ON THE HOTEL ROAD OF TRAVEL THOUGHTS


The course we choose to study doesnโ€™t begin in school; it begins the moment we recognize that life is our teacher.  I chose the course of love between a man and a woman.  Yet all Iโ€™ve learned from Anais NinJoan Didion, and Lawrence Durrell about love isnโ€™t guiding me.  I have to start over and develop wisdom from my own experiences.

I checked into the third hotel, the previous one was tedious and murky. This morning in a larger room, on a crisp as iceberg lettuce, a day of clarity and stillness surrounds me. Outside my hotel room, the light is intermittent, a peak a boo stage window, the light illuminates portions of the crispy autumn leaves just before they drop. On my side of the glass, there are shadows and dissonance.ย  ย What events take place this week will be instrumental in my future and as piercing as the southwest sun when it shone in my eyes. ย ย 

This hotel’s staff is exceptionally friendly, conversant, and engaged in their jobs. Every time I pass by the guest check-in, Rose stops what sheโ€™s doing.

โ€œ Howโ€™s it going?โ€

โ€œToo early to tell.โ€ Iโ€™ve been here a week, and I unzipped my lawsuit story, so she is in the know. She is knowledgeable about the law, and living through times that are more threatening than usual.  

โ€œ Okay. What are you doing today?โ€™

โ€œ Researching moving companies. Critical thinking and planning. When I moved from Santa Fe to Los Angeles, I hired a broker, thinking it was the actual company. When the van arrived, half of my things were broken, boxes were opened, and some were stolen. So this time, no mistakes.  

โ€œ Mistakes are all about learning.โ€

โ€œ Yes, and I learned!โ€

โ€œ What did you do last night?โ€ She said with a curious smile.

โ€œ I was at the bar, Lizzie was there rousing all of us up with puzzles, a brouhaha like the old days, you know, not one of us looked at our phones.โ€

โ€œ Please, donโ€™t even start. So annoying when youโ€™re talking to someone and they are staring down at their phones.โ€

โ€œ When I was living in LA, at huge four-way intersections in the middle of traffic, pedestrians crossed without even looking up. It was the same everywhere, restaurants, shops, it struck me as a way of looking very significant.โ€

โ€œ Youโ€™re so right!โ€

โ€œ That reminds me, I need to go write a column.โ€

โ€œ Write about your lawsuit.โ€

โ€œ No! Iโ€™m in witness protection writing.โ€

โ€œ They may read it right?โ€

โ€œ You New Yorkers are always on the right key.โ€

โ€œ Gotta be, itโ€™s New York.โ€

” I’m California”.

” That’s okay, I still love you, and your day is coming, and so is a new man.”

ON THE HOTEL ROAD OF TRAVEL


               THE GYPSY CHRONICLES โ€“ Thursday, October 23, 2025

โ€œ You have to be out today by 11 am. โ€ย  I gasped and looked at the time, 10 am.

โ€œ Scooter told me he extended it until Sunday the 26th.โ€

โ€œ He didnโ€™t call us. He has to call us. We need the room for the monster ball. Get a hold of him.  

I was shaken. I had one hour to reach Scooter. I called in a panic from the lobby and left a message. Then upstairs, I desperately looked for a hotel to take me in, in case Scooter didnโ€™t call.  They were booked tonight, but could take me tomorrow. The hotel was a two-star, no Mortons, no restaurant, no gardens, but it looked clean and was only a mile away.  

At 11:00, Scooter texted, โ€œI called, you have until Saturday. Is that okay?โ€

โ€œ Yes, fantastic, thank you!โ€ Scooter has an arrangement with the hotel that earns him points, and he has gifted me many of them!

I returned to the other conundrum of the day โ€”my lawsuit โ€”with very unexpected news. Tammy, the Top Drawer Housekeeping Manager, stopped me in the hallway.

โ€œ Whatโ€™s wrong, Loulou. She leaned against the cart and listened attentively.    

I updated her on the event, and she tilted her head to one side.

โ€œ Bastard! Take a break today, let the process begin, and tomorrow youโ€™ll regain your strength.โ€

โ€œ Itโ€™ll take a few tomorrows, Iโ€™m emotionally fragile.โ€

โ€œ I know you are, Iโ€™m the same!โ€

She patted me on the shoulder, and just that little gesture, of care, was a band-aid to the wound.  

Walking into the next hotel was a pinch of pathos I was not prepared for until the front-desk gent helped me with my five suitcases.

โ€œ Youโ€™re from Santa Fe? He said, eyeing my license plate.

โ€œ Was, for eleven years.โ€

โ€œ I moved recently from Ranchos de Taos.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re kidding! Thatโ€™s where I lived for several years. I had a gallery there!โ€

โ€œ Thatโ€™s crazy. Iโ€™ve never met anyone here who knows Ranchos or even New Mexico.โ€ I laughed, cause a lot of people think it’s in Mexico.

He opened my door, and I feigned disappointment and thanked him.

ย Okay, here it is, a bland room without the flair or fancy, but the price is right. I opened the suitcases and did not unpack. The sun was out like a neon sign, beckoning me to go outdoors.

No elevator, on the first floor, I passed the laundry roomโ€”a lot of conversation and a sort of cheerful vibe.  I walked outside, sat in a chair facing the sun, let my arms droop, and closed my eyes.  I heard someone walking and then sitting next to me.

โ€œ Hello, did you just check in?โ€

โ€œ Yes, the sun is marvelous, isnโ€™t it?โ€

โ€œYou bet it is. Iโ€™m Loulou.โ€

โ€œ What! My name is Loulou, a nickname.โ€

She moved around, crossed her legs, lit a cigarette, and her long white hair was halfway clipped, and the rest fell on her shoulders. I could see she was once beautiful.

โ€œ Isnโ€™t that something else. How long are you here for?โ€

โ€œ Not sure yet.โ€

โ€œ Iโ€™ve been there. Not knowing.

โ€œ People donโ€™t understand, they feel Iโ€™m unstable or something. I can feel it, and see it in their eyes.โ€

โ€œ Screw that, just ignore those people. I do.โ€

โ€œ  Youโ€™re right, too much to handle without that.โ€

โ€œ  Everything is upside down, and no accountability. โ€œ

โ€œ So trueโ€, and then she dropped her head, and I could see her emotions rise as if she had been led somewhere else.

โ€œ My grandson was killed in a motorcycle accident, hit, and then died right there. I didnโ€™t get to say goodbye. It was by an illegal immigrant.โ€ Then she cried uncontrollably, and I just about got up and hugged her.

โ€œ Oh, sweetie,  I am so very sorry for you.โ€  This was all genuine, and she was sober and all of that, so I listened.

โ€œ I wrote to all of them, Bondi, Patel, Trump, Noem, nothing.โ€  Something like this doesnโ€™t happen in a five-star hotel, only in a two-star. We sat there awhile, and I tried to console her or offer some options, like a news alert to the stations and local media.

She was on the cliff of catastrophe, and my minutiae of disappointment disappeared.

TO BE CONTINUED.

TRUTH & TALK


                                                      

Writing feels rusty today. I plow deliberately through the blank mental soil to find a blade of substance in a week of tragedy and cultural chaos. In conversations with men and women about our fractured culture.

 ” It was never like this when I was growing up,” that is from a fifty-year-old,

” I won’t get on a plane, no way?” from a forty-year-old.

” I don’t talk about my views with anyone at work or out of work, except my family and friends.” 

I replied, “Yes, we have to talk niceties, bland boring conversation. “

When I was growing up, there was more joking, laughter, and confessional conversation. I was thinking about my high school years; we talked a lot about emotions, our parents, our dreams, and our fears. I don’t recall restraining what was on my mind. Perhaps that is why the majority of the younger generation prefers social media friends, as they can be easily deleted or blocked.  On my FB page and feed, not one follower or friend reveals their political views, including myself. Isn’t that so contrary to humanity? And political violence, I keep hearing we won’t tolerate that on the news, but we are tolerating it. Do we all need drones over our homes for security? An optimist would say, We can do better, and we will; a pessimist might say, I think it’s going to get worse, and a nihilist would say, Life isn’t worth fixing; it’s just worthless.  

I canceled my utubetv cable account, because on most days anxiety is at full tank without the news. ย In this new state of freedom from home; maintenance, repairs, showings and tenants, time is on another clock.The one that ticks as a writer in progress who is dusting off the least truest of thoughts. ย ย ย ย 

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FREESTYLING SINGLE


         THE GYPSY CHRONICLES – Day 10.

Scintillating in luxury and comfort is therapeutic if mastered with moderation. So, my second week here in the hotel, I opened the thruway to discerning tasks: a deep dive into publishing my book, rewriting the ending so art isnโ€™t imitating life, but the other way around, searching for part-time employment, a seriously pragmatic approach to where to move, and writing my pop-up columns. 

It is tremendously easy to write from this hotel room, without those damn barking dogs next to my home, the constant vibration and noise of mowers, blowers,  and city works.

On my desk is Henry Millerโ€™s book, On Writing, and every page moves the mental nerves in some way.  โ€œThe writer lives between the upper and lower worlds: he takes the path in order eventually to become the path itself.โ€  From living in isolation in my home, my tenants are cordial but reserved; I am now swept like a surfboard into a wave of public swells.  It is their stories that come out of this experience.

I begin with the Casino, attached to the hotel lobby, and open at 11 am. Arrivals begin: gamblers shuffle inside, some in wheelchairs, younger men with speedy strides, couples, single women, a plethora of humanity in common, with one mission: to win. I take a seat at the bar, and eye wonder at the slot machines. I havenโ€™t counted them, but the room for walking is limited.  There is one machine with the motif of a bull, and when someone sits, the bull grumbles loudly, so I pull out my earplugs.  I watched one man win, and after he left, other players who heard the winning clang took his seat. It is a popular machine.

The casino looks to be around eight thousand square feet, with seventeen hundred gambling options.  The path to get back to the hotel, I have to navigate around and around. The first time, of course, I went in circles as my sense of direction is like a butterfly’s. 

โ€œ Excuse me, can you tell me the most direct way back to the hotel?โ€

โ€œ Lost are you? Follow this carpet pattern, the one in the middle, and it will take you back.โ€

Off I trot, staring at the paisley pattern, through six different arenas to the hotel. I went outside and took a seat on the bench.  A woman passed by and stopped, โ€œ How are you?โ€™

โ€œAdapting, Iโ€™ve not been here but a few days.โ€

โ€œ Oh, weโ€™re just checking out. I canโ€™t wait to get home to my Pomeranians. I have two. I rescued them, and they are my babies,” she continued, talking about the dogs. As she spoke, I noticed how immensely liberated she was in conversation, and how her hair matched her outfit. She smiled while talking.

โ€œ Iโ€™ve seen you before. I noticed your style; you were wearing such a pretty outfit”, she said earnestly.

โ€œ Well, thank you, and so are you.โ€

โ€œ Are you alone? I think you are, but donโ€™t let that get you down.โ€

โ€œ I wasnโ€™t ready for a very long time. I’m crossing over that mountain, only Iโ€™m not like you. I canโ€™t approach people the way you just did.โ€

โ€œ I used to be like that! Now I donโ€™t care, and you shouldnโ€™t either. God loves you, we are all his children, and we need to love each other.โ€

I let her go on and thought any minute she might bring out a bible or a cross and start praying for me.

โ€œ I bet my husband is looking for me; heโ€™ll be mad, not really, heโ€™s used to it. Weโ€™ve been together forty-five years.

โ€œ Remarkable. Whatโ€™s your secret?โ€  

โ€œ Love, respect, and compromise, itโ€™s really very simple. You’ll meet your honey, I feel it, you want that, donโ€™t you?โ€

โ€œYes, when a man tells me everything is going to be okay, I settle down. Iโ€™m emotionally overweight.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re funny, see that is another quality that gets you through life.โ€

โ€œ I see a man approaching, and she introduces her husband. He is tall, and emulates a calmness and contentment as he hedges into the conversation about going to Lake Placid.โ€ย 

โ€œ Have you been there?โ€ he asked.

โ€œ Years ago. Itโ€™s beautiful.โ€

โ€œ  I turned towards his wife. I didnโ€™t get your name.โ€

โ€œ Donetica, Italian, my friends call me Dee.โ€

โ€œI’m Loulou, and thank you for stopping by my bench.โ€

She giggled, blew a kiss, and said in parting, โ€œ I love you.โ€

 As she left, a woman exited the hotel in a state of exhilaration.

โ€œ It looks like you had a good day,โ€ I said

โ€œ Yes!ย  I won eight hundred dollars. She swung her purse and skipped off. ย 

Hmm, I wouldnโ€™t mind winning at all, but Iโ€™m in enough ambiguity to play against those odds.  To be continued.

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    FROM ORDINARY TO EXTRAORDINARY


    With every turn, right, left, or center, I observe novelty, unfamiliar faces, facades, and finery.ย  The conversations that linger over the opulent surround sound lobby release a fusion of shouting and laughter.ย  New Yorkers are not whisperers, and my annoying sensitivity to sound, forces me to go in and outside a dozen times a day. That is when I meet the guests, perched on benches and rocking chairs. In the six days Iโ€™ve been, here Iโ€™ve accumulated dozens of conversations, not just niceties but life stories expressed in thirty-minutes.

    The first day of arrival began with a dining hallabaloo organized by the best broker, Scott Varley, who sold my home. ย ย At the table, Scott and his friends, who ย knew the bartender’s, waitress, restaurant manager, and a few guests at the bar, so our table became a Musso Frank sort of mise en scene. I, as usual, was punctuated with awe, as this is a new kind of adventure in livingness after Ballston Spa. Drinks arrived with the speed of a remote, and as we all filed in for the liberated moment, when we exhumed our true selves.ย  Lynn, the woman next to me, was a beautiful, statuesque, stylish woman whose poised and confident aura emanated from her.

    โ€œ I hear Scott sold your home. Is that a good thing for you? Itโ€™s not always.โ€

    โ€œ Yes, a few days ago. ย Well, a paradox, I loved the home, a Victorian, but it was also most of my income.

    โ€œ What will you do now?โ€

    โ€œ About what?โ€ย She laughed and tilted her head back.

    โ€œ Where are you moving?โ€

    โ€œ I donโ€™t know yet.โ€ Her eyes widened, and she responded flatly.

    โ€œ You donโ€™t know? You have to have some idea.โ€

    โ€œ It depends on the proceeds, an ex is involved, itโ€™s too complicated over a martini, and all this talk. I can barely hear you. โ€œ

    โ€œ An ex is always involved. How long are you staying at the hotel?โ€

    โ€œ Youโ€™ll love this..

    โ€œ Donโ€™t tell me, you donโ€™t know. Youโ€™re adorable.โ€

    โ€œ Thank you, and I sense you are very strong.โ€

    โ€œ You bet I am.! She punctuated that with a fist to the table. โ€œ

    The night zigzagged, with Lynn and Scott scurrying into the casino, while I remained, as casinos mean, the genes of my father may flare up. The bar was baritone loud and after what seemed four hours, I returned to my room, quite comfort, marvelous pillows unlike Iโ€™ve ever felt, ย โ€œ I canโ€™t fucking believe this.โ€ ย ย To be continued

    THUNDER THOUGHTS ON WRITING,READERS,AMTRAK,AND RELOCATION


    ADVENTURES IN LIVINGNESS began with lightning and thunder. My bed braced against the window didnโ€™t alarm me like when I first moved here, and the storms startled me with their voluminous sound. After five years, the fears of weather, creaking noises, bats, mice, or a running deer as I drive have sifted through the thread of experience.   As the first attempt to accept relocation coming, I am unwinding with you, not at you, because youโ€™re all closer to me than you think.

    I begin late on Friday, watching a half-lit scene with descending sunlight, the other bathed in asphalt gray,  the solid remains of this weekโ€™s punishing climate. Who cares about that after the news this week? I imagine every parent was stung in a way they may never have felt before. Everyone loves children, even those who didnโ€™t have them, cherish their innocence and liberating emotions. I asked a friend, how it affected him, he replied, โ€œ I didnโ€™t know I canโ€™t watch the news.โ€  

    โ€œ You never watch the news?โ€

    โ€œ Some stuff on social media.โ€

    โ€œ The Mystic Camp tragedy didnโ€™t come up?.โ€

    โ€œ No.. what happened?โ€. So I gave him some of the details, and when his expression turned dour, I stopped. Something another friend mentioned to me was Duty to Bare Witness, as we were talking about the Ukraine War.  Some call it tragedy trolling, I suppose thatโ€™s another kind of news watching.  Between the bubble wrap and boxing of what I think Iโ€™ll take, I listen to some news. I realize Iโ€™m not such an immoral person after listening to cantankerous battles on the hill.  

    This city is drowsily awaiting the start of the Saratoga Race Track today. ย It is a sacrosanct epic convergence of rich and poor, doused in jewels or leather neck chokers. I love loyalty, and this event dates back to the 1880โ€™s. Itโ€™s the oldest race track in the country. When I had a press pass, and didnโ€™t wait in lines to attend, interview, and observe the festivities, it just canโ€™t be forgotten. I’m familiar with the groups that oppose horse racing, viewing it as a degenerate sport that harms both horses and gamblers. ย I understand that, considering my father was a gambler and horse lover, but it goes on for thousands who feel different. Can we not allow one to enjoy the other not?.

    OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

    Sifting through collectibles, I found my letter to Amtrak. Many ย years ago, ย I wrote to the executives at Amtrak with this idea: Give a writer a free ride for a long journey, and allow them to write about it. Then, engage reporters at the different stops to show up and give the writer a pass to visit the city or town and meet the nuances that no one knew about. I felt pressed to seek escape, โ€˜Iโ€™m going to live on Amtrak!โ€™ The idea blossomed over some cabernet, and I lingered there in the kitchen, while I cooked up this idea, of riding Amtrak across America, while writing about subjects I choose from a long list, and develop it into a documentary, and a book. ย ย ย I realized how much effort it would take to launch and live this idea that was born in the kitchen over a bottle of cab. I spent the day researching and looking at the bedroom suites on Amtrak. I went to sleep imagining myself on the train, and the inherent comedy that would roll out, from living in a room the size of shoe box. I watched movies about trains, and started reading Paul Theroux’s The Old Patagonian Express. Del Mar, watching the Amtrak.

    There I am on Amtrak, with a laptop and a recorder,  strolling through the aisles, interviewing people, and then Iโ€™m in some unfamiliar city, hopping from one place to another, and writing in cafes and adventuring. The illusion became real, like a dream that represents reality. I do see myself on such an adventure.   I must sculpt new routines, learn how to do the things Iโ€™m not used to doing.  I wrote to Amtrak, and I did not get a response. Several years later, they invited a writer to do what I had suggested. As the day descends into afternoon, I am perched in between, clinging to the wisdom of my posse, whom I call on for solace, for answers, for encouragement, and you readers, who keep me adventuring in writing.

    Bookviral


    Our review……

    A candid and enthralling memoir, CRADLE OF CRIME – A Daughter’s Tribute is the debut release from Luellen Smiley and it proves one of the most gripping and powerful books in its genre. Certainly no mean feat, given the swelling number of similarly themed offerings but Smiley does well to distinguish hers with painstaking research, a broad narrative sweep and intellectual grip to deliver a fascinating and revealing read, for the events it covers.

    The storytelling isn’t redemptive with much of the most compelling material in this book being intensely personal but it is a very human story that dispels hype and myth and gives us a telling glimpse of a remarkable life. Weaving together several stories it makes a vivid and notable contribution to the mafia debate which invariably swings between the codes of honor and family values so often portrayed on the silver screen to a brutal criminal organization focused only on the accumulation of wealth. In contrast, Luellen finds a far more equitable balance in her reflections, and it makes for a genuine page-turner.

    Extremely well written, fans of this ever popular genre will find CRADLE OF CRIME – A Daughter’s Tribute a fascinating read and it is recommended without reservation.

    http://www.bookviral.com/cradle-of-crime-a…/4594052167

    A BookViral review of CRADLE OF CRIME-A Daughter’s Tribute by Luellen Smiley

    EGO WORK OUT AT EQUINOX. 2018


        I walked into Century City Club Equinox, almost inserting myself into the spotless transparent glass door. Three young women at the counter, beaming youth in front of black walls that seem to suck me in. 

    โ€œIโ€™m here for the tour.โ€   A suited man in a large, rather luxurious office greets me with so much reserve and robotic gestures that I feel like running out.   I was led through a scintillating voluminous space, enveloped in floor-to-ceiling glass, streamed with sunlight and views of Westwood.   The members,  women attired in matching voluptuous outfits and personal trainers, lean as lions tossing funny equipment to the client, fastidious housekeepers, sterilizing and vacuuming in trendy uniforms. It was as if  I were watching a film production. 

    The treadmill cycle area was a bit crowded, and not one person didnโ€™t have a headset on, staring at the screen of choice.  The bathrooms were hotel accessorized, and even pumps were filled with Kiehl products. There was a steam room, make-up area, showers, all the necessities, and a few women were blowing their hair, all beautiful. 

    More rooms, a snack bar, shopping, pulsating music, and a closer look at the guests.

    โ€œ This is as upscale as you can get; youโ€™ll love it, and you’ll meet important people, Iโ€™m sure.โ€

    I listened to his closing argument and watched the bodies bend like pretzels as personal trainers raised and stretched their heads, arms, and legs.  Bodies bounced, climbed ropes, did flips, and hung upside down, like a circus act. After the close, a condescending smirk, that I read as, join, or go hang out with the losers at 24-hour fitness. 

     He handed me the contract, and I read it over.  The cost was more than Iโ€™ve ever spent. The way I looked at it was a place to work out and meet new people, although my instinct was that these were not my people.  I signed and walked out feeling dizzy again.  I stopped in a shoe store to look at what women were wearing.   The salesgirl kept complimenting me, and showing me shoes that she loved, and before I knew it, she sold me what I didnโ€™t come in to buy, high-top lace-up pink workout sneakers.  Leaving the Century City Satellite, beyond the construction and traffic, I raced home to recuperate. Whatโ€™s happened to me after living in a village in New Mexico, is that too much stimulation is now exasperating.

    I walked to Equinox for my first workout, hopped on the treadmill with weights, and tried to look perfectly comfortable, but I wasnโ€™t.ย  The vibe and everything about this ballroom of a gym seemed rehearsed. Maybe Iโ€™m too observant, trying too hard to fit in. I noticed so much in that hour. The workout is also a sort of performance, just a shade of competition between men and their weights, women straddling rubber balls, yoga mats, bench presses, and only a handful look like they need it. Men and women occupy the treadmill room; without expressions, they seem to live inside themselves.
    There is no conversation; it feels more like a convent. There is no hi, hey, or smile. I asked a trainer, โ€œItโ€™s not very social here. Why is that?โ€
    โ€œ These are the highest paid executives, lawyers, agents, actors, and they donโ€™t come in to socialize–they are only here to do the work-out.โ€
    Great move, Greta. Iโ€™m paying three hundred a month to be invisible.

    TRIBUTE TO LA POSADA DE SANTA FE, SANTA FE, NM


    CHRISTMAS 2013 AT LA POSADA

    MAY 2017

    It is the Kentucky Derby and Cinco De Mayo weekend at La Posada.  Kristen from the hotel said I should go; it would be fun. Sheโ€™s a feisty young woman with clear, penetrating blue eyes and silky brown hair. Youth dances in her expressions; other times, it wilts from being locked down to an indoor job.  Sheโ€™s an adventurer who camps out in Belize and South America. Now, sheโ€™s talking about Antigua.  

    I walked out to the courtyard to see what was going on.  The tables werenโ€™t set up yet, but the Donkey stood idly and annoyed at the other end of the yard. I donโ€™t know why they bring him, maybe for the kids.  In the bar, a few guests were watching the Derby. The elan of race anticipation is shining like a light. I ordered a Mint Julep, and the guys were all watching as Dude whipped it up with finesse.

    โ€œ How is it?โ€ Dude asked without needing any approval. 

    โ€œ Magical.  Who are you betting on? Greta asked.

    โ€œI want a Titty Tut, something nasty.โ€

    โ€œ Oh, stop that. You do it too much.โ€ She replied.

    โ€œ Not nearly enough! Okay, hereโ€™s my horseโ€”Promises Fulfilled. Oh yes, thatโ€™s mine.โ€

    โ€œ Everything you say is a metaphor for sex.โ€

    โ€œ You bet it is.โ€ Whoโ€™s your pick?โ€

    โ€œ My prick is Justify.โ€

    โ€œHah, see, now you get it.โ€

    I sipped my drink and wandered around the lobby, stopping to greet Jackie, Monserrat, and Danielle.  They donโ€™t know what their smiles and caring comments do for me. I must tell them more often. 

    โ€œ I donโ€™t know what Iโ€™d do without all of you.โ€ To be continued.

    WHY I ASK? AND THEN THE ANSWER.


    Why can the leaves turn lemon, plum, and tangerine? Why does the sky allow storms to shake up its translucent surface? Why can nature reinvent momentarily with wind, rain, hurricanes, and earthquakes? Why can’t I change the colors of my mood? I get daily messages from an Instagram member named Asadโ€”inspiring, and he circulates around the themes of mood, attitude, loneliness, and inner strength. All of these have toppled my life since I can remember. I’m more taciturn than most people perceive. I can display a mannequin of poise and joy, but if you remove the surface, beneath is a conundrum of self-doubt, second-guessing, punishment, and fear. What’s even more destabilizing is I actually think I’m alone.

    Last week, I observed the cashier’s facial expression and gestures at the Stop-& Go, which alerted me to her distress. I was buying a Cadbury chocolate bar after reading that chocolate is mood-changing, not just the hip-hop of energy; it can change your mood.

    ” I read that chocolate helps with depression, and these dreary dark days don’t help,” I admitted.

    ” Oh, I know. I used to be a registered nurse,” she said, facing me squarely into my eyes. I noticed a lot of cashiers don’t do that anymore.

    ” I suffer with anxiety and depression so I had to quit. I can mix up a Cadbury bar with a Snickers but not with medication.”

    ” I have the same as you, it’s changed my life as well. ” I looked at her name tag, without my glasses.

    ” You’re name is America? She laughed and her smile emerged.

    “No, underneath, Dolores.”

    ” Thank you for listening to me,” I said

    ” Thank you, customers rarely acknowledge us.”

    We don’t want pity or empathy; we all need recognition, and not in a text!

    Thoughtful Reflections and Autumn Leaves: An Upstate New York Story


    The leaves, I noticed when I drove out of the driveway a wispy wind and a few leaves blew past my windshield. I don’t think they want to die or hibernate; I don’t want to hibernate; that’s what you do if you are in upstate New York. Even this summer, the porches are empty, and the owners only come out to garden or empty trash. I’m the only one who sits on the wrap-around porch, head perched up to the sky to see what drama she’ll bring.

    Where did we go this summer? Where did you go or do? One friend went to Croatia, another to Finland, and another to Sonoma. I prefer to travel in September, with my crowd cowardice and fear of flying; I’m waiting. Of course, I cannot leave because I am showing the house to prospective buyers. They are all very similar, rave and applause for the house, and their offer is two lines above insulting. Or maybe I am still in my delusional dream that Follies House is worth what I priced her. It is a voyage into the Twilight Zone; I see one house, and they see another.

    Back to the leaves, the fall’s language, movements, and tasks will turn inside out. Soon, the blowers and street cleaners move all those beautifully colored leaves. I leave mine out until my gardener orders me, sweetly, LouLou, it’s time for fall clean up, or you won’t have grass next summer.” I won’t be here next summer, but I don’t say that because we’ve become pals, and he likes to manicure my lawns; I always greet him and George, his helper, and listen to their grievances.

    Beyond the seasonal altercation, like a dress that needs hemming, emotions stop boiling over and seem to simmer. I am still determining where that originates, but I experience it every year as September approaches. Autumn is about awe. I read that somewhere. We slip into the interior chambers of thoughtful reflection, crunching the leaves of our souls for answers to questions.

    I called my pal Jerry because it had been a few weeks since I had spoken to him. We have been friends for many years, but we have absolutely nothing in common. He’s famous for his photographs and films, that’s all I can say. I didn’t ask for his approval as I write this.

    ” Hello,” He sounded drowsy.

    ” Jerry! Did I wake you?”

    ” Yes.”

    “I’m sorry. I’ll call tomorrow.”

    What for I’m awake now. I take naps because I can’t sleep through the night; I close my eyes, think for maybe an hour, fall asleep, and wake again five times in the night. What’s happening with you?”

    ” You are cerebral, so turning off your head would take a bulldozer or something.

    “That’s a little drastic.”What’s happening with the house?”

    ” Showings, repairs, and a few offers that were insulting. I have a question.”

    “Oh no.”

    “What do you do when you don’t know what to do>”

    “I call my attorney.”

    ” For life questions?”

    ” I don’t have any more questions at ninety-six.”

    ” That sounds peaceful.”

    , We sidetracked an upcoming appointment with his doctor about sleep medication.” It’s tomorrow, I don’t feel like going,

    ” So don’t go. I had an appointment this week for a mammogram. That morning, I woke up trembling, panicked, wobbly, and so I called and canceled. When I told the representative I was having a severe panic attack, she laughed and said, I hear that all the time.

    “What’s the mammogram, is that for breast cancer?

    ” Yes.”

    ” What do they do?

    Oh, it’s weird. The nurse takes hold of your breasts, places them between two clamps, and then tells you not to breathe or move while they take an X-ray.

    “What if your breasts are too small?”

    “Ah hah, mine used to be, so they’d tug at them, and it was more painful than the clamps. When I turned seventy-one this year, suddenly they inflated, and I can fill my B cup to the rim.” He was laughing, imagining he had some visual, and that was good. We have better dreams when we sleep with pillow joy.

    “I’m going to go to sleep now>”

    ” I hope you do. I’ll think of more breast stories tomorrow.

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    FRIENDS of FOLLIES


    Saturday, a heavy clog of humidity tries to zap my energy. I slept six hours, so I fight, do laundry, do a bit of weight lifting, go up and down the twenty stairs twelve times, and wander in my mind. I answer the first phone call of the day.

    ” Hi, how are you? ?” I pause to answer with some amusing honesty.

    ” I’m cleaning my brain?

    ” How do you do that? You’re funny.”

    ” “I sweep away all the repetitive scary thoughts.”

    What about you? My friend sighed and then zigzagged into her struggles, taking care of her ninety-six-year-old mother, who does not speak English; my friend is Armenian. She works full-time as a court translator, has two children, a husband, and about fifty friends she continually connects to.

    You are four people in one. I don’t know how you do it?” Is your Mom still living with you?”

    Yes, she can’t walk. She sleeps in the living room because the bedrooms are upstairs. It’s difficult. I have to feed her as she’s now refusing to eat.”

    ” Please try and get a nurse’s aide to come in and help you.”

    “She won’t let anyone touch her but me.”

    “I find that selfish, not to be critical, but you will wear yourself down.”

    ” She’s always been like that; in my culture, you never abandon a parent, no matter what. Her mind is sharp, so that is good.

    ” Heaven isn’t good enough for you,” she chuckled. I often improvise to be amusing because her laughter is boisterous, and we all need more injections of humor.

    ” Have you decided where to move when it sells?” She asked again.

    ” Yes, I was looking at my book on Italy, all the different regions, and I think Anacapri is a good choice.”

    ” Oh, Greta… that is so expensive; what are you thinking?”

    “I’m not thinking I’m daydreaming.”

    ” I have an idea for you. There is a new trend, something like Boomermates, a group of people who share a house, and you don’t have to sign a lease. Go look in San Diego and find something.

    “Roommates, strangers, you mean?”

    “Yes, why not?”

    ” Would you do that?”

    ” Probably not. A studio anywhere in San Diego is two thousand at least, and don’t use the proceeds from the house.

    “Now you’re daydreaming. I’ll have to use some without the rental income until I find employment. Are you home now?”

    “No, I’m driving to San Diego for a court appointment

    “It’s what, six in the morning?

    “Yes, I wake up at five.”

    ” Every time I come here, I think of you. You were a great leasing agent. You leased about fifty of my units. You can get a job leasing in a nice project. Oh, you should have bought that unit. I remember G4 when we converted to condominiums.

    “Yes, you’ve told me that a hundred times.”

    ” I made the same mistake. What can you do?”

    ” Complain and then accept what you can’t accept. Like selling my home.” I went through my steamer trunk and found my marketing portfolio when I opened Follies as an artist retreat. It was nonstop theatrics. One time, I hosted a theater group of six young actors; they were so much fun. Ah, memories.

    ” You will make it; look what you accomplished, winning a foreclosure, Greta; that is something big.”

    ” So is my glass of wine.”

    “I’d be doing the same in your situation.”

    ” Another showing, a really nice family. They’ll make an offer. They commented that the exterior paint is their issue, so did I tell you already? I found a marvelous painter from Albania, and he’s given me a very reasonable price to paint the entrance, balisters, and overhang. You know that curb appeal is critical.”

    ” You shouldn’t spend your money, Greta, how much?”

    ” Three thousand, and it’s a lot of scraping and ladder work. It’s the right decision if I may disagree with my real estate guru.”

    ” That is reasonable. Keep me posted. I’m in San Diego now, so I will speak to you soon.”

    ” Heaven isn’t good enough for you.” And I’m leaving Follies in the best I can because she was so good to me.