WINTER’S SERMON ON SOLITUDE


SOLITUDE will always be a puzzle because our lives, solo or mated, are mystified by either too much or not enough solitude.

ย I contest what seems endless solitude with my Irish Russian temper, condemning irritants like: street noise, absence of friends, short-tempered customer service reps, world news, and mindless tasks. The fever dulled after the first ice, rain, and snow, and mindfulness triumphed. I imagined my basement of survival would sink. It did not. There is an inner exploration happening, unfolding like spreading new sheets on my bed, that solitude has befriended me all my life. In the best of times and the tedious. I have to find the frolic and follies in the world that I created. I have to laugh alone so I watch screwball comedies, seek humor of my irregularities; wearing a sweater inside out, pouring coffee into a wine glass for a cocktail, and chuckling up and down the staircase, because I keep forgetting where I left my phone. My head is elsewhere daydreaming.
Iโ€™ve learned how to repair house calamities; unscrew windows, seal up cracks, fix clogged drains, replace air vents, read the meters, and rejuvenate every wood board, handle, chair, and table with Old English Oil. As one pal commented on a visit to the house, ‘ It’s a perfect day for Old English! The winter forecast is blizzardy and full of warnings I havenโ€™t experienced here; and how can I complain when half of Upstate New York is buried in ten feet of snow. The end of the day pleasure comes in the kitchen; my heart and spirit melt while stirring my weekly gumbo, stew, or casserole while listening to Tony Bennett, Nat King Cole, and swing music.
Winter is a funnel that strips the trees and branches and lets us see through the forest and ourselves.

POP-UP POEM


He pushed her on a swing, so high she touched the sky, viewed the world through his eyes, lived for a time without lies, then as mystically as he appeared, he let go of the swing, and she fell on her wing, broken but with the will to begin again. A broken heart hasnโ€™t stopped her from loving him.

For ten days, just thinking of her spoken words, how they made their way to his ears and returned the sounds she so wanted to hear. When he stopped contacting her, she wiped her tears as some people find love at the core of their fears.

DANCE and, MUSIC AGAINST THE NORDIC BLAST OF WINTER


FROM THE JOURNAL 2025

SUN, a goose-bumpy joy and celebration. Thatโ€™s what I love about my education here: the first class you must take is weather management. Iโ€™ve destroyed dozens of artistic bric a brac by leaving them on the farm table on the porch, forgot to shop for groceries when a storm was approaching, and ran out of salt.   I drove through town, taking photos at the red lights; the scenery is like Little Women, dressed differently but still rather swarthy in their determination to survive. Now some men, probably like the fourth or tenth generation, bear the strength by wearing a T-shirt or shorts.  The other day, after a snowstorm, I noticed a man crossing the street in shorts, a long white beard, and working boots.  Thatโ€™s an EXACT badass around here.

ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย  Beguine the Beguine is on the record player, and Iโ€™m swinging around the music room, elated with the energy that forced me to dance, turn off the mind entirely.ย  Total bliss.ย  Dance has been with me since as far back as I can remember, the answer to a mood change, without drugs or alcohol. ย 

MALIBU PARADISE BLUES


In a current of unexpected life moves, I floated towards the Pacific Ocean and landed along the fragile, factious Santa Monica Mountains to Malibu.

The salty seaweed smell of the ocean streams through my car, driving down the Pacific Coast highway on my way to buy groceries. Vintage Market is new to Malibu, and clerks are giddy about their jobs. They may be aspiring actors or former actors.

I walk in and get a phone call that Iโ€™d been waiting for so, I set my cart down on a shelf and took the call. During the half-hour conversation, my eyes were fluttering through the scene: tanned surfers, affluent college students, and diamond-rich men and women of age that donโ€™t check their bank balances. Because of this, expressions are chilled as fine wines, and smiles are sublime or radiating. They are a mostly content population of 13,000. The median home price is $901,000, and the median income household is $127,000. Here in Malibu every thing looks different from Santa Fe: The staging of โ€˜was in the business, am in the business, or want to be in the business,โ€™ surfaces and dominates the scenery.

They are beautiful-the young teenagers who surf and paddle are true blondes, the blue eyes scintillating pools of water, young women are saddled onto 6โ€ platforms, and then there are the stand-out power people, who will not acknowledge anyone, and expect everyone to acknowledge them. Tucked in the mountains, are extraordinary artists who live off the grid the way most people prefer to live in Santa Fe.
I am learning slowly and still hiding out at Chantalโ€™s, where I am living, two miles up from PCH off Malibu Canyon Road, behind a gate. Bohemians, artists, home-office screenwriters, producers, and famous heirs of recognizable movie stars live there.

In the last hour, I walked down the road in the hands of sloping hillsides, horse ranches, and signature homes behind walls as high as the palm trees, built to withstand the typhoons of nature and mankind. In the daylight a swirl of rain and clouds, it was as if I was in Ireland, walking along a road in Kilkenny. I roped in my imagination and returned to the mountains, which will teach me how far to go, how to duck a racing motorcycle car, or confront a coyote or a snake.
A full transcendental moon dipped into the black-out mountain evening, and has cured me of interior turmoil for the time being. This is part of adventures in livingness in what locals call the bu. Chantal’s artistic compound of eight cottages and seventeen acres burned to chips in the Woolsey Fire. One night with Chantal and Neighbors.

Today, as the Bu, Palisades, and five other fires demolish humanity’s lives, I am grateful I was able to return to my childhood memories in Malibu for one summer in 2017. My family home burned in the Bel Air fire in 1961… No WATER. SAVE THEM THIS TIME, LA, AND DON’T LIE TO THEM.

TRIBUTE TO LA POSADA DE SANTA FE, SANTA FE, NM


CHRISTMAS 2013 AT LA POSADA

MAY 2017

It is the Kentucky Derby and Cinco De Mayo weekend at La Posada.  Kristen from the hotel said I should go; it would be fun. Sheโ€™s a feisty young woman with clear, penetrating blue eyes and silky brown hair. Youth dances in her expressions; other times, it wilts from being locked down to an indoor job.  Sheโ€™s an adventurer who camps out in Belize and South America. Now, sheโ€™s talking about Antigua.  

I walked out to the courtyard to see what was going on.  The tables werenโ€™t set up yet, but the Donkey stood idly and annoyed at the other end of the yard. I donโ€™t know why they bring him, maybe for the kids.  In the bar, a few guests were watching the Derby. The elan of race anticipation is shining like a light. I ordered a Mint Julep, and the guys were all watching as Dude whipped it up with finesse.

โ€œ How is it?โ€ Dude asked without needing any approval. 

โ€œ Magical.  Who are you betting on? Greta asked.

โ€œI want a Titty Tut, something nasty.โ€

โ€œ Oh, stop that. You do it too much.โ€ She replied.

โ€œ Not nearly enough! Okay, hereโ€™s my horseโ€”Promises Fulfilled. Oh yes, thatโ€™s mine.โ€

โ€œ Everything you say is a metaphor for sex.โ€

โ€œ You bet it is.โ€ Whoโ€™s your pick?โ€

โ€œ My prick is Justify.โ€

โ€œHah, see, now you get it.โ€

I sipped my drink and wandered around the lobby, stopping to greet Jackie, Monserrat, and Danielle.  They donโ€™t know what their smiles and caring comments do for me. I must tell them more often. 

โ€œ I donโ€™t know what Iโ€™d do without all of you.โ€ To be continued.

JUST LIFE


Adventures in livingness aren’t just about extroversion, what we say, how we behave, or how we respond. More importantly, they are about our inner changes when life demands that from us. No one hears what threads are spoken in our heads, the ones that are flawed from indecisiveness, the ones that have been molded from things long past, the new threads that are unfamiliar, and the ones we need to rip out entirely.ย 

WHICH WAY TO TURN…IF


Sunday thinking: future, plan, prepare, implement. What if I go West, East, North, or South? One at a time. I use it a lot; itโ€™s my mascot, mental disability. If I got over it, I would delete it from wherever it rose.  

It reminds me of Rudyard Kipling’s If Poem. I am fearless one day and fearful the next, a collage of paradoxical thoughts. Emotions are my yellow brick road and also the vouchers of the victim. Iโ€™ve never been an A student of defensive tools; my acquiescence serves my need to be approved, which is so annoying.

I am not going back to childhood experiences; that cathartic tunnel has been examined, and approval and cherishing is the pillow of my contentment.

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ARTISTS UNRECOGNIZED


I feel artists and their works are not featured in the media, or maybe itโ€™s because my scrolling is stuck on the essentials of living. In times of war, people must have known, see it now or never. According to Google, over two and a half million working artists live in the country. When was the last time you discussed it at dinner with anyone? I havenโ€™t, and I donโ€™t know why. Pop-up thoughts on life.

This one is in my home, by Philip Townsend.

I love this one, but I’ve forgotten the painter.

WHY I ASK? AND THEN THE ANSWER.


Why can the leaves turn lemon, plum, and tangerine? Why does the sky allow storms to shake up its translucent surface? Why can nature reinvent momentarily with wind, rain, hurricanes, and earthquakes? Why can’t I change the colors of my mood? I get daily messages from an Instagram member named Asadโ€”inspiring, and he circulates around the themes of mood, attitude, loneliness, and inner strength. All of these have toppled my life since I can remember. I’m more taciturn than most people perceive. I can display a mannequin of poise and joy, but if you remove the surface, beneath is a conundrum of self-doubt, second-guessing, punishment, and fear. What’s even more destabilizing is I actually think I’m alone.

Last week, I observed the cashier’s facial expression and gestures at the Stop-& Go, which alerted me to her distress. I was buying a Cadbury chocolate bar after reading that chocolate is mood-changing, not just the hip-hop of energy; it can change your mood.

” I read that chocolate helps with depression, and these dreary dark days don’t help,” I admitted.

” Oh, I know. I used to be a registered nurse,” she said, facing me squarely into my eyes. I noticed a lot of cashiers don’t do that anymore.

” I suffer with anxiety and depression so I had to quit. I can mix up a Cadbury bar with a Snickers but not with medication.”

” I have the same as you, it’s changed my life as well. ” I looked at her name tag, without my glasses.

” You’re name is America? She laughed and her smile emerged.

“No, underneath, Dolores.”

” Thank you for listening to me,” I said

” Thank you, customers rarely acknowledge us.”

We don’t want pity or empathy; we all need recognition, and not in a text!

HELL HELENE


The embryo of thought. Sometimes, it is negligible,ย  as is life.ย  I am the puzzle maker. Every time I try to carve the right size square, I fall off the board and have more material to write about!ย  The puzzle is so vast that it covers our lifetime and the pieces are the choices and non-choices that fit into themes.ย  We are all a puzzle.

My life is like a melody, a Gershwin tune. As a dancer and prancer at heart, I feel and think with movement of mind. Today, on a translucent composite of sunshine and clouds, my heart is on the people surviving Hurricane Helene. Climate, warnings, rescue efforts, and the stories of human sacrifice to save lives will analyze this puzzle of devastation. All of those risking their own lives to save strangers are my heroes. One hero saves one life. Just imagine.

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE. HELENE


I’m angry. We can go to the moon, build cities, and predict weather, but why are we waiting now to rescue North Carolina, Florida, etc.?

The hurricane was reported days ago. I looked up the exact date but couldn’t find it. All federal resources should have been there before Helene took lives, animals, homes, streets, businesses, and infrastructure.

HELENE: LOSING A HOME.


It’s impossible to feel personal tribulations when I see Helene’s destruction. The shock is unimaginable unless your home has been removed by earth, wind, or fire.

When our family home burned, my mother drove me up a day later to see what remained. I was eight years old. I felt lost. My stomach was empty, and my breath held. Nothing but ashes; it changes your perspective on what to hold on to.

Burt Lancaster lived above us; a spark dropped from his home onto our house. Ours was the only house that burned on Thurston Circle. We direct our life, and then it returns a different ending. Lucky to have had those years in Bel Air, a paradise of charismatic neighbors, children up and down the street, parties, and safety.

The 1961 Bel Air Fire was a disastrous brush fire that began on November 6, 1961, in the Bel Air community of Los Angeles. It destroyed 484 homes and burned over 6,000 acres, fueled by strong Santa Ana winds. At least 200 firefighters were injured during the fire1