby and Cinco De Mayo weekend at La Posada.  Kristen from the hotel said I should go; it would be fun. Sheโ€™s a feisty young woman with clear, penetrating blue eyes and silky brown hair. Youth dances in her expressions; other times, it wilts from being locked down to an indoor job.  Sheโ€™s an adventurer who camps out in Belize and South America. Now, sheโ€™s talking about Antigua.  

I walked out to the courtyard to see what was going on.  The tables werenโ€™t set up yet, but the Donkey stood idly and annoyed at the other end of the yard. I donโ€™t know why they bring him, maybe for the kids.  In the bar, a few guests were watching the Derby. The elan of race anticipation is shining like a light. I ordered a Mint Julep, and the guys were all watching as Dude whipped it up with finesse.

โ€œ How is it?โ€ Dude asked without needing any approval. 

โ€œ Magical.  Who are you betting on? Greta asked.

โ€œI want a Titty Tut, something nasty.โ€

โ€œ Oh, stop that. You do it too much.โ€ She replied.

โ€œ Not nearly enough! Okay, hereโ€™s my horseโ€”Promises Fulfilled. Oh yes, thatโ€™s mine.โ€

โ€œ Everything you say is a metaphor for sex.โ€

โ€œ You bet it is.โ€ Whoโ€™s your pick?โ€

โ€œ My prick is Justify.โ€

โ€œHah, see, now you get it.โ€

I sipped my drink and wandered around the lobby, stopping to greet Jackie, Monserrat, and Danielle.  They donโ€™t know what their smiles and caring comments do for me. I must tell them more often. 

โ€œ I donโ€™t know what Iโ€™d do without all of you.โ€ To be continued.

JUST LIFE


Adventures in livingness aren’t just about extroversion, what we say, how we behave, or how we respond. More importantly, they are about our inner changes when life demands that from us. No one hears what threads are spoken in our heads, the ones that are flawed from indecisiveness, the ones that have been molded from things long past, the new threads that are unfamiliar, and the ones we need to rip out entirely.ย 

SATISFYING PRINT ON AL SMILEY AT LAST: IN JEWISH POST & NEWS


April 6, 2015

Former Winnipegger Al Smiley had a close association with โ€œBugsyโ€ Siegel

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Al Smiley

By MARTIN ZEILIG
On the evening of June 20, 1947, less than six months after he opened the Flamingo Hotel-Casino in Las Vegas, Ben โ€œBugsyโ€ Siegel died in a barrage of bullets through the front windows while sitting on a couch in his Beverly Hills mansion at 810 Linden Drive. Assassinated at the age of 41, Siegel was one of the USAโ€™s most notorious gangsters.
A former Winnipegger, Al Smiley (1907-1984) was with Siegel that evening.
โ€œMy dad was seated inches away from Siegel, on the sofa, and took three bullets through the sleeve of his jacket,โ€ said Luellen Smiley, a creative non-fiction writer, award-winning newspaper columnist, and Mob historian who lives in Sante Fe, New Mexico.
She consented to an interview with The Jewish Post & News earlier this winter.
โ€œHe was brought in as a suspect. His photograph was in all the newspapers,โ€ said Luellen.
โ€œHe was the only nonfamily member who had the guts to go to the funeral.โ€
So who was Al Smiley?
Born in Kiev, Ukraine in 1907 as Aaron Smehoff, Smiley and his family โ€“ father Hyman, mother Anne, sister Gertrude (who became a school teacher and lived in Winnipeg until her death many decades later), brothers Samuel and Benjamin โ€“ immigrated to Winnipeg when he was five, said Luellen Smiley, during a recent telephone interview with this reporter from her home in Sante Fe, New Mexico.
โ€œMy grandfather was a kosher butcher and delicatessen owner,โ€ she continued, noting that the family home and butcher shop was located at 347 Aberdeen Avenue.
โ€œHe maintained an Orthodox household and expected that his eldest son would become a rabbi. But, my father was rebellious and interested in sports, especially hockey.โ€
This caused conflict between the willful youth and his rigid, religious father.
So, the teenager fled Winnipeg for greener pastures in Detroit, Michigan via Windsor, Ontario in 1923.
He got a job travelling with the Ringling Brothers Circus and ended up in California where he was arrested for a drugstore robbery in San Francisco and sent to Preston Reformatory School in Ione, California, Luellen noted.
โ€œIt was there that he met legendary movie director Cecil B. DeMille,โ€ she said.
โ€œHe was doing some sort of research for a movie. My father asked him for a job in the movie industry upon his release, and DeMille agreed. He found my dad work in a wardrobe department.
He later became a property man, then a grip, the person in charge of production on a set, and eventually a producer.โ€
He befriended celebrities like George Raft, Eddie Cantor, Clark Gable, Lauren Bacall, along with such gangster associates as Ben Siegel.
โ€œIโ€™m pretty sure Dad met Ben through George Raft,โ€ Luellen Smiley speculated.
With Siegelโ€™s help he opened a nightclub in L.A. sometime in the late 1930s.
Smiley would later tell his daughter that Siegel was โ€œthe best friend I ever had.โ€
In her soon-to-published memoir, excerpts of which she agreed to let this newspaper print, Luellen Smiley reveals the conflicted feelings she had growing up, and into later life too, about her father:
โ€œSome children are silenced. The pretense is protection against people and events more powerful than them. As the daughter of Allen Smiley, associate and friend to Benjamin โ€˜Bugsyโ€™ Siegel, I was raised in a family of secrets.
โ€œMy father is not a household name like Siegel, partly because he wore a disguise, a veneer of respectability that fooled most. It did not fool the government.
โ€œWhen I was exposed to the truth by way of a book, I kept the secret, too. I was 13. My parents divorced, and five years later, my mother died. In 1966, I went to live with my father in Hollywood. I was forbidden to talk about our life: โ€˜Donโ€™t discuss our family business with anyone, and listen very carefully to what I say from now on!โ€™ But one night, he asked me to come into his room and he told me the story of the night Ben was murdered.
โ€œWhen I was spared death, I made a vow to do everything in my power to reform, so that I could one day marry your mother.
โ€œBen was the best friend I ever had. Youโ€™re going to hear a lot of things about him in your life. Just remember what I am telling you; heโ€™d take a bullet for a friend.
โ€œAfter my father died, I remained silent, to avoid shame, embarrassment and questions. But 10 years later, in 1994, when I turned 40, I cracked the silence. I read every book in print โ€“ and out of print โ€“ about the Mafia. Allen Smiley was in dozens. He was a Russian Jew, a criminal, Bugsyโ€™s right-hand man, a dope peddler, pimp, a racetrack tout. I held close the memory of a benevolent father, wise counselor, and a man who worshipped me.
โ€œI made a Freedom of Information Act request and obtained his government files. The Immigration and Naturalization Service claimed he was one of the most dangerous criminals in the country. They said he was Benjamin Siegelโ€™s assistant. They said he was poised to take over the rackets in Los Angeles. He didnโ€™t; he sold out his interest in the Flamingo, and he went to Houston to strike oil. I put the file away, and looked into the window of truth. How much more could I bear to hear?
โ€œHe stowed away to America at 16, and was eventually doggedly pursued for never having registered as an alien. He had multiple arrests โ€“ including one for bookmaking in 1944, and another for slicing off part of the actor John Hallโ€™s nose in a fracas at Tommy Dorseyโ€™s apartment. He met my mother, Lucille Casey, at the Copacabana nightclub in 1943. She was onstage, dancing for $75 a week, and my father was in the audience, seated with Copa owner and mob boss Frank Costello.
โ€œโ€˜I took one look, and I knew it was her,โ€™ was all he had told me on many occasions.
โ€œOn a trip to the Museum of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences in Los Angeles, I was handed a large perfectly pristine manila envelope, and a pair of latex gloves with which to handle the file. Inside were black and white glossy MGM studio photographs, press releases, and biographies of my motherโ€™s career in film, including roles in โ€˜The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,โ€™ โ€˜Ziegfeld Follies of 1946,โ€™ โ€˜Meet Me in St. Louisโ€™ and โ€˜Harvey Girls.โ€™ She was written up in the columns, where later my father was identified as a โ€˜sportsman.โ€™ The woman who pressed my clothes, washed my hair, and made my tuna sandwiches was an actress dancing in Judy Garland musicals, while her own life was draped with film noir drama.
โ€œMy father wooed her, and after an MGM producer gave her an audition, he helped arrange for her and her family to move to Beverly Hills, where she had steady film work for five years. He was busy helping Siegel expand the Western Front of the Costello crime family and opening the Flamingo casino in Las Vegas. They were engaged in 1946.
โ€œStill, the blank pages of my motherโ€™s life did not begin to fill in until I met R.J. Gray. He found me through my newspaper column, โ€˜Smileyโ€™s Dice.โ€™
โ€œOne day last year, R.J. sent me a book, โ€˜Images of America: The Copacabana,โ€™ by Kristin Baggelaar. There was my mother, captioned a โ€˜Copa-beauty.โ€™ Kristin organized a Copa reunion in New York last September. I went in place of my mother, but all day I felt as if she was seated next to me. I fell asleep that night staring out the hotel window, feeling a part of Manhattan history.
โ€œNow, the silence is over. I donโ€™t hesitate to answer questions about my family. I have photographs of Ben Siegel in my home in Santa Fe, NM, just as my father did. Every few months I get e-mails from distant friends, or people who knew my dad.
โ€œIt seems there is no end to the stories surrounding Ben and Al. I am not looking for closure. Iโ€™ve become too attached to the story. To me, he was a benevolent father, a wise counselor, and a man who worshipped me.โ€
Luellen Smiley can be contacted via email: folliesls@aol.com

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https://wordpress.com/post/odysseyofadventures.com/11523


ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  WW11 SURVIVOR’S VOW TO GOD ย 

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Part Two.   Solana Beach Morrocan Bungalow 2003. Maurice was 84

            Maurice married the love of his life on December 25, 1941. They married in December because Maurice had saved one thousand dollars and made one hundred dollars a month. Agnes, his girlfriend in Grant, Iowa, is the woman who led Maurice out to Rancho Santa Fe, California, from his home in Grant. She and her father worked for Ronald McDonald, a prestigious resident in the ranch. She was responsible for housekeeping and cooking, and her father was the chauffeur.  

            Agnes and Maurice went to the US Grant Hotel for dinner and stayed at the Paris Inn on Kettner Avenue in San Diego.  The following day Agnes went off to work. Maurice stayed in the little guest house she occupied on the McDonald property. Two days later Maurice received his draft notice.  On December 31, he left his new bride and reported for duty in Escondido.   He had one short visit before he left for overseas.  Then, the next time he would see her, he would be changed. 

            Buna

            One summer evening, I was sitting on Mauriceโ€™s front porch.  Sometimes, we would sit out till after eight oโ€™clock at night talking about different parts of Mauriceโ€™s life. Maurice is really busy in the summer; he tends to his garden of fruits and vegetables, he delivers furniture for all the Cedros merchants, and he helps his friends.  He never seems tired, he likes to sit on the porch, have a beer, and tell stories. I used to like it when my father told me stories, but they were unlike Maurice’s. There didn’t seem to be anything he

couldnโ€™t talk about. Once he said,  ” You can ask me anything you want.โ€

            โ€œMaurice, how old were you when you were drafted?โ€

            โ€œWell, I was thirty-one years old in 1941 when the war broke out. I had to leave my wife, which bothered me, but I wanted to go overseas and fight for my country. There were so many nice soldiers, the best people in the world.  I recall two boys from Chicago that were only eighteen years old, they lied to get in the service, and they were the best soldiers you ever saw- they werenโ€™t afraid of anything.โ€

            โ€œWhere did they send you after you left San Diego?โ€

            โ€œWell, first, I went to Camp Roberts for thirteen weeks of training, but I got out in nine weeks. Then they sent me to Fort Ord to get my gear, rifles, and clothes.  We left San Francisco on April 21, 1942.  We got into Adelaide, Australia, after twenty-one days at sea.”  Maurice paused like he had to catch his breath. I watched his face, thinking he may want to stop.

            โ€œYou remember so much… Do you mind talking about it?โ€ I asked.

            โ€œNo, I don’t mind; it changed my life, everything about it.โ€

             โ€œWhere did they send you after that?โ€

            โ€œWe trained for a while in Adelaide; the people in Australia were so happy to see us.  I remember they met us at the beach with tea and cookies. The enemy soldiers were getting close.  We went up the coast to New Guinea and into Port Moresby; we got there on Thanksgiving Day 1942. As soon as we got off the ship, the bombs hit us; it was the hundredth raid that night. The next morning we were supposed to get to the Stanley

Mountain range, we were in such a hurry. The Japanese soldiers built cement pillboxes and the army wanted us there. So we got in this plane, and they flew us there. Twenty-one at a time.      When I got to the island of Buna, there were dead soldiers scattered all over the beach.  We lost men so fast.  Then, on Christmas Day of 1942, General McArthur ordered us to advance, regardless of the cost of lives.  My division was one of the first to stop the Japanese army, the 32nd Division. After we were immobilized and a lot of our men killed, they sent in the 41st Division to take over.โ€

             Maurice’s memory was like listening to a documentary, and this was the first time a Veteran confided in me.  They didn’t get supplies at first; they had to wait till everything was shipped to Europe. They got what was left over, which wasn’t much. He ate cocoanut bark for two weeks and had no water.

            โ€œI can remember so well the first Japanese soldier  I saw. He was sneaking through the jungle, only thirty feet off.  I donโ€™t know if I shot him, but he dropped.  I donโ€™t like to think I killed anyone, and it bothers me to this day that I had to kill. The Japanese were good soldiers; they had better ammunition than us.  We fought all day, and we always ran out of ammunition before they did. Iโ€™ll never forget Christmas Day of 1942.  We went into a trench to get ahead; the fellow ahead of me was cut wide open, and the guy behind was shot.  I just lay there on the ground. If you moved you’d be shot. It was so bad; I lay there all day and night. โ€

            โ€œDid you think you were going to die?โ€

            โ€œI didnโ€™t let myself think that.  I promised God that if I ever got out alive I’d never complain about anything in my life again. Nothingโ€ฆ nothing could be worse than that day.” 

            โ€œYou kept the promise, didnโ€™t you?โ€ I asked.

            โ€œYes, I have.โ€

            โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why the war changed your life?โ€ I said.

            โ€œThatโ€™s right. Every day is a beautiful day after you’ve lived through war, at least for me,” he said.        

Excerpt from manuscript.  All rights reserved. No part of this work covered by the copyright herein may be reproduced without the author’s prior written permission.

MY FAVORITE VETERAN


              HOW ONE SOLDIER CHANGED THE COMMUNITY OF SOLANA  BEACH, CA  

            For many of us, the idea of aging is frightening.  We have been led to believe it brings pain, loneliness, and idle time for regressing mentally. Remedies, products, prescriptions, and escapes offer youthful looks, energy, and vitality. The thought of aging is brutal; we pretend we can buy youth. What if you met a man who told you he could do everything today, at eighty-four, that he did all his life without injections, medicine, special diet, or specific training?  

            What if I told you all his family, including his brothers, mother, and father, is gone?  His wife died twenty years ago. That he lives alone and is not lonely. He claims he is the happiest man in the world.  Would you want to meet him?  He wants to meet you. He would like to be everyoneโ€™s neighbor. He has much to teach in a country of strangers about meeting neighbors and making friends. We who know proclaim him an inspiration, a legend, an angel. And to that, he always replies, โ€œIโ€˜m just a regular guy.โ€  

            Maurice Roberts has lived in Solana Beach since 1936, and his recollections of the area are intact. I recorded his history and began writing everything down. Next week, I will start the first in a series of historical perspectives.

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STRANGERS THEN LOVE


From Anais Nin Diaries 1939-1944. 

“I respond to intensity, but I also like reflection to follow action, for then understanding is born, and understanding prepares me for the next act.” 

JANUARY

SNOW, ARTIC BLAST, ICE, FREEZING. Maelstrom of inconveniences toppling down in every nook and cranny of body, home, and outdoors. I wore a long-sleeved liner, wool sweater dress, rabbit poncho, and over that, a wool wrap, laptop mittens, sherpa leggings, wool socks, and boots. Mornings, eight degrees, afternoons eighteen, and the absence of sunlight grids my spirit. Repetitive lessons in endurance, tolerance, and acceptance. The outer world stenches corruption, propaganda, cruelty, violence, and haranguing reporters. The election year dominates the bunkum reporting.  

It’s been almost a month since I texted or called Dodger. Somedays, I enter the memories, a reel of episodes on our cross-country road trips, hiking barren, narrow, unclaimed paths in Baja, mountains and canyons in New Mexico, and lakes and forests in upstate New York. They appear to be aberrations of myself; I am unrecognizable as he is, too.ย 

FEBRUARY

MATURITY has caught up with me, and I am viscerally aware of this pendulum as replacing the nonacceptance of my lifestyle and future to hardened acceptance, which is a relief. I used to be full of follies, gaiety, and impulse; inner choreography is now critical thinking, studied decisions, and a spoonful of distrust. Instead of unleashing all that I think and feel with strangers, the narrative is split between inching closer to listening rather than personal tete e tet. Once a week, I go outing to the social club, where I find conversant strangers, couples, singles, divorces, and a variety of ages, and yet they all have a commonality that I don’t, they seem genuinely satisfied with their lives, one comment this, after asking the bartender how are you, he smiled, slapped the polished wooden bar with both hands and replied, I couldn’t be happier. Then he opened his phone and showed me a photo of a baby boy. His expression soared through my senses, and I adulated with compliments. Another evening, I opened a conversation with a couple next to me, and for the next hour, I learned of their life; children, travel, cruises, especially, ” Oh, you’ve never been on one? You must go, you’re so perfect for a cruise.

” I’m uncomfortable with more than twenty people.”

I don’t believe that for a minute.” Wendy was really fit to her name; she wiggled in her seat, her hands never at rest, and her thoughts poured like raindrops. Her husband, Christian, nodded a lot, and when he tried to speak, she ran right over him. A few times, he rolled his eyes at me. They’d been married thirty-five years, looked to be in their early fifties, and semi-retired.  I left feeling love, had tipped our kinship, a surprising need to leap from trivialities to more substance.

MENTAL WOWS AND BOWS


May 10th 2017FROM MY JOURNAL

        Greta got into bed early and started watching Feud, a new series about Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, played by Jessica Lang and Susan Sarandon. The film etches overcoming a middle-aged woman’s obstacles in life:  men, finances, rejection, and loneliness.

       A knocking at the door, ‘Oh no, I don’t want to see anyone.’

  โ€œPolice, open up.โ€  You couldn’t cut her tension with a semi-truck head-on. She opened the door to five male Policeman and a Medic. 

       โ€œ Greta we are here because someone is very concerned about your welfare. I understand you made a reference to taking your own life.โ€

       โ€œ Who called you? It was Aaron right?โ€

   โ€œYes. He said you made a remark that disturbed him and he wanted us to check on you. Did you say you wanted to take your own life?โ€

  “Not in the way he interpreted. I’m not going to commit suicide I just need a break  from tortuous gaslighting.”

” Who is gaslighting you?”

” My ex-partner of thirty-five years and his demonic girlfriend. 

“How can you resolve this?” 

โ€œI donโ€™t know, Iโ€™m trapped.โ€ Then I noticed they were not convinced.

โ€œI think you should come with us for an evaluation.โ€

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s not necessary, Really, look at me. Iโ€™m enjoying a movie. ” Greta got back on the bed in a gesture of defiance. 

โ€œWe think it is.โ€  We have an ambulance out front.

โ€œWhat? Oh God. No, Iโ€™m not going.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t have a choice. It wonโ€™t take long, if the Physiatrist thinks you are not in danger theyโ€™ll release you.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not going in the ambulance.โ€

โ€œOkay, you can ride with me in the patrol car.โ€

“Well, let me put on some lipstick. A girl can’t go to the Psychiatric Ward without lipstick.”’  They smiled, and in her pajamas and robe, she slid down into the back seat of the Patrol car avoiding neighbors’ observance.  

The ward was a take-off of One Flew Over the Cuckooโ€™s Nest.  One woman was shaking and mumbling herself out of a drug withdrawal,  the nurses were telling jokes, one man was in a hospital gown striding up and down the corridor, talking to himself and Greta seated on a chair watched.  In the distance, she recognized Lally, a potential renter of her home.

 ” Lally, can you come over a minute?” 

โ€œ How are you? Whatโ€™s going on?โ€

โ€œ Oh God, I said the wrong thing to a friend, and he called 911.”

โ€œ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Are you here for evaluation?โ€

โ€œYeah, can you do it?โ€

โ€œ No, I’m assisting in another department. Don’t worry… I’ll talk to the Physiatrist so you get through quickly. Itโ€™ll be fine. Just wait here.โ€

I thanked him and ten minutes later I was led into a private room with bars on the bed. A nurse took my vitals, then a Doctor asked a few questions like,’ What day is it?’ and then she left without adding anything very comforting. Another knock on the open door and a petite female tiptoed in.  She infused sincerity and concern into that bleak sanitary room, and I opened up the story from start to finish. She used expression, voice, and patience to keep me talking. She didn’t inflame the rage against Dodger, she suggested I find counseling and asserted that I was indeed in a very traumatic situation.  ‘ I will call the the department supervisor and suggest you  be released.’ 

 The six hours Greta was in the hospital centered on the absence of a phone call or email from Dodger. Aaron must have told him to get the address.  Itโ€™s about two am and Greta is thinking about her birthday; another sort of mรฉnage of meaning, she feels like ten years have passed rather than one. Another doctor came in and released Greta, with a promise to call for counseling. She slipped into a cab in her pajamas and went home. Never had been so terrified of losing control. 

The next afternoon brightened when Audrey showed up with roses, champagne, a gift basket, and a happy birthday balloon.  She sang the entire birthday song and danced around Greta as she opened the gifts. 

 โ€œIt is a big deal!  I always was taught to celebrate friends’ birthdays with everything,โ€ her smile remained and Greta’s surfaced. She told her the story of the previous night and Audrey just sat there, eyes widened like two camera lenses, and told her. “I know you would never commit suicide.‘โ€‚She cradled Greta as they walked downtown for dinner. One of her gifts was five hundred dollars. Greta was so stunned she tried to return it, but Audrey blatantly resisted.  At our dining table, she waved at guests and waiters with her long arms, โ€œItโ€™s her birthday.โ€ She reminded Greta of her childhood when her father hired magicians and clowns to entertain at her parties. Greta felt sensationally spoiled, and thatโ€™s not always an indulgence, sometimes it is the only path to joy. The end of the evening placed her in front of Facebook where friends posted birthday wishes.  It was a blessed day and a reminder that she is loved.  Aaron was trying to help, and Greta felt his concern with appreciation. There is no replacement to cure your mental doubts than a visit to the Physiatriscat Ward.

Six years later, upright, achieved, and grateful for that day.

LONERS, SOLO, RECLUSIVE, still human.


Thanksgiving seeps into a day of light and dark, like a trajectory of blissful silence transitioning to watching the Macyโ€™s Parade, then dancing around my bedroom to old-school hip-hop. ย Internally feeling more adept than last year, the solitude and absence of friends didnโ€™t snake rattle me, ย it was more like a day of moving effortlessly between desires without contemplation or sorrow. As the year ends, the comparison of achievements and digressions seemed to evoke a visceral epiphany. Iโ€™ve always preferred less chaos and crowds to intimate gatherings, and being alone. Looking in the internal mirror, the reflection released a liberation of abasement, it is who I am, and if refusal of this characteristic triumphs, I will never feel self-affirmation.

Without that, life is an interior war.

I snapped this off a film, I cannot recall which one.

THANKFUL FOR ARMEN


NOVEMBER 23, 2023.

The sky is shy today, she wants rain and snow but she hesitates, as the climate is over thirty. But outdoors isnโ€™t of concern these last sixty days. I never felt more Jewish than now, a reclamation of my upbringing, that I was too rebellious to take seriously, now it is a cancerous disease, antisemitism. I asked my friend who grew up in Istanbul in a surrounding of Jewish Armenians. Why do people hate Jews?.

” They are jealous, most Jewish people are educated, and learn at a young age to develop ambition, to make a better life.”

” That’s it? Jealousy?”

” I think so.”

Armen has been the best believer for me in twenty years. If I didn’t have her confidence, I’d have flattened over the last five years. Everyone needs a friend like that, she presses my buttons, sometimes I say stop, then she says I’m sorry, and we go on.